Gene Wojceichowski Can Wait

He's just been one-upped by Around the Horn supporting character J.A. Adande. Thanks to reader Peej for the tip.

This is really, really, really bad.

This March, NBA Has the Madness

My editor sent down a list of games for me to cover, and that March 21 Rockets-Warriors assignment didn't bother me at all. Yes, I know the significance of the date. It's the first Friday of the NCAA tournament. One of the best days on the sports-viewing calendar. When I bought my comfy leather theater seats, I envisioned this day, the hours I would spend staring at the screen. Only this time, I don't mind missing that sport's holy day one bit.

I'm not as excited about the road to the Final Four as I am about the final eight weeks of the NBA regular season.

Everyone in this wonderful country of ours is, of course, entitled to their opinion. At the same time: you're wrong. Very wrong. And I'm saying this as a big NBA fan, too. I'm not some kind "football and NASCAR are the only real sports and if you like anything else yer a big pussy" kind of guy. I like the NBA almost as much as I like MLB or the NFL. In my opinion, the NBA's regular season clowns on college basketball's regular season and the NBA playoffs are just a slight step below March Madness. Wire-to-wire, therefore, I think the NBA puts out a much more entertaining product. So with all that said, let me reiterate: J.A. Adande, you are a fucking idiot.

This year the pro game doesn't just offer better players, it offers better games and better story lines.

Such as: how many Eastern Conference playoff teams will actually have winning records? At what point will teams actually start playing like there's something on the line? Why is everyone who plays for the Spurs such a little bitch? Must see TV.

As soon as Tennessee ended Memphis' quest for an undefeated season, this year's festivities became Just Another Tournament. We won't get a chance to see perfection.

Why is just another tournament capitalized? Is there some acronym joke in there that I'm missing out on? And for what it's worth, a team has entered the tournament undefeated exactly once in the last 28 years. (UNLV, 1991.) So if that's your complaint, you're clearly not the March Madness fan you made yourself out to be in that awkward intro.

There's no fully loaded Florida, Duke or UNLV going for a repeat.

Whoop-de-shit. Did anyone besides UF's fans enjoy last year's tournament that much more because of their repeat pursuit?

There are no truly great teams that will be remembered by anyone but their fans a few years from now.

Yeah, but that Suns-76ers matchup on March 28 is guaranteed to be one for the ages! (J.A. specifically names this game as one he's excited about watching in lieu of NCAA games in a sidebar to the article.)

In the NBA, the Rockets are working on the league's longest winning streak since 1972.

True, that is interesting. Probably about 10% as interesting as March Madness, but still, I'll give credit where it's due.

The Lakers are trying to lay the foundation for a new dynasty.

Apparently being bounced out of the playoffs early a couple seasons in a row, then being one of the best teams in league 3/4 of the way through a subsequent regular season now qualifies you for dynasty-foundation-laying status. Man, if only my Nuggets could put together a little win streak and get themselves to the top of the Western Conference heap, they'd be laying the foundation for a new dynasty too.

The Spurs are trying to put a cap on theirs.

Here's my impression of a person watching a Spurs game: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Get it?

The Celtics are trying to do their banners proud.

What? Are they good this year? I hadn't heard.

LeBron James is walking across the bridge from potential to reality.

He's been doing that for like three years, dummy. It's still not more interesting than March Madness.

For a change, none of these stories can simply wait until the playoffs.

Actually, they will have to wait until the playoffs. And 99% of American sports fans will not be bothered by this at all.

There's too much on the line right now, when seeds can be gained or lost, pathways determined. All you need to know about the importance of this month is that Kobe Bryant would rather play with an out-of-whack finger than get surgery and miss any of these games.

That's right, folks. A hyper-competitive, mega type-A superstar who's working on cementing his legacy as an all time great would rather be on the court playing than sitting out to heal. Therefore: the NBA's regular season is better than March Madness.

Not that there's anything wrong with the tournament. I love filling out my brackets. I even love it when they get shredded by an out-of-the-blue upset. I love getting off a plane in March and seeing people crowd around the airport bar TV sets, with the sound of high-tops squeaking on the court coming from the speakers.

Good, yes, these are all reasons many people (especially airport employees) like the tournament.

But my first love is the game of basketball, and it's being played at a much higher level in the NBA.

No. Stinking. Way. Shut the front door. Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally. You're telling me... players in the NBA... are better at basketball than college athletes? This is outrageous. Everything I thought I knew has just changed. Down is up. Left is right. Basements are full of natural light. Jay Mariotti is awesome. Carlos Mencia is funny.

Instead of watching Derrick Rose and imagining how good a point guard he might be, I'd rather witness the mastery of the position demonstrated by Chris Paul and Deron Williams right now. Michael Beasley can be. Tim Duncan is.

Compared to 99.9999% of the population, Rose is already an amazing point guard and Beasley already "is." The difference between those guys and Paul/Williams/Duncan is relatively small. If you're going to pick on something, sheesh, pick on NCAA role players compared to their NBA counterparts. The gap between the average NBA 10th man and NCAA 10th man is astronomical compared to differences between the stars. Not that that even matters.

Ultimately it comes down to this: The pros make shots. As intense and competitive as that Memphis-Tennessee game was, neither team shot 40 percent.

Both teams in the one NCAA game Adande watched this year had bad shooting nights. Therefore: fuck March Madness. Bring on the Celtics visiting the Hornets on March 21! (Memphis for the entire year: 46.6% on field goals. Tennessee: 46.1%.)

Normally the tournament compensates for the talent gap with extra passion.

Not this year. Turns out, none of the players, coaches, student bodies, or alums give a shit anymore. Weird timing, huh? Why, it was just last year that the tournament was as exciting as ever. Now people are really just looking forward to getting up and going to work every morning.

Win or else your season and/or career comes to an end.

That's still how it works.

