Monday, September 20, 2010

Cognitive Dissonance: Bill Simmons Edition

From Simmons' recent revamping fantasy football column:

You're not gonna believe this, but when you play fantasy football, occasionally you might lose by three points. Keep it to yourself unless it's a one-of-a-kind defeat, like DeSean Jackson spiking a Monday night touchdown on the 1-yard line and costing every owner six points (and then they lose by five or less, which of course, happened to me, which is the only reason I remember that story). Or Westbrook turtling on the 1-yard line and costing someone a million-dollar Rich Guy league. (Yes, I know someone who lost a million dollars because of that play.)...Subjecting people to fantasy tales is like showing them Facebook photos. Yeah, they might be nodding, but they don't care. They don't.

Bill's most recent tweet:

This is me nodding.


Biggus Rickus said...

Has anyone done a full list of the incidences of Simmons ignoring his own rules? Because I assume that every one of his rules about life or sports or whatever has been thrown by the wayside whenever he feels like it. Or to put it more simply, what a fucking douchebag.

Anonymous said...


Go back to his "no one is watching the Red Sox because the games are too long" article. He pretty much shits over each and every one of his rules there.

God that article was awful.

Elliot said...

Bill must have been (or must not have been, I can never remember which one it is) wearing a parka during fantasy this week.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, or you could not follow him on Twitter. What a novel concept.

Anonymous said...

Haha, now he is going to talk about it on his podcast. Hypocrite.

Jack M said...

Or he could follow the same rules that he gave down to us plebes. That too would be novel.

Larry B said...


-clueless fucktard commenter

rich said...

If Simmons can write thousand word articles on how much he hates watching the Red Sox (the games are too long!) when he can fucking watch other shit, FJM can write short blog entries making fun of him.

Here's another novel idea,if you don't like the writting at FJM, don't read it.

Anonymous said...

As an aside, "Kool Kats" is a god awful fantasy name. Even if that name is somehow ironic in some context, it's still horrible.

First Name Last Initial said...


-clueless fucktard commenter

Hey Larry B (tits name btw), the only thing stupider then comments like those is when authors (or best butt buddies of authors in your case) feel the need to point them out and call the commentator a fucktard.

Face it, this format you've chosen (stolen actually) is going to generate those kind of comments.

So to recap: Folks are going to rightly suggest you ignore "writers you hate," and also rightly point out that you stole this shtick and are shittier at it than the people you stole it from. Responding to these comments make you look like a bigger douche than Mitch Albom.

Dude you should totally take down Mitch Albom. Except that it's been done and by people a lot funnier. omg lol

Jack M said...

1. You seem to be a fan of Fire Joe Morgan, and yet you also seem to suggest that if we don't like a writer, we should just ignore them (and by extension not have a site). Isn't that a bit hypocritical on your part?

2. Believe it or not, but Ken Tremendous et all did not invent line by line literary criticism. By the same logic, The Onion is a rip-off of National Lampoon. Furthermore, our shtick is entirely different. While Fire Joe Morgan does the whole Fremulon Insurance bit, which is always hilarious, we have our own more shitty shtick which is noticeably different.

3. We'll never know how well the Fire Joe Morgan guys would've responded to similar comments because they never allowed people to comment publicly on their site.

4. Sorry you don't find our site funny. Obviously you have a very refined pallet for comedy, as evidenced by referring to us as "best butt buddies."

First Name Last Initial said...

I just keep trying to get ignored by you guys. It's not working. You really need to let me know what is up. Yup, you keep showing me.

/why do they care what I think?
/bet they will tell me...

Jack M said...

First Name Last Initial tried to post a follow up comment, but it didn't publish for some reason. Here's what he wrote:

By the way, I am a fan of Fire Joe Morgan. But only because they had an original idea. I know, I know you have some example of them stealing something, whatever, fuck off. They made it popular, and were good at it. You did neither. Oh and did I mention you suck at this. You also fight with commenters, which makes you crap and only proves my point: If most of your commenters think you suck...

Finally if I read your line by line bullshit takedown of someone and I am critical of it, and you have a shit fit...I mean really? Do I have to point out the irony? Do I FUCKTARD?

It's funny that you resort to the same sort of anecdotal bullshit that the Fire Joe Morgan guys hate so much. Essentially you're saying "Look, I'm one of the hundreds of commenters you guys have had, and I, along with maybe 5% of the other commenters, are negative. Ergo, all your commenters think you suck." I have no idea how my responding to your attacks proves that we suck, but I'll say that if responding to negative comments means your site sucks, then so to do KSK, Deadspin, The Big Lead, etc.

Furthermore, you didn't comment on one of our line by line take-downs with some sort of critical response. You made a generically negative comment on a post that wasn't even a line by line take down. I don't think my response has been "shit fit" like at all, and in fact, has been very well reasoned and at least nominally cordial. In addition, even if I had thrown a shit fit, it wouldn't count as irony because the writers we criticize don't throw shit fits over it because, as you said, nobody gives a shit about us.

Conversely, the only thing you've added to the dialog is that you think we suck and stole an idea from a source that isn't actually the original source. You've yet to point out how any of our analysis is wrong or stupid. Until you do so, we'll just agree that you're a fucktard who enjoys commenting on a site he hates.

Larry B said...

Guys, it's time to admit it- we're not as good at writing funny stuff as guys who write funny stuff for a living.

First Name Last Initial said...

You're right. I am a fucktard. You own me. I am sorry. I would like to pay your blogging expenses for the next month. Whom shall I make out the check to?

First Name Last Initial said...

But I never told you who I think you stole it from, so how do you know "from a source that isn't actually blah blah blah."

I KNOW where you got it from dude.#

I think you analysis is spot on. I agree with the vast majority of it.

I don't hate your site. Your site hates me.

# so who did you really steal it from? want to use this info against you later.

Chris W said...

Ah, what an age we have been born into