The Official Spring 2009 Bill Simmons/Boston Schadenfreude Post

Live (actually last Thursday) from Bill's garage: It's a night of pain, suffering, and horrendous analysis that we can all look back upon fondly next time Bill writes a 7,000 word column about the Celtics/Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins(?) and their legendary fans. You know, the Beantown faithful who are capable of carrying their teams to victory under any circumstances. Well except game 7s at home- they're pretty much useless in those. The "marathon chat" from which I pulled all of these was, as advertised, pretty fucking long. So I really had to work to narrow things down and pick out the really truly inane things Bill said for the purposes of this post. Sit back and enjoy, everyone.

Keep in mind, when Bill was saying all this stuff the Celtics were busy choking down the stretch in game 6, not game 7. Their game 7 loss was nearly 72 hours away from happening. Oh, and fucktarded opinions frequently espoused by Bill/his chatters regarding Boston, its teams, and its players will be in ALL CAPS. A thick Boston accent will be (poorly) phonetically spelled out, in the spirit of Kissing Suzy Kolber's TAWMY FROM QUINZEE.

Bill Simmons: Dwight Howard... the worst great player ever? Discuss.

What does that even mean, you ask? Well, Howard pretty much made Boston's (admittedly depleted) frontcourt his collective bitch for the duration of the series. As a Celtics fan, Bill's response to this is to attack Howard and claim that he's nothing special. Cool. It's pretty a pretty standard defense mechanism used by 15 year old girls against each other. In games 6 and 7, Howard averaged 17.5, 19, and 4 blocks. For the playoffs he's averaging 19.6, 16.6, and 2.8. If that makes you the "worst great player ever," I think Orlando fans will live with it.

Ben (Denver, CO): Hey Bill, whose job is it on the Celtics bench to alert Kevin Garnett when the camera is on him so that he knows when to look intense?

Bill Simmons: Are you kidding? It's amazing KG hasn't charged the court yet! They have to hose him down after games.

OW-UHHHHH INJAHED PLAYAHS AHHHHHH MORE INTENSE THAN YOUR-UHHHH INJAHED PLAYAHS!

Bill Simmons: Rondo should have made 3rd team All NBA... how did Shaq get on it? Put up an 18-8, team missed the playoffs, they couldn't give him away at the deadline, he got a coach fired. That's 3rd team All-NBA? And why were Gasol and Duncan considered forwards?

WE GOT RAHHHHHBBED! THE LEAGUE IS AGAINST US, THEY DON'T WANT TO RECOGNIZE THE POWAHHH AND HISTORY THAT IS CELTICS NATION! No, but really, the reason is because there were six guards better than him in the league this year. The two guards on the third team were Tony Parker and Chauncey Billups. Parker at 22/7/3/1 steal and Billups at 18/6.5/3/1 both probably had better seasons than Rondo with his 12/8/5/2. Any arguments about Shaq are moot. Each All NBA team is made up of one center, two fowards, and two guards. We can't just change the rules because the 7th best guard in the league one season played for the Celtics.

Matt (Colorado): Dwight Howard is becoming the most overrated player in the league, and everyone is starting to realize it. What can he do on offense beside dunk? Then he calls out his coach, when it's the team's fault for the choke job, he has a lot of work to do to become a premier center in this league in my mind.

Bill Simmons: My issue is that he's not getting better, and also, he gets worse at the end of games. He's like Ben Wallace with a jump hook.

No one will confuse Howard's offensive skillset with a young Tim Duncan's. He can certainly do more than just dunk though. The coach call-out seemed to work pretty well though. As for him "not getting better-" it can be difficult to get better when you're already averaging 21/14/3. But his points, rebounds, assists, steals and blocks per 36 minutes all improved from 2007-08 to 2008-09. So yeah. Maybe he needs a few more low post moves, but he's only 23. He still has time. Also, the assertion of Matt (who is probably a Boston bandwagon douchenozzle who has never been within three states of Massachusetts) that Howard "has a lot of work to do to bececome an elite center in this league" is probably stupider than the stupidest thing Simmons has never said. Go play on some train tracks, Matt.