But in this season's NBA, in which no team's playoff seeding is assured, there's something to be gained or lost every night. Add stakes to skills and you get phenomenal ball.

In the West, 8 teams are fighting for 9 playoff spots. Yawn. In the East, everyone outside the top four teams knows that they suck, are extremely lucky to still be in contention, and are getting bounced the fuck out in the first round. Are you really going to call that "something to be gained or lost every night?"

Seeing a college kid dive for old U is one thing. Seeing Shaq hurdle seats because he wants one last ring for his collection is something beyond.

The college kid is playing for nothing more than tuition, and will be selling insurance in a year or two. But he'll always remember that year he led his mid-major team full of nobodies to the Sweet 16 and became a household name for just a few days. Shaq, on the other hand, wants to buy another diamond-encrusted bidet. He knows he can afford to do so with a playoff bonus. You're right- that second storyline is a lot more compelling than the first.

For every day of the tournament until the championship game gets that Monday night to itself, I can point you to an NBA game that could make for better viewing. (Read the table on the right to see what I mean.)

I've already referenced it twice. Click on the story link and check it out yourself in its entirety if you need a good chuckle.

There's no guarantee that all of these matchups will turn out to be great.

But the pro games I promise you won't be subjected to:

Complete and total lack of defense from many teams until the fourth quarter? Hilariously preferential refereeing for superstars? Constant offensive sets consisting of nothing but isolation kick-outs? Oh, wait. You definitely will be subjected to all of those.

Obsessive coaches hogging the attention, forcing their players to stick with systems while mismatches scream to be exploited. This drives me crazy. I almost want to smuggle some Detriot Pistons game DVDs to the kids just to show them it's OK to break from the offense to take advantage of a weak defender.

How often is this an issue? I'm no Phil Jackson, so someone feel free to explain to me the extent to which this is some horrific epidemic at the college level. I'm guessing that it really isn't.

Excessive use of the word "Cinderella." It comes up in the NBA, just not as often. Google search hits for "George Mason Cinderella": 355,000. Google search hits for "Golden State Warriors Cinderella": 70,000. And I dare any writer to go up to Stephen Jackson and compare him to a fairy-tale princess.

Fuck, that doesn't prove anything. I dare you to make eye contact with Stephen Jackson from less than 15 feet away. It doesn't really matter what you say to the guy, he's probably going to rip off your arms and beat you with them regardless. And really, who is complaining about "Cinderella?" Anybody? Anybody besides J.A., and maybe people like Dennis Miller or Larry David who complain about everything?

Any of that Duke floor-slapping stuff. Although I have to say, the most satisfying college basketball moment I've seen in a while came during Saturday's Duke-North Carolina game, shortly after Greg Paulus did a floor slap. Danny Green threw down a Lipton's special dunk on him that said, "Slap this." That was so next level. I hit the rewind button on my DVR so much I nearly drained the battery. That enriched my life immensely. Thank you, Mr. Green.

What the hell are you talking about? Stop. Acting like anyone really gives a shit about Duke's celebration tactics is like saying "much has been made" of the Celtics' African mantra/motto thingy this year.

The problem with the NCAA tournament is that it doesn't deliver Duke vs. North Carolina. The committee is required to spread conference teams as far as possible, to put off a potential meeting until the later rounds -- so we get a bunch of matchups with no history.

I don't even need to explain how dumb that is. If you can't figure out why, let me give you two hints from two different angles, phrased as questions:

1. Do you think the point of the NCAA tourney is to determine a champion, or recreate historic conference matchups that already happen twice a season?
2. Remember all those great Nuggets/Mavericks games from back in the day? Or how about all the times the Cavaliers and Magic have gone toe to toe? Woo hooo!

J.A. is evidently one of those people who thinks that every year, the World Series should be the Yankees vs. Red Sox, the Super Bowl should be Cowboys vs. Steelers, and the Olympic hockey final should be USA vs. USSR.

Because the players turn over so often and the scheduling is inconsistent, it's hard to develop good national rivalries in college hoops.

Yet somehow, it's still easy to effectively shut down productivity in most places of work that employ sports fans for two Thursdays and two Fridays each March. How does the NCAA manage to pull it off? My theory: steroids.

The NBA loads up on the conference and divisional matchups as the schedule winds down. This season promises to be a slugfest all the way through.

Sure, I'll be watching the NCAAs during the off hours. But when NBA duty calls, I won't feel I'm missing out. I'll be where the real action is.

You will be alone. Everyone else will be where the allegedly fake action is, which we find to be about 1,000 times more compelling. Pretty strange- I guess you're just that much smarter than the rest of us.

Seriously, what a dipshit.

And Barry Bonds Is The Only Athlete Ever To Take Steroids

ESPN college basketball analyst (I almost put quotation marks around analyst, but I'm not that lame) Hubert Davis, offering his thoughts earlier tonight about North Carolina's chances in the tournament:

What I like about Tyler Hansbrough is that he's the only player in the country who always gives 100% effort on both ends of the court.

Really? The one and only? Singular? You're an idiot.

FINALLY, Heyman Said Something Wrong Again

Whew. My absence has been due to a lack of ability to find material, not because I haven't been looking. Anywho.....it's time for "Hey, man!"

MESA, Ariz. -- If Chicago's beloved North Side team can't make the playoffs this year, I am going to start believing in the black cat, the Billy Goat, Bartman and all the rest. The Cubs are simply too talented and too deep not to make it back to October.

Isn't it just crazy that all of those things start with 'b'?

But seriously, Heyman. I agree that they're favorites. They aren't locks. Go on.

Perhaps no team has a clearer path to the playoffs than the defending NL central champions.

Angels, Heyman, Angels. Just because the Mariners got Bedard doesn't mean they'll be any good. They were outscored last year, and their lucky record confused the Mariners into thinking they were built to win. There isn't a team in the AL West that is even threatening. The Brewers, on the other hand, are right on the Cubs' heels, with a young and improving lineup and a revamped bullpen.

