Tuesday, September 14, 2010

You Know What's Funny? Hair.

Fanhouse, Jay Mariotti's (presumably) erstwhile employer, has a lot of shitty writers. Shouldn't be surprising considering they hired Mariotti, but I think this article really helps drive home the point.

Take Adrian Peterson All Day, Every Day Over Chris Johnson

That's some nice nickname shoehornin'.

When it comes to the debate over who is the NFL's best runner, Adrian Peterson cannot carry Chris Johnson's hair products.

Chris Johnson has a lot of hair. Alright. Solid joke. Also, article's title and premise + its first sentence = ????

There is no doubt Tennessee's entry has the more fashionable hair.

Right, the hair thing again.

Those luxurious dreadlocks made him the first back in NFL history to gain 2,000 yards rushing while carrying 2,000 yards of hair last year.

That's a lot of hair! More hair jokes. Actually, that may not be a joke- there are something like 100,000 hairs on a human head, so yeah, multiply by length in feet, divide by 3, etc.

They also helped turn Johnson into the trendy pick as the greatest football toter on earth. At least one expert couldn't agree more.

"I'm the best back in the league," Johnson said. "He is not. I don't thinks it's close."

No hair jokes in here, just a typo.

He, of course, is Peterson, who started the latest round of debate last week when he proclaimed Johnson is not "faster, stronger, anything" than him.

Now it's up to Clay Travis and I to settle this argument. My venerable picking opponent is going with the trendy pick, probably because he wishes he had dreadlocks like Johnson.

Four hair jokes/references- this one a total BURRRRRRRRN on a fellow writer.

I'm comfortable with my boringly traditional 'do. Though I must admit there's more to like about Johnson that his hair.

Six.

He went to East Carolina, and it's always good to see a Pirate prove that NFL superstars can be found beyond the big-conference constellations. Johnson might not have even been drafted if Titans owner Bud "Comb-over" Adams

Oh for the love of God.

did not have such a keen eye for outstanding hair.

Sweet jumproping Jesus.

Johnson has quickly established himself as one of the NFL's best backs. He's just not better than Peterson.

I would definitively prove it through statistics, but you know how stats are more misleading than political attack ads. In this case they say Johnson gained about 700 more yards than Peterson last season.

I'm too busy picking on the hair bullshit to bother with the substance of this article (to the extent that any exists), but FWIW, Peterson's YPC 2009/career: 4.4/4.9. Johnson: 5.6/5.3. And then you can talk about offensive lines and yadda yadda.

What they don't say is how Johnson benefited from having Vince Young at quarterback. The Titans never knew if Young would be Superman or Lois Lane, so they had to make Johnson the offensive focal point.

Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Brett Favre rolled in and sucked half the life out of Peterson's rampaging career. That run-pass balance made the Vikings a better team, but it sure didn't enhance Peterson's fantasy value.

Johnson only averaged about three touches per game more than Peterson in 2009. BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS HAIR???

Any fantasy geek can tell you that you should always pick a runner from a Jeff Fisher-coached team. They have produced 12 1,000-yard runners since 1996, which was before the Oilers even moved to Nashville.

Any fantasy geek can tell you to always pick a Broncos running back, except when they suck, and then you shouldn't.

The Titans could dig up Johnny Cash and he'd gain 1,000 yards in their offense.

Too soon!

That doesn't mean Johnson is merely a product of the system. He is merely its latest and greatest beneficiary.

A distinction without a difference, but whatever. Let's talk hair.

But imagine if Peterson and Johnson switched teams. Their stats would probably flip, then this debate would come down to a tale of the tape:

Size --

Insert hacky joke about Johnson being smaller than Peterson.

Speed --

Insert claim that Peterson is one of the 15 fastest guys in the NFL, which is probably not true.

Intangibles -- Peterson spends his free time studying game film and baking cookies for orphans. Johnson spends his free time at the hair salon.

Haaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr

I'd be more analytical, but I'm afraid any sober analysis might not favor my guy. Despite having more moves, power and running instinct than Johnson, the public is currently wowed by the vision of his dreadlocks blurring through a secondary.

HAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRR

I just wish Fisher were Minnesota's coach instead of Brad Childress, who does not have a comb-over

HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR

but does have a thing for Favre.

Who doesn't? Besides 98% of all sports fans I talk to.

In the season-opening loss to at New Orleans, the Vikings' coach all but forgot No. 28 existed in the second half.

" 'Hey, give it to me,' " Peterson told him. " 'Feed me.' I don't know if he really heard me. But there's a lot to learn from this game."

Like if the Vikings would rely on Peterson the way Tennessee relies on Johnson, he'd settle this argument once and for all.

Johnson or Peterson?

The Titan loses by a hair.

Heh heh heh. By a "hair."

But at least it's stylish hair

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN HEAVEN STOP TALKING ABOUT HAIR

3 comments:

Biggus Rickus said...

This pretty much sums up everything wrong with most sportswriting:
"I'd be more analytical, but I'm afraid any sober analysis might not favor my guy."

That is why Eckstein's heart or Jeter's intangibles take center stage over what they actually do on baseball fields. Admittedly, using hair to distract from statistics is a new one.

Elliot said...

So if Peterson had 8 more carries in the game, he would have rushed for 60 more yards and two TDs? WHY IS BRAD CHILDRESS SO STUPID!!!??

Besides, why use the actual stats when you can make spurious claims about AP having more... everything... than Chris Johnson. This article has "I picked AP over CJ in my fantasy league and now I'm extremely bitter about it" written all over it.

Adam said...

This article is Plasckesque in it's logic.

- Adrian Peterson is better than Chris Johnson

- Adrian Peterson can't carry Chris Johnson's [jockstrap].

- Johnson is a trendy pick for best RB in football and I agree.

- However I will take Adrian Peterson over Chris Johnson.

Also, when he uses facts he is twisting them more than I thought possible. He said Jeff Fisher's teams have created 12 1,000yd rushers. Funny because 7 of those "rushers" are named Eddie George.

1,000+yd Seasons under Jeff Fisher

Eddie George - 7
Chris Johnson - 2
Chris Brown - 1
Travis Henry - 1
LenDale White - 1