Bill Simmons: By the way, I boned up for this chat by doing some real-time writing on Twitter this week. Here's the link: https://twitter.com/sportsguy33. Don't think I won't rehash a couple of those jokes tonight. Do NOT put it past me.

Bill Simmons: My flip-flop on Twitter tranks among my greatest flip-flops ever - you'd have to go back to me liking the Joe Forte pick in 2001 and then turning on it for a comparable 180.

We've got an even better flip-flop coming up later in this very chat. I'm getting all tingly just waiting to write about it. Oh, speak of the devil-

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

Excuse me. Can you go over that one more time?

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

One... one more time, please.

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow wow. Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. Wow wow. Let's look at the pieces here.

The owner pushed me away.

(Said in a Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen-like tone): So the owner... pushed you away... did he? Interesting. Are you saying it has nothing to do with the fact that the Bruins missed the playoffs in 2005-06 and 2006-07?

Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore.

That's interesting, because that very same salary cap existed as of 2005. You'd think that would have drawn you back in then, no? As we'll see below, that process didn't begin until more than two and half years later. I mean, if you were a real fan who really cared about the team but only stopped because the owner nickeled and dimed you one too many times, you would have immediately started caring again once the salary cap kicked in and fixed that problem. Right? I mean, if you didn't want to sound like a fucking fairweather shithead hypocrite fucknugget, that's what you would probably do. In my opinion.

I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years.

On April 21, 2008, about thirteen months ago, you said this:

"I am an NHL widower. I have made that clear many times. I cared about the Bruins for years and years, and up until last week, I had stopped caring about them completely."

Very interesting. You wrote that article in the middle of the first Bruins playoff series in four years. And we're supposed to believe that your revived fandom has nothing to do with winning, and everything to do with the owner. The pattern is pretty telling: 2005-06, no playoffs, no interest from Bill. 2006-07, no playoffs, no interest from Bill. 2007-08 regular season, Bruins teeter on the brink of a playoff berth and only clinch one at the last second, no interest from Bill. April 2008, Bruins are back in the playoffs... interest from Bill. It's a pretty nifty fucking coincidence if you ask me. (For a more complete breakdown of Bill's blatant fairweather fandom, read Jack M's take on it here.) Oh, and via that post, from Bill's own rules of being a fan:

"...you can't start rooting for a team, back off when they're in a down cycle, then renew the relationship once the team starts winning again. All those Cowboys fans who jumped off the bandwagon in the late-'80s, jumped back on during the Emmitt/Aikman Era, then jumped back off in the late-'90s ... you know who you are. You shouldn't even be allowed out in public."

But apparently if you lie and just say you actually stopped rooting for them because the owner hurt your feelings, it's OK. Awesome. Bill Simmons, you are a fucking hypocrite. You're an insult to other, less transparent hypocrites. You fucking make me sick. The fact that you are ESPN.com's biggest draw is the saddest media-related story of the past ten years. Sadder than the dozens of major newspaper closures from the past couple years. It's a fucking travesty, plain and simple. You. Are. An. Asshole. Of the greatest possible magnitude. DIE.

But paradoxically, I have to say that this is perhaps my favorite chat answer of all time. Just look at the indignancy- it drips off the page. HOW-UH DAHHHHHRE YOU. I'M A DIEHAHHHHD BRUINS FAN. I JUST STOPPED BEING ONE FOR A FEW YEA-AHHHS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Dan (Cambridge, MA): Ok, Bill, serious question here. I was at the Bruins game for Game 5, and it was awesome. Insanely loud. When the sucker punch happened, the place erupted. I'm sitting in the upper section along one of the blue lines, two rows from the top, and this guy in the row in front of me chucks his water bottle in disgust. The bottle landed in CENTER ICE. From three rows from the top of the upper deck. It started the mass garbage throwing from everyone else, which was also awesome, but my question is, is that even possible, or was it a glitch in the Matrix or something?

WE AHHHHH THE CLASSIEST FANS EVAHHHH. WHEN WE THROW SHIT ON THE FIELD AND STOP A GAME, IT'S DIFFAHRENT THAN WHEN OTHAHHH CITIES DO.

Bill Simmons: Scal for three!!!! I think the concussion headband gave him super powers.