They already have a lot of great things going for them, not the least of which is a division in which the only serious threat may be the Milwaukee Brewers, an organization with even less World Series familiarity than the Cubs.

Ooooh....right.....sorry Milwaukee. Guess the talent level of your team has been overshadowed by the fact that the prior teams in the history of your franchise (most of which contained no current Brewers players, mind you) have not made the World Series. Not only can you not win the division as a result....you can't even be considered a threat either.

Chicago's rotation is sound, led by tough guy Carlos Zambrano, who, after the A's used a DH the other day, batted because no one wanted to tell him he couldn't (besides, he can hit).

"Chicago's rotation is sound, led by tough guy Carlos Zambrano, who, (insert something that has nothing to do with why Zambrano is good)." "Tough guy" doesn't cut it. And Zam's strikeout rate slipped a good deal last year, which is concerning.

Also, saying the Cubs' rotation is "sound" is a great (read: obvious) way to avoid talking about the problems it has when you're trying to argue the team is very good. There's every reason to think Rich Hill will have a solid year, as should Lilly, despite some likely regression. When you're talking about contenders, however, a 1-2-3 of Zam, Lilly, and Hill is well below average. Dempster and Lieber are at best, question marks. Plus, there's always the chance that Jason Marquis will complain his way into the rotation, which should be enough to gag any Cubs fan who knows his track record.

The bullpen, unlike in recent years, has at least two viable closer options -- Carlos Marmol has been light's out this spring, and Kerry Wood hit 98 recently. And the lineup looks awfully powerful, no matter how manager Lou Piniella pencils them in (more on that later).

Kerry Wood and Carlos Marmol combined career saves: 1

Yes, either one MIGHT be good in the role, but come on, you can't list this as a reason that the Cubs are superior to other teams. This isn't better than coming into the season with an established closer, as the majority of the teams do (Todd Joneses and Joe Borowskis aside).

Despite the Cubs' history, which includes 99 straight seasons without a World Series championship, star first baseman Derrek Lee agreed that they should be prohibitive favorites in the NL Central.

Intriguing, the Cubs are able to be favorites to win the division DESPITE the fact that the 1941, 1982, and 1916 Cubs did not happen to win the World Series! Truly remarkable!

When are writers going to realize that the losing legacy of the Cubs has absolutely no significant effect on the players on the field?

Please Stop Doing Things, ESPN

This is a terrible topic for a post, because I don't have any way to link you to the thing I'm about to complain about, but I'm going to write it anyways. Was anyone watching the ACC Championship game on ESPN on Sunday? Holy dogballs. ESPN was doing this "thing"... I guess you could call it a piece of production, or a just a bit. Going to and coming back from commercial breaks, they showed montages of both Clemson and North Carolina, set to this fucking ridiculous music. It was like a church choir doing an intense chanting-style exhortation of the two teams over the top of a dramatic orchestral fanfare, the kind you might hear in the background of an action scene in a Star Wars movie or a montage of the most important speeches of the 20th century. The singers were emphasizing every syllable really strongly. Like: "North Car-o-lin-a! Play-ing hard and strong! Class of the A-C-C!" Or: "Clem-son Ti-gers! Will-ful and ded-i-ca-ted! Try-ing to si-lence their de-mons!"

Fucking fuck. It was the worst bit in the history of sports media. Ever. Bar none. Whoever conceptualized and produced whatever is now the second worst bit should thank whoever is responsible for this one by sending them a box full of feces. In fact, fuck that- whoever is responsible for this one should be locked in a metal tube and launched into outer space so they never even get to open their box of poop. Honestly, they had to have been on meth when they decided to push the idea forward and get the thing put together. There's no other explanation.

Now do you see why I'm disappointed I have no way to link you to this? I looked around for a clip but couldn't find one. I'm not surprised by that- if you tried to DVR it, your TV would probably have exploded in what would amount to an inanimate object's crude attempt at suicide. What a train wreck. I felt awful when I thought about the choir that they hired to do this. I've heard ad jingles for local businesses that were less awkward. (The first 30 seconds of this video has the music, but the lyrics are responsible for 98% of the comedy and it doesn't have those.)

Also, let me briefly remind you to please send tips and links to firejaymariotti@gmail.com. All talk of living in basements and piloting hot air balloons aside, I honestly did just start a new job that keeps me away from a computer most of the day. So help me help you- save me the time of finding hilariously atrocious sportswriting and you'll get to read more posts. Simple as that.

Check back tomorrow when I'll be finished with a post making fun of Gene Wojceichowski. Or as I like to call him, "The Polish Rifle." What? That nickname is already taken by former NBA sharpshooter Eric Piatkowski? WHAT? Piatkowski is actually still on an NBA roster? He's played in 14 games this season? Gee golly, I feel so... young.

You Talk, We Listen

This is going to be so meta- let's review comments from Friday's post. If you don't like how I address your concerns, feel free to kiss my pasty white ass. And what I said on Friday about this not leading to any improvements for the blog still holds true. I just wanted a chance to make some cheap jokes.

Archie says-

You know what I hate? I hate all the fucking applications. What was wrong with the site when it was a simple, user-friendly tool for social networking? Nowadays, I can't read a single post without being barraged with asinine games and personality quizzes.

Those applications are the only way we make money off this thing, which, of course, is our ultimate goal. You'd be surprised at how many people are playing the Gene Wojceichowski Zombie Hunt you reference. If you're only in it for the networking, that's fine, but you're not exactly helping us make it big.

Only semi-legit complaint I've got is that I'd love to know who "won" last week's reader participation.

Forgot to do that on Monday. I'll announce it at the end of this post, along with this week's winner. Hint: it's not you. Or is it?

Seriously, this is a great site. If you really want me to roast you guys, I guess I can do it,

Wow. Talk about picking on the low hanging fruit.

