You know, for being such a pretentious know-it-all snob, Gregg is incredibly anti-intellectual. A lot of his analysis comes down to "The people who make their living playing/coaching/managing sports are complete idiots! Only I have the recipe for success, and it more or less comes down to putting no thought whatsoever into the way you play/coach/manage." This bit is a great example. "You might read some draft analysis that says the Browns are in the market for a QB. DON'T BELIEVE IT! The reality is that everyone needs everything! Trust me, I'm smart." I think I have made this pretty clear: I find draft analysis to be insufferably tedious and obnoxious. So you know that if I'm defending the usefulness of draft analysis, Gregggggg must really be acting like a major league butthole.
Those thumbnails of team draft needs? Each one should read, "Needs: QB, RB, FB, WR, TE, OT, OG, C, DE, DT, ILB, OLB, CB, FS, SS, P, K, RS, SPT."
Between the size of NFL rosters, injury risk and salary cap turnover, even the best teams annually seek reinforcements at nearly every position.
How fascinating! One might even say that the Ravens have needs at the positions those guys play, but lesser or non-existent needs at other positions, like QB and RB.
What NFL team is totally set at quarterback?
Shut the fuck up.
Annually, even winning NFL teams look to replace many players based on injury, age, the salary cap and the endless search for better performance. So ignore those "team needs" breakdowns.
NEVER BLITZ! NEVER PUNT! WHEN YOU'RE AHEAD, RUN UP THE MIDDLE FOR NO GAIN UNTIL THE GAME ENDS! DON'T DRAFT FOR NEED! SIT BACK AND WATCH THE LOMBARDI TROPHIES PILE UP!
Draft time means such nonsense as NFL scouts and sports radio obsessing over hundredths of seconds.
Watch out, Andy Kaufman!
For a decade, one entry on my mock of mock drafts annually read, "Los Angeles Clippers, projected trade. It makes no difference whom the Clippers draft, and it never will." Now the Clips have won their division, besting the cost-no-object Lakers. Didn't see that coming!
1. Kansas City. Carl Brewer, mayor, Wichita, Kan. Wichita State made the men's Final Four while the mega-hyped University of Kansas team watched at home.
2. Jacksonville. Errol Flynn, actor. The only person whose mustache is more recognizable than the mustache of Jags owner Shahid Khan.
More outdated than "Godfrey Daniel!"?
3. Oakland. Lindsay Lohan, former actress. If she did her court-ordered rehab at the Raiders' minicamps, at least the judge would know where she was.
Not to be outdone by Reilly, here's Gregg with an awesome Lohan reference of his own.
4. Philadelphia. Vera Wang, couturier. Already redesigning the micro-fashions of the Eagles cheer-babes, Wang could add an Oregon Ducks look to Eagles' players. Say, 16 different helmet-and-jersey color combinations involving mint, aureolin and vermilion.
Does he think that's a joke?
5. Detroit. Theo Tonin, imaginary mobster. Leader of the Detroit mob, Tonin is the Big Bad of the hit series "Justified." Considering the condition of the Detroit economy, it's hard to see why mobsters would focus on that city.
6. Cleveland. Randy Newman, composer. He just made Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite not performing rock.
Again, like the Vera Wang thing, not sure if the angle here is comedy, but I doubt it could be anything else.
7. Arizona. Hanna Barbaric, Surly Gurlies. She has the best pun name in the Arizona Roller Derby -- think Flintstones. The listless Cardinals could use some roller derby spirit.
Wichita spirit! Roller derby spirit! That's what bad teams need, more spirit! And an equal amount of help at every position!
9. Jersey/B. Rex Harrison, actor. He could rep in for Rex Ryan and belt out "I Could Have Blitzed All Night."
Errol Flynn's favorite tune!
11. San Diego. A 110-yard field. New head coach Mike McCoy, a former quarterback for the Calgary Stampeders, hopes to surprise opponents by using CFL rules.
Now there's a blurb that is definitely a wretched joke. No doubt about it that time.
13. Jersey/B. Julie Andrews, Dame. She could join Harrison in belting out a variation on "The Rain in Spain" with new lyrics including, "The passes by Sanchez fall mainly on the ground."
17. Pittsburgh. Bruce Arians, head coach, Cardinals. Needing someone to scapegoat for their playoff loss at Denver, the Steelers cashiered offensive coordinator Arians -- who went on to a fantastic season as a fill-in coach at the Colts, then the top job at Arizona.
Yes, one whole season later, they have yet to return. A Cubs championship-like drought to be sure. I mean, fuck the Steelers, but fuck Gregg more than that.
18. Dallas. Undercover Brother, golf cart driver. Things go better if someone is actually driving the golf cart.
Well the joke is horrible and nonsensical, but that video will never not be funny, so points to him for that. I'm surprised.
25. Washington Wizards (from Vikings, projected trade). It makes absolutely no difference whom the Wizards draft, and it never will.
I hope the Wizards go 82-0 next season.
In 2008, Whizzies management gave Gilbert Arenas a super-lavish guaranteed contract, then almost immediately began desperately trying to unload Arenas' deal. In the NBA offseason, watch for Whizzies management to give John Wall a super-lavish guaranteed contract, then almost immediately begin desperately trying to unload Wall's deal.
Probably won't happen, because Arenas was a 26 year old one dimensional shooting guard when he got his deal, and Wall is a 22 year old point guard who can score and distribute and has much more athleticism and raw talent than Arenas ever did. Gregggggg is not wrong to dump on Wizards management, because Ernie Grunfield is a certified dumbass, but Wall is legitimately good.
26. Green Bay. Kevin Minter, linebacker, LSU. Possible actual choice thrown in for variety.
/sitcom laugh track
27. Houston. A komodo dragon. These reptiles really bring it, unlike the Texans in their playoff wheeze-out.
"I want to write my annual 'mock the mock drafts' column... better find a way to work in this link about komodo dragons. Hmmm." /sniffs own fart
29. New England. Dorian Gray, gothic antihero. Tom Brady is the sole player remaining on the Patriots' roster from the 2002 Super Bowl win. Everyone else has limped away: Brady seems strangely youthful. Could there be a painting hidden in his moated California estate that is aging instead of him?
31. San Francisco. Ivan Pavlov, physiologist. He will attach electric contacts to Jim Harbaugh and administer a shock whenever Harbaugh fails to call runs at the goal line. By their next Super Bowl appearance, the Forty Niners will be ready to win.
The real problem during the last San Francisco drive in the Super Bowl was the Jim Harbaugh was wearing a coat.
32. Baltimore. Anquan Boldin, wide receiver. The Ravens may regret unloading this gentleman for a mere sixth-round draft choice. In the 