SCAHHHHHL! MY FACKIN' FAVAHRITE PLAYAHHHH! (BECAUSE HE'S WHITE.)

Bill Simmons: Is it a bad sign that our 2009 Defensive Player of the Year can't keep Kendrick Perkins from getting an easy 5 foot jumphook?

No award winning defensive player has ever given up an easy basket before. Ever. Dwight Howard- really just a shorter version of Shawn Bradley.

Adam (New Rochelle, NY): Bill, have you ever seen a team chemistry that has soured so dramatically so fast as we've seen from the Magic in the last 2 games of their series with Boston?

Bill Simmons: It really started with the Anthony Johnson/Van Gundy incident in Game 3... even though they won that was pretty goofy even for the NBA.

It really worked out pretty well in the end, too.

Bill Simmons: Look at Van Gundy's outfit tonight! My god! I can't get enough of it. He looks like he's on the sixth day of a cheap cruise and tonight is "Expensive Dinner" night.

Bill Simmons: Shard just killed Scal: Tirico called it "no contest." I think SVG is Boston's MVP in this series. It should be over already.

Casey (Dallas, TX): The shortest coffee table book would be "Games SVG could keep a lead."

Bill Simmons: You guys are more on fire than House and Scal.

I love it. I love it I love it I love it.

Paul (Berlin, Germany): What happened to Ray Allen in this series?! It is sad to see him play with so tired legs, when he was the most important player in the bulls series... May be he could ask mikki moore, if he could borrow his legs, since he doesn`t need them any time soon...

Bill Simmons: The Celts need rest. They're at the 200-game mark since Nov. 2007 and this is their 39th playoff game in 2 springs. They've played every other day for like a month. They need 2-3 days off.

They had two days off before games 1, 3, and 4 of the Chicago series and game 7 of the Orlando series. They went 1-3 in those games. Also, except for maybe baseball pitchers, I'm not buying for a second that last season has a bearing on this season at all in terms of wear and tear. The Celtics had a long 2008 playoffs. They also had almost 5 months to recover from them. They're professional athletes who do nothing else with their lives- I'm pretty sure they entered 2008-09 just as rested as anyone else in the league, or if less rested, negligably so. They also clinched a playoff spot back in March and had plenty of time down the stretch to rest up their key guys from a playoff run.

Danish (Toronto ON): "They need 2-3 days off?" You mean like the Cavs have right now? Lebron is going to crush your squad.

Bill Simmons: Look... we know. We just want to get there. And then, hopefully, LeBron will sprain an ankle or blow out a hammy. By the way, the goal is to defend the title.

Lord knows Bill has only ripped into the 1986 Lakers about 25,000 times for "intentionally" losing in the Western Conference Finals because they wanted to avoid the juggernaut Celtics, and thus doing a horrible job of defending their 1985 title. I can't wait to hear him defend the 2009 Celtics. Sure, KG was hurt. They also didn't even make the conference finals, losing to a team with the "worst great player ever" at the helm and an allegedly pathetic coach. Funny, you'd think Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Co. would be able to get past a team as shitty as the Magic. I fucking despise the Lakers, but I almost hope they win it all now just to get Bill to either A) shut the fuck up about this topic or B) dig himself an even deeper hole while trying to defend his undefendable position.

Bill Simmons: Danny Crawford just swing this game with the pushoff foul on Perk's followup. Seven point swing. Now it's tied. By the way, name a big guy who doesn't push off with their left arm when they dunk. The list is zero.

THE REFS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AGAINST US! IT'S FACT! THE LEAGUE DOESN'T WANT US TO WIN!

Allen (Boston): With Baby on the bench, who's gonna shove that pudgy 12 year old over when we win?

Bill Simmons: Is the kid there? I forgot to look. I wish Big Baby had shoved him harder - little kids should not be sitting courtside at NBA games. That's bad parenting. period.

That kid was, as Allen says, like 12. Twelve year olds are more than capable of sitting courtside at a basketball game. (As opposed to, say, five year olds.) Bill is being an idiot again.

lancter (Boston): odds of KG coming back for the cavs-celts series?

Bill Simmons: Will Carroll said it on the BS Report today: Four to one.

For the Cavs-who series? Oops!