Jones points out-

Well... [guy from that other site] is Mose Schrute, and you're not.

PNoles already made a similar joke, but how do you know we're not cast members of a different TV show? What if I told you I was (deep, throaty FOX promotional guy voice) Hooouuuuuuse?

CS chimes in-

And on that note, this blog needs more professional television writers.

It would be great if we could pull off having jobs like that, but, you know... the whole parents' basement thing.

Matt has a legitimate complaint-

I hate the way your telemarketers call me at dinner time like 3x a week to try to upsell me on additional services. I'm already a satisfied customer of your blog, so: what the fuck? I signed up for that "do not call" list, but apparently there's a massive loophole where there's no limit to how much a company I already to business with is allowed to harrass the shit out of me.

Through some clever legal maneuvering, we've managed to classify ourselves as a non-profit organization which exempts us from most "do not call" rules. Deal with it. You can stop the pain anytime you want by just giving in and signing up for our premium service plan.

SLWG addresses a very important issue-

Well, this is a pretty enjoyable site and I'm not the kind of person who looks for things to criticize, so I wouldn't want to nit pick about anything, except, well, there is this one thing that, I have to admit, really can get a little annoying, in fact, it can get pretty damn annoying. I wonder why you have to keep bringing up, over and over and over, this whole thing about "scrappy, gritty little white guys". I don't see anything wrong with a little appreciation of scrappy, gritty little white guys. What's your problem with that? Huh? It just so happens that I AM a scrappy little white guy who aspires to someday also be gritty, and frankly, if your eyes weren't permanently damaged by living in a dark basement, you'd see that the world would be a LOT better off if there were more SGLWGs around. I just so happen to think that I'm ONE EFFING IMPRESSIVE HUMAN BEING, and if you and your pathetic little friends can't see that, then screw all of you! GOT IT????

Let me tell you a story. By the time I reached the 1st grade, I stood a massive (for my age) 4'7" and weighed 92 pounds. This made me the largest kid in my class and a multi-sport superstar. It didn't matter what we were playing- kickball, tee-ball, 500, wallball, capture the flag- I was unstoppable. Nothing bugged me like small, gritty, gutty white kids. Quit trying to compensate for your lack of size and athletic ability by hustling and scrapping. I'm just better than you! Then something horrible happened. I stopped growing. Today I'm still 4'7" and 92 lbs. So what I'm trying to say is that our handling of small, gritty, gutty white guys on this blog is an issue of self-loathing. I'm working on it with my online therapist.

Jeff lightens the tone-

The worst part of this blog is....well....since Larry got his "shift" key fixed, I have no complaints.

It was a major step but I'm glad I did it. Those pretentious fuckjobs over at Dodger Thoughts, who mocked me for not using it after we got linked there back in September, helped convince me that the change had to be made.

The best part of this blog is the pictures and all the residual Firejay groupies who show up at my site. Hello there.

Easy, dude. That's my sister.

Chris Hart has a laundry list of complaints, most of which just amount to "I'm a crybaby bitch," so let's take them one at a time-

First of all, your posts are too long. I don't have all day to sit around and read your witty jokes about Dusty Baker or Boston area sports teams. Some of us have real jobs. You know, jobs that don't involve asking if customers want paper or plastic.

What are you, fucking nuts? How many times do we have to tell you what part of our parents' houses we live in and how we feel about leaving it? And furthermore, even if we did get real jobs, we definitely wouldn't get ones that involve interacting with customers face to face. I'd rather be the mop-up man at an XXX-rated movie theater than bag groceries. Speaking of that, and your "real" job, did you get that promotion to assistant shift manager you've been talking about?

Hey, rest of the Fire Jay Mariotti crew, you guys wanna man up a little? I can only stomach so much of LarryB's shitty, bumbling prose.

Not disagreement here. Even I can only stand so much of me.

When was the last time Eriz posted?

Shortly before he bought a Wii.

Or dan-bob?

Well, last week. But the last time he posted frequently was last October, so here's hoping the return of baseball season brings him back into the fold.

And while I'm at it: pnoles- lighten up a little bit

He's actually pretty laid back in person. He just likes using capital letters when he's on teh blogopages.

chrisw - nobody cares that you're from chicago

He's from Wisconsin.

and Jarrett- hockey is dead, give up.

Be careful- as soon as you say something like that, boom- Jarrett punches you in the back of the head, knocking you to the ice unconscious and damaging your spinal column. Oh wait, that's Todd Bertuzzi. (Too soon?)

What else do I hate about this site that nobody forces me to read? Oh yeah. Tons! Stop hating on Bill Simmons because he has the job you so desperately wish you all had.

I think you know full well that's not why we hate. No, rather, we make fun of Bill specifically to antagonize you. you're a stupid emtpyheaded sheep who pretends like he enjoys whatever shitpile of an article Simmons writes and makes excuses for him like "Hey, it's a tough job, let's see you do better!" or "But you have to agree with him, the refs really were biased against the Patriots!" In short: shut up. It's idiots like you that keep Simmons's career afloat when it should have capsized two years ago.

Stop acting like you're the cats meow because you read Moneyball and can look up stats on baseball-reference.

I actually haven't read Moneyball, but I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done beating Mortal Kombat II for the fourteenth time this month. And yes, looking up stats on baseball-reference does make me feel like the cock of the walk.

I also hate your new site format. Why'd you change color schemes? Decided that Douche-Orange would fit your personality better?

I'm going to pin that one on Dan-Bob, who all but insisted I get rid of the green back in October. Since then? More readers, more links, and more endorsements. So I think it's working out alright for us. If you really hate douche-orange, head over to Two Guys Who Like, Never Agree and let them know how you feel about it. I'm sure you'll enjoy getting posterized by them just as much as you're loving this.

Also, your mascot Jeff Pearlman, is racist and hates the great state of South Carolina.

