Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mike Florio: Unable to comprehend the thoughts of a guy who scored 15 on the Wonderlic

Everyone pile on Jay Cutler! Quick! Tell the world what a huge pussy he is, because that shows that 1) you are not a pussy; you are super tough and would never do what he did; and 2) you are smart and know a lot about FOOTBALL players and how they should act on the FOOTBALL field. Or, you can just read this, which is an excellent explanation of why most of the people knocking Cutler are a bunch of chuckleheaded thundertwats. Anyways, I'm not a Bears fan (admittedly I am a Cutler fan since I'm a Broncos fan and never wanted to see him get traded- fuck you in the face, McDaniels), but the last 3 days have been pretty surreal.

Are there really this many former players who themselves succumbed to non-crippling injuries that feel the need to call Cutler out? Maurice Jones-Drew: you are a fucking pair of clown shoes right now. You have zero credibility. You have negative credibility. YOU MISSED YOUR TEAM'S LAST TWO GAMES, WHEN A PLAYOFF SPOT WAS ON THE LINE, BECAUSE YOU HAD A KNEE INJURY JUST LIKE CUTLER'S. SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE.

And are there really this many sportswriters who know everything about how Cutler's leg felt during the game and need to share their conjecture and fucktarded analysis with the world? OH MY GOSH HE STOOD UP WHILE HE WAS ON THE SIDELINES. HE DIDN'T LOOK HURT. HE USED A SET OF STAIRS AFTER THE GAME. Therefore: he must have been capable of playing quarterback, right? He was just too much of a bitch to come back into the biggest game of his life after spending a college career and most of the last two seasons getting destroyed every game because of a terrible offensive line! Reasonable conclusion? ABSOLUTELY! Holy Christ, sportswriters are the worst group of people on earth. Seriously. They're worse than serial killers. Enter Mike Florio, a man incapable of following the logic of one Chris Harris.

Now, Chris Harris might be a smart dude. His quotes below show that he takes pride in his education. But there's no way his thoughts exist on a level that is so much higher than Florio's that Florio could have an excuse for not being able to understand them. (According to the internets, Florio is a lawyer.) So maybe someone out there can explain to me how this happened:

Harris then seemed to provide the explanation that justifies the conclusion by some, inaccurate as it may have been, that Cutler wasn’t really injured.

“Jay’s not perceived in the media as a good guy. He doesn’t give you the quotes that you want. He doesn’t show you the emotion that you want to see,” Harris said.

Yyyyyyyyup. If he had the exact same injury in the exact same kind of game, Favre would have been on the sidelines grimacing and contorting his face. And the story after the game would have been "Dagnabbit if that boy didn't want to be out there having fun and throwing the pigskin around, but you could tell from his face that it just wasn't in him. Too bad! What a competitor he is." And then after the game Favre would have awww shucks-ed his was through a few interviews talking about how sad he was to have let his team down, sent pictures of his cock to a few team employees, and called it a night. And his legacy would be intact, if not stronger. Because sportswriters and football fans are fucking morons who are to so pathetically susceptible to groupthink and soap opera non-analysis (no seriously, go click that first link and read the SBNation piece on that subect) that it boggles the imagination.

“But we know what type of guy he is, he fought with us all season long. So he doesn’t give the media what they want and so perception is real. And that’s one thing I learned in sociology class in college. Perception is real. If people perceive you one way, that’s what they think it is. They might not have a effing clue as to how you really are, but perception is real.”

Right. So if your IQ is above 55, you know what Harris is saying here. In a nutshell: people believe what they perceive because their brains tell them that what they perceive has to be real, even when there's no good evidence that it actually is real. It's often a very long ways from real. And Harris is pissed off because that phenomenon is causing everyone to think Cutler is soft when that's not the case.

Thus, while “perception is real,” perception in this case, according to Harris, is simply wrong.

The grade for your analytical thinking skills just came in, Mike. You got an F minus.

Holy Toledo. That is so dumb I'm going to paste it again.

Thus, while “perception is real,” perception in this case, according to Harris, is simply wrong.

Thus, while “perception is real,” perception in this case, according to Harris, is simply wrong.

F minus.

Given that he seems to understand why some people have an incorrect perception about Cutler, Harris arguably shouldn’t be pissed about it.

Possibly even worse than the preceding sentence. Saying that someone should be able to not be upset about something upsetting because they understand why it's happening might be an even bigger indictment of Florio's intellect than his inability to understand what Harris meant by "perception is real." Given that they understand how much China doesn't want to grant them independence, Tibetans arguably shouldn't be all upset that they don't have their own country. Given that they understand how badly the economy has been doing, investors arguably shouldn't be upset when corporate insiders steal their cash.

The best part is his inclusion of "arguably," which is one of the best cop out words of all time. The sun arguably rotates the earth. Santa Claus arguably exists. Mike Florio is arguably a more important historical figure than George Washington.

The best part about this Cutler bullshit? We get to hear about it for the next 6 months, maybe 7 or 8 if it has enough life to still be talked about during the beginning of the regular season. Fuck it. At this point I'm actually hoping for a lockout. It might (maybe, I hope, although probably not) mean I don't have to hear anything come out of Trent Dilfer or Mark Schlereth's mouths for a whole 18 months. Man that'd be awesome.

Ugh. This whole situation makes me want to barf.


Chris W said...

Nicely argued, Larry. I hope one day your dreams will come true and you will be able to use these arguing skills to one day study law.

Jack M said...

This is a really great article on the absurd reaction to the Cutler injury:


As the article states, the media reaction has been nothing short of a hit job on a figure that they were dying for an excuse to pile on.

Anonymous said...

Excellent work, and excellent use of the word "thundertwat." I plan on using that one sometime today.

Elliot said...

Tebow would have faith-healed himself.

Tonus said...

Jones-Drew is insisting that he was simply being "ironical".