Bill Simmons: Canes scored. 1-1. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. My Lord, Shard can go by Baby every time. How dumb is SVG????

Just dumb enough to get out-dumbed by Doc Rivers, evidently.

Bill Simmons: Good point. I demand a Cristal Taylor reality show. Wow, nobody picks up dumber fouls than Dwight Howard.

He sucks! And you can watch him continue to suck tonight on ESPN in game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

Bill Simmons: Dick Bavetta just got the memo from DS: "I want you to foul out Perkins and do it right now."

I TOLD YOU! WE NEVAH GET ANY CALLS! WE AHHHH GETTING FUCKED, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!

Joe (Bristol): Um, you're not including Hanks' world class turn as Charlie Wilson? That was a HOF performance for so many reasons.

Bill Simmons: Great point. That was a potentially great movie that Julia Roberts murdered like SVG murdered Orlando's 2009 season.

Keep those Van Gundy jokes coming!

Bill Simmons: I gotta hand it to Howard tonight: He is playing like he gives a crap. 9 offensive boards so far. The question remains: Why didn't he do this every game? It's the playoffs!

No Celtic ever had a bad game this playoffs- they always played super awesome. Ray Allen's 5 point, 4 turnover effort in game 6? Hey man, I watched that game. He obviously was still playing like he gave a crap. What Howard was doing earlier in the series was totally different.

Bill Simmons: FYI: if the announcers are praising you for being "super aggressive" in a playoff game, odds are you were mailing it in.

Hopefully he doesn't mail in any games against the Cavs- the Magic are sure going to need him if they want to advance to the Finals.

Bill Simmons: My buddy Sully reports that that John Cena was sitting courtside wearing a Celts jersey and now he's wearing a Magic jersey - Orlando must have made him change it because they gave him the tix. Stay classy, Orlando.

No other organization has ever done this, ever. Only the Magic. Whenever I watch [Team X] games on TV, they constantly show celebrities in the crowd wearing other teams' apparell. (Notable unsarcastic exception- LeBron wearing a Yankees hat at an Indians/Yankees playoff game in 2007. Obviously the Indians didn't give him those tickets. Man, if you're from Cleveland, that's gotta hurt.)

Bill Simmons: SVG Wired: "LISTEN! LISTEN WE GOTTA MAKE PLAYS! LISTEN!!!!" He might never work again.

Well, he's probably working right now. Less than 24 hours to go until his team tips off against top seeded Cleveland in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Evilgrin72 (Orlando, FL): I'm going to beat the rush and start putting For Sale signs in SVG's yard right now. BRB.

LOL!

Bill Simmons: Game time. What a collapse. Thought we had it. The good news: Celts have 2 days off before Game 7. They need it.

I blame Dwight Howard for Boston's game 6 loss- he played so crappily that the Celtics let their guard down. And Stan Van Gundy's shitty coaching permeated the arena and caused the Celtics to play worse. Only possible explanation.

Nate (Des Moines, IA): Celtics are going to play their 5th game 7 in 13 months on Sunday, your theory that they're drained is warranted.

Worst measuring stick for how drained a team is. Ever. What? Five separate games in a year-plus? How have they not died of dehydration yet?

mike (brighton): All of SG nation wants to know if youre coming out for game 7? And you going to be celebrating with us at Sullys? (knock on wood)

Bill Simmons: Of course I'm coming back.

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Oh, I hope he got up and left before the final horn in an effort to beat traffic. That's the sign of a true fan, after all, which we can be sure he is after he demonstrated his undying devotion to the Bruins.

Nate (Des Moines, IA): Again, Manny Ramirez didn't have an RBI in the ENTIRE 2004 ALCS Series against the Yanks. All you New York fans who want to say the World Series MVP is tainted: we didn't need him to smoke you after being down 0-3!!!!!

YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! Ramirez also had a .400 OBP that series, which I'm sure did nothing to help Boston's chances. And don't worry about his 1.009 OPS, 43 HRs, and 130 RBIs during the 2004 regular season. Nope- just cherry pick one tiny little insignificant stat from a seven game span, and use it to prove that the YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Robert (Huntsville, Al): Do you feel any shame for saying you won't root for the B's until the owner is gone, and here you are rooting for them? I feel for you, I'm a Redskins fan. Every year I disown them because of Snyder but always end up rooting for them... Just wondering...