He's not a "mascot." (What does that even mean in the context of a blog?) I'd say he's more like a punching bag, or a crazy old uncle who's always saying things that are glaringly wrong.

Which means you hate it too.

Maybe. But I do like NASCAR, so that should balance things out a bit.

God damn it, I hate you guys so much.

We love you!

BenGoodFella confirms to everyone that Chris Hart is a big time jackass-

If they ever stopped mocking Simmons I would copy and paste any reaction I had to Simmons in the comments box and let everyone have to sift through it to read the other comments. I live for Simmons bashing.

Welcome to my world. And on a related note, Ben has a blog now. (As does Archie for that matter.) I'll link both of them in a later post. We're all one big happy family of basement dwelling losers.

My only complaint is that I don't like hockey, so I drudge through those posts. I stop at the curse words and chuckle though.

If Jarrett is good at one thing, it's cursing.

I am sure I talk about shit no one else cares about (see above), so it is no big deal.

Are you still typing? Who are you again?

Blanco raises an important concern-

The one thing I hate about this site is when Larry B starts a post that starts something like "It's late, I'm fucking beat" cause it means his mommy is making him go to bed or simmons wrote an article about a funeral so you can't make fun of it and instead now I gotta do some shit instead of blowing off work.

You bait that line and I'll bite it. Haven't read that Simmons piece but I'll take a look later tonight and see if it's parseable. Ben seems to think it is. As for the part where you criticize my complaining about it being late and me being tired: being a sports blogger is tough, man. You don't understand how draining it can be. Eventually the night reaches a point where if I'm going to address an article, it's going to keep me up too late for me to be able to wake up and catch "The Price Is Right" in the morning. And if I can't watch "The Price Is Right," why even bother getting out of bed? I hope that helps you understand why I've been slacking lately.

Anonymous has a very valid point-

the worst part of this blog is how racist you all are.

HOW CAN YOU HATE JEMELE HILL AND STEVEN A. SMITH - THEY ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT. ESPECIALLY STEVEN A. HE IS IMPORTANT. EVERYTHING HE SAYS CARRIES IMMENSE WEIGHT, THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE SHINGLES FROM ALL THE SPHINCTER-CLENCHING GOING ON OVER AT THE 4-LETTER NETWORK.

Thank you so much for that. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think shingles are caused by sphincter clenching. Were it not for that gaffe I'd be awarding you this week's Top Comment prize. Come back next week and try your luck again.

also larry b needs to stop using goddamn capital letters. giving in to peer pressure, larry? saaaaaaaad.

See? When it comes to pleasing the audience of a small, irrelevant blog, you just can't win. Some people want capital letters, some don't. Some people want more Simmons bashing, some want less. And some people think Rachel Nichols is hot, while others like to be able to see a woman's entire face without her nose blocking out the rest of the features.

Chris W responds to the title of the post-

Oh knock it off [LarryB] you're the fattest one in the car!

You don't have to tell it like it is, Chris!

Another Anonymous has a request-

You guys don't use the "doyennes of dirt" label enough.

Noted.

Ed Hardiman has a theory re: the whole "Fire ____ _____" naming scheme.

Are you sure they didn't steal the title of your blog using precognition...or maybe they used a time machine to go into the future, steal your blog title and then returned to the past, that works too...

I don't care what the critics said or what the box office numbers were. That movie was fucking awful.

Thanks again to everyone for submitting. If the comments continue at this same furious pace every time I ask for feedback about the blog, maybe we can make this kind of response piece a regular feature. Who knows. I feel bad because writing this means I have less time later to write something that's actually about bad sportswriting. But I'll get over it.

As for those winners I promised to name- for this week, even though he's a monumental dickbag, let's go ahead and acknowledge the effort Chris Hart put into his comment. Cherish it, asshole. You won't be back on top again anytime soon.

Last week... man, that was a long time ago... but fuck it, I'll just hand it to Archie for his five paragraph manifesto as to why he'd rather play sports with the natives than have a TV. Did I pick him because he agreed with my personal stance on the issue? Although he makes a compelling case, no. The real reason I picked him was for this:

(from my original post): In the meantime, let's all compete for an imaginary junk food prize and a meaningless title which is awarded completely arbitrarily after being judged by a panel of one.

Archie: Eh, still means more than the Gold Glove.

Take it to the bank. This is your moment in the sun, Archie. Feel free to leave a rambling 1500 word comment with several nearly indecipherable references.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Go Ahead, Tell It Like It Is

It's late, I'm fucking beat, and I'm in the mood to get made fun of. So let's open up the floor for negative comments. That's right- I want you to let loose and tell me what the absolutely worst part of this blog is. Or the worst five parts. Whatever tickles you. Keep in mind, however, that your criticisms will almost definitely not lead to any improvements around here. This isn't a restaurant comment card where if you put like "why do u carry coke products they stink, get pepsi products they r better" the place will immediately start carrying Pepsi because they're terrified of losing your business. It's really just more of a chance for you to vent. So... tell it like it is. Come on. My life already stinks, it's not like your harsh words will make it any worse.

I'm going to go ahead and take the easiest one right out of the gate- we stole our name, format, and style from another blog. I hadn't realized this until a couple of very keen-eyed commenters last fall pointed it out. But son of a bitch, I went and checked out their site, and it's true! Oops. Our bad. So that's definitely shitty. What else ya got?

I Need To Find A Way To Record And Play Back Audio Off My XM Radio

Because as I'm quickly learning, their "MLB Home Plate" channel is a fucking gold mine. And I want to be able to quote their fantastically dunderheaded analysts verbatim.

Like I've posted about a couple of times recently, you've got Rob Dibble running his mouth for three hours a day in the afternoon. I've also recently gotten into their morning show, which features Mark Patrick and Buck Martinez. The two shared a great exchange this morning, re: (who else?) scrappy white guys. This is all paraphrased because, as the title states, I don't have a way to record any of this nonsense yet. Mark will be (mostly) playing the role of "just the facts" guy, while Buck stands tall as the grit-loving quasi color commentator.