Bill Simmons: The salary cap has made him irrelevant though. There's no way for him to be a soul-less miser. I hope we win the Cup, and then, as he's hoisting it over his head, he knocks himself unconscious with it.

The salary cap made him irrelevant in 2005. But I guess Bill is such a diehard fan that he wanted to be really sure that the owner wouldn't find some clever way to circumvent it- that's why he didn't start cheering for them until April 2008.

Rug (Yellowknife, NT, Canada): Seriously, as a sports fan and sports writer, how could you possibly have given up on this sport??? Other than because of Bettman's obvious attempt to alienate the league from the entire American population.

Bill Simmons: BECAUSE MY OWNER WAS AN EFFING CHEAPSKATE!!!!!!!!!!!

AND BECAUSE THE BRUINS DIDN'T MAKE THE FACKIN' PLAYOFFS FOR A FEW YEARS! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, CHEE-AHHHH FOR A TEAM THAT DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE OF WINNING? THAT'S NAHHHHHT WHAT BEING A FAN IS ALL ABOUT! I SWEA-AHHHHH TO GAWD, IF THE PATRIOTS DON'T WIN IT ALL THIS YE-AHHHHHH, I AM FACKIN' DONE WITH THOSE LOSAHHHHHHS.

Danny (Boston): I'm on my 11th beer of the 3rd period...i can't take this anymore

WE DRINK HAHHHHHDAHHHHHH THAN YOU DO!

Tom (Vermont) : So at what point are you going to a Bruins game? Conference finals? Stanley Cup Finals? Jeremy Jacobs Memorial Night?

Bill Simmons: I was supposed to go to Game 5 of B's-Habs with my Dad. Was super pumped. Then they swept. Never thought i'd be slightly disappointed by the Bruins sweeping Montreal.

Never thought I'd find myself going to Bruins playoff game anytime soon- that's why I gave up on them in 2005!

Chris (Jersey): Just my luck...I effing hate the NBA and watch back to back games to be able to participate in this chat, and now its all geared towards the NHL playoffs which I cant watch...I give up Simmons.

Bill Simmons: You sounds like quite a sports fan!

Pot, meet kettle!

Dan NY, NY: What a phony you are for not watching the Bruins all regular season and pretending to be super nervous right now.

Bill Simmons: That's total BS. I absolutely watched the Bruins this season - I watched more hockey than I let on. Remember, I have 4 TVs.

Yeah, it was last season where I didn't watch them at all until the playoffs started! Get your years straight.

Bill Simmons: A game-winner by Scott Walker would have caused the biggest riot since 1776.

What's that you say? A series-winning overtime goal from the guy who half sucker punched a Boston player earlier in the series? That would supposedly cause a giant riot? Well, I sure hope it did when it happened about 30 minutes after Simmons wrote that sentence. Scott Walker is my favorite hockey player for the time being.

KB: Nice job of TSN bringing up the 0-20 stat. Even Canada likes to torture Boston fans

EVERYONE IS AGAINST US!

Greg (Boston: Everytime Walker touches the puck near the net, rage boils in my heart hoping it won't end like this...

Someone check on Greg and make sure he's OK. It's been a few days, maybe the rage is only simmering at this point.

Mike, Bruins Nation West: So proud of the Bruin fans! They're bringing it!

And every last one of them has been a huge fan since at least 2007. Alright, let's let Bill close this one down and let the schadenfreude wash over us.

Bill Simmons: You gotta be kidding me.

Bill Simmons: Worst.

Bill Simmons: Case.

Bill Simmons: Scenario.

Bill Simmons: Time to go walking... thanks everybody.

I NEVAH LIKED THE BRUINS ANYWAYS! BUNCH OF FAHKIN' BED SHITTAHS! GO SAWKS! WOOOOO! PAPELBAHHHHHHHN! PEDROIAHHHHHHHH! GET THAT BUM ORTIZ OFF THE TEAM, HE HASN'T DONE SHIT FOR US FOR AT LEAST 9 MONTHS!