Mark: Interesting development for the Cubs yesterday- Lou Pinella dropped Alfonso Soriano to number two in the lineup and plugged Ryan Theriot in at the leadoff spot. Now... I understand Lou is trying to juggle around whoever he's got, and Theriot is a guy who plays hard. But I just don't know about having a guy at the top of the order who batted .266 with a .326 on base percentage last year.

Buck: (flustered, wanting to disagree without making a big deal about things because he loves small white guys) Well... yeah... but people would say the same about David Eckstein.

Yes, they'd say that. And they'd be right. It's sad- people who love Eckstein are now using him as justification for putting other short white guys who aren't very good into the same role he used to fill. This will inevitably lead to some people using Barry Bonds as an example that proves Shawne Merriman is a victim and people are only attacking him because he's black.

Hola, Amigos. I Know It's Been a Long Time Since I Rapped At Ya

Anybody on that reference? No? No one? OK, Forget it.

Since we never pick on low-hanging fruit here at FireJay, today I've decided to write something about William Simmons from the Anchorage Daily News. His nickname is "The Never A Pompous Dickhole Guy." (It used to be "The Anchorage Never A Pompous Dickhole Guy," but then he got syndicated.) In this column, he speculates on some "what if(s)?" from recent NBA history.

14. What if Jason Williams never crashed his motorcycle?

It has been so long, I feel like I have to add this disclaimer: We're talking about the Jason Williams from Duke (who later shortened his name to Jay Williams) -- not Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or Jayson "The Guy Accused of Killing A Chauffeur" Williams. Anyway, not a week goes by without some troublemaking reader sending us a "bad" prediction from my archives to make me feel stupid -- at least, I think that's the goal -- and one of the leading "somethings" comes from 2003, when I predicted Williams (the No. 2 pick in 2003) would be a better pro than Yao Ming (the No. 1 pick).

Use your imagination for a second. Pretend you're William. Are you in that mindset? Open a window to make your house or apartment colder. You're in Alaska, after all. Now are you in that mindset? Good. OK, so, you're a popular national sports columnist. You write dozens upon dozens of columns every year. Often, as is common practice in the industry, you make predictions about things that haven't happened yet in these columns. Some of these predictions will undoubtedly end up being right. Others will end up being wrong. And the rest will end up in a greyish area, where they are neither right nor wrong. Now, if some obnoxious readers (whose presence, keep in mind, you are in no way forced to acknowledge) want to harass you via email about such a prediction, what is your response? I mean, besides to email them back with a flash video of someone being hit with a snowball from first person perspective!

Think about it. I'll give you a second.






What's it going to be? Well, I hope you said "Take the low road and desperately cling to my unprovable stance which would probably be wrong if it were somehow testable."

Well, you know what? I was right. I was DEAD right.

Is that a joke about the other Jayson Williams's aforementioned chauffeur? I hope not. That would be tacky. And no, William. You were not right. You were let off the hook by Williams's injury. And had he never stepped onto that fateful motorcycle, it's unlikely you'd have been right when all was said and done. Make your case, and then I'll tell you why you're wrong. Then I'll make fun of you for living in an igloo!

A lightning-quick, physical 6-footer who would have been unstoppable after they changed the hand-check rules in 2004,

This might be true. But when it comes to offensive centers, Yao is on many nights the very definition of unstoppable. He's usually five inches taller than everyone else on the court, and frequently gets entry passes less than twelve feet from the basket. I don't even think a polar bear could guard him in that situation!

Williams had his moments as a rookie, including the 26-14-13 he slapped on J-Kidd and the Nets.

Former Detriot Tiger Chris Shelton had his moments, such as the 10 home runs he hit in April 2006. He now coincidentally owns a cross country ski lodge just outside of Amchorage!

He would have been a stud. There's no doubt in my mind.

To some degree, that may be true. I have no problem with that assertion. This post is really more about how fucking ridiculous it is to act like Yao isn't one of the 15 best players in the league. He's a minor liability on defense if the Rockets' opponent has a center who can step out and hit jumpers. But barring that, he's great. He's fucking great. He's an offensive force who commands double teams like Shaq did six-plus years ago. (I'm not saying he's as good as turn of the century Shaq, I'm saying defenses have to focus on him in a similar way.) He rebounds and passes extremely well. He was averaging 22, 10, and 2 blocks this year until his injury. If all the players in the league had their contracts cancelled tomorrow and the teams had to re-draft them all from scratch, where do you think Yao would be taken? Even with the injury concerns, there's no way he falls out of top 20. And you think you're "DEAD right" about Williams ending up as a better pro if he doesn't get hurt? Although it's tough to compare a PG to a C, odds are, even if Williams turns into everything he could have been him and Yao are roughly equally valuable on the court for most of their careers. Sounds like you've got frostbite in your brain!

(And while we're here, I wasn't sold on Yao for the same reason I'm not sold on any guy taller than 7-foot-2 -- other than Kareem, there's no track record of super-tall guys being able to stay healthy and effective while playing between 82-100 games per season at the NBA level.

I like this 7'2" cutoff. So being 7'1", like Shaq or Tyson Chandler, is no problem. But once you add that extra inch, watch out. Injury city. Being right at 7' even, like many recently great centers (Olajuwon, Ewing, Robinson), means you are completely immune to anything up to and including the common cold. Being 6'11", like Dwight Howard or Tim Duncan, means you have negative injury risk. You can actually heal other players on your team who suffer injuries with the touch of your hand.

Bill Walton, Rik Smits, Shawn Bradley, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Tom Burleson, Gheorghe Muresan ... all of those guys had major problems staying on the court, right?

Walton is a fair point. (Looking at his numbers, Jesus, the guy wasn't even that good! I guess he's better known as a college player.) Smits played 70 games in 9 of his 12 seasons. Ilgauskas has cleared 60 in all but one of seasons so far. He missed nine games total from 2002-03 to 2006-07. Burleson is a fair point. And Muresan stunk anyways. Insert "My Giant" joke here. So, no, wrong. Not all of them had/have major problems staying on the court.

It's not a game designed for freakishly tall guys who weigh 300-plus pounds.

It's not a game designed for 6 footers who weigh less than 200, either. Everyone gets beat up out there on the court. Maybe large centers are a bit more susceptible to getting hurt, but it's not like you can bank on any player of any size as a non-concern. I won't bother to list all the point guards throughout recent history who have had their careers affected to some degree by time spent in a suit on the bench, but there are plenty. T.J. Ford. Baron Davis. Even Sam "Simmons is all over my nuts, like, it's barely a figure of speech, he's practically grabbing them" Cassell. Hey, I guess that's what they do up in Alaska when it's cold out! Help keep each other's genitals warm! Dick joke!

That's what worried me about Yao, along with the whole "everyone will be going out of their way to dunk on him" thing

Although it's partially meant as a joke, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever read.

and all the requisite cultural adjustments.

The seriousness of that statement is why the dunking thing should be taken as only a partial joke. And as absolutely buttfucking ridiculous. Oh no, you wouldn't want your super-tall center to get dunked on! If it happens that's worth 50 points for the other team. The league reviews the footage, too, and usually suspends the center for a few games.

If Williams hadn't bought that freaking motorcycle, I would have been right on this one. So there.)

Almost definitely not. You are petty, unfunny, and stupid. William Simmons, I hope you get slowly crushed to death by a glacier!

It's Unexplainable

Really, the obsession that baseball writers have with these two.

I don't love Jayson Stark or anything, but he's usually a pretty reasonable guy. And actually, this article isn't over-the-top; it just repeats pretty much everything said about Rolen and the most bad ass shortstop-turned-German-wrestler around.

The highlights:

DUNEDIN, Fla. -- It's 786 miles (and one trip through the customs line) from Busch Stadium to the Rogers Centre. But Scott Rolen and David Eckstein don't measure that journey on their odometers.

What are they measuring it on? Their rulers? Their yardsticks?

Oh. Yeah. Probably their hearts. There's a lot of miles on old Eckstein's heart, seeing as he's motorvated every team he's ever been on to many wins.

No matter what you've read or heard, they never wanted to leave St. Louis, a place where they won together. A place where they were once showered with sea-of-red adoration together. But stuff happens. And it sure did happen to them.

Stuff does indeed happen, Jayson.

So now here they are, bound for the left side of the infield in a city north of the border. Here they are, about to become the first two infielders to transplant themselves into some other team's infield, within two years of starting at least 80 games for a World Series champion, since Bill White and Dick Groat went from the Cardinals to the Phillies in 1966.

Classic Stark.

Here they are, in their blue jerseys and blue caps -- not even a red sweatsock in sight. And it sure is fascinating that their new employers don't seem the least bit interested in the events that propelled them toward their awkward exits from St. Louis.

Not just a regular sock, ladies and gentlemen, but not even a red SWEAT sock is visible.

"Those two guys exemplify what we want to be," Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi says. "That's why they're better fits for us. They're grinders, and they're dirtbags. Not that the guys we had before weren't. But that might be the one piece we were missing, from the standpoint of getting in there with the Red Sox and Yankees and just grinding it out from a day-to-day standpoint."

In nearly every profession in America, being called a "dirtbag" is a pretty bad thing. Yet, in some strange fashion, Ricciardi seems to be using it as an endearing term. Strange.

Do not fear, AL East fans. The Blue Jays are in the hands of a man who thinks that the difference between his team and the Red Sox/Yankees juggernauts is a lack of grinding it out on a day-to-day standpoint.

"Just the style of these two guys is something we needed," manager John Gibbons says. "It's not like either of them are such great players that everything comes so easy to them; they're cruisers. They both get down and dirty. And teams that win always have their share of those guys. I think we needed more of that."

What? I would think that if they had to work hard at certain things, they would be the opposite of cruisers! I think of "cruisers" as players who are :

1. So good at baseball they seem to cruise their way to ridiculous statistics every year with little effort (see Pujols, Albert and Rodriguez, Alex)
-or-
2. Very average at baseball but have the happy disposition that makes them just cruise through the clubhouse, because nobody is really jealous of their skills and their MVPs. (see Casey, Sean).

OK, maybe these guys are cruiser #2. Also, I like how John Gibbons gives them a nasty backhanded compliment: they're not so good ... they have to work hard!

Once, their old team said the same stuff about these two men. And it was all true. The fit was perfect, for both of them. They played on a 100-win team together in 2005. They played on a team that won the World Series in 2006. Eckstein was a World Series MVP. Rolen ripped off a 10-game postseason hitting streak.

I like how Stark uses these gaudy stats to describe how these two men had such successful careers. I like how they pleasantly obscure the fact that, in the last three seasons, those two gentlemen put together one combined season in which they OPS+'d over the league average.

That's how "stats" are "good". They can make a way for a pretty below average player seem like the best player in baseball.

There's a bunch of other crap about Rolen fighting with LaRussa and Eckstein being small. But that's the worst of it. I hope that my boss never tells me I'm not too good at my job, but he likes how I grind my way through the work day.

David Ortiz to the Hall of Fame? Maybe the ESPN Hall of Fame

Tom Verducci examines David Ortiz's HOF chances. Rather poorly if I say so myself

When Edgar Martinez appears on the Hall of Fame ballot after the 2009 season, Boston designated hitter David Ortiz might be watching the election results closely. Ortiz, like Martinez, was a relative late-bloomer in the majors who became a dominant hitter with no significant defensive component to his game. Neither gained full-time status early enough in the majors to accumulate traditionally "magic" lifetime numbers, such as hits, home runs and RBIs. But both men were universally respected by their peers to be among the very best pure hitters of their era.

Things Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz have in common:

-played in the AL their whole careers
-Were DH's
-Both became good players around the age of 27

Things Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz DO NOT have in common:

-being relatively late bloomers--that is, Edgar Martinez's first full season in the majors saw him put up an OPS+ or 132. Ortiz's first full season saw him put up an OPS+ of 101
-the kind of hitter they were:

Ortiz (as Verducci will later explain) is not likely to play much more than 3-5 years. That would put his number of years at peak performance at about 8-10. Martinez had about 14 years putting up All-Star caliber numbers (all-star used as a very general measurement and not a criterion for the HOF, nb): 1990-2003

Ortiz's 162 game AVG (not a perfect measure of a player, but close enough): 36 HR/120 RBI/
Martinez's 162 game AVG : 24 HR/99 RBI/

Martinez's career HR in 18 seasons (15 of them full seasons): 309
Ortiz's career HR in 11 seasons (8 of them full): 266

Why are we comparing these guys again?

Look--I get it--DH is a nebulous position for the HOF. Voters don't tend to like DH's. Ortiz and Martinez are both DH's and Martinez comes up for eligibility this year which makes it timely to compare the two. But here's the thing: THEY WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLAYERS. Ortiz is a guy who had 5 incredible seasons of power and production while Martinez was a guy who put up consistently excellent but by no means breathtaking numbers for a long long time. A better comparison to Ortiz would be Frank Thomas, Jim Thome, Carlos Delgado, or any number of one-dimensional power-hitting studs. Instead we get the lazy no-brain choice...for an entire article.

thought about Martinez, Ortiz, DHs and the Hall of Fame the other day after I sat down with Ortiz at his makeshift breakfast table in the middle of the Red Sox clubhouse.


?.........?

Ortiz hacked away at a plastic bowl filled with granola and a paper plate stressed by almost a dozen hard-boiled eggs, of which Ortiz ate only the whites.

Health! What a paragon of athleticism. And yet, so irrelevant to the article!


Bland? Given Ortiz's lack of enthusiasm for his morning gruel, you could probably find more satisfied diners at the Guantanamo Bay mess hall.

It's amateur-hour at the short-bus school. And yet to a certain extent, this is interesting insofar as it gives us insight to the kind of guy who would latch on to the mere fact that Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz played similar, non-old-timey position as proof positive that one is the HOF-barometer for the other.

"Boring," Ortiz complained. "But this is what I have to do. You don't get better as you get older in your career. It's not natural to have your best years late in your career. So I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep my body feeling good for as long as I can."

Ortiz is 32 years old. He has started to think about retirement. No, Sox fans, he's not ready to pack it in any time soon. But Ortiz has reached a point where he is beginning to think about the end.

"What I don't want to do," Ortiz said, "is just play for the sake of playing. If I can't hit at a high level, I won't play, and I know there comes a point where my body won't be able to do that."

Ortiz is signed through 2010 and the Red Sox hold a rather affordable option for 2011 at $12.5 million. He will turn 36 after that 2011 season. And then?

In other words, Ortiz will probably remain a superstar for about 3-5 more years. Which will give him 8-10 years of being a superstar, about 450 HR and an iffy chance at the HOF. I guess he's like Martinez in more ways than I gave Verducci credit for...

I'm going to skip some of the pap. Here's the part that pissed me off the most (beside the Martinez/Ortiz comparison)

Those questions [i.e. whether Ortiz and, say, Thome according to Verducci should be considered HOF locks] come from a voter who has a decided bias against DHs. They are specialists, not complete ballplayers. That doesn't mean they can't be Hall of Famers, but they better be extraordinary at their specialty because they contribute nothing to half the game. Think closers and field-goal kickers.

Ok....there's nothing necessarily wrong with this general sentiment--I would expect closers and DH to be held to higher rigor than gold-glove position players and starting pitchers. However, this isn't really an issue because middling DH's and closers don't really even come up for debate. Where is the Jim Rice of closers being discussed for the HOF? The only current closers anyone thinks has a chance to make the HOF right now are Rivera and Hoffman (and maybe Smoltz, but he's a SP too). Does ANYONE have any doubt in their mind those two will make it? Edgar Martinez is the only DH I've ever heard of whose #'s wouldn't be a no-brainer as a position player, and he won't make it--BECAUSE HIS NUMBERS AREN'T EVEN GOOD FOR A POSITION PLAYER.

This is so overblown--there are no Ryne Sandberg's or Bert Blyleven (one day, hopefully) being considered seriously at closer or DH. Only superstars--Frank Thomas, Jim Thome, David Ortiz, Trevor Hoffman, Mariano Rivera. Guys whose numbers are insane. Guys who are "guys you would buy tickets to go see play".

Ugh. Oh and field goal kickers? Closer~Field Goal Kicker? I guess NFL teams are paying their field goal kickers bank to make those field goals....right? I guess NFL teams play theme songs like Hells Bells when Nate Kaeding comes out to chip in a 30 yarders. I've EVER seen a dude wearing Adam Vinateiri (the most famous Kicker in NFL)'s jersey.

Closer? Heck, if I'm being generous a kicker is the equivalent to a mop-up reliever. If I'm being realistic a late-inning defensive replacement.

Oh and just one more thing:

Finally, there's the completely unscientific test: give me your five best hitters in baseball. You don't have to crunch the numbers on this one. Just tell me the five guys who you think are the best in the business at squaring up a baseball. If you didn't have Ortiz on that short list in any of the past four seasons, I'd have to question what you've been eating for breakfast.

1. Albert Pujols

2. Barry Bonds

3. Alex Rodriguez

4. Manny Ramirez

5. Travis Hafner

Fuck you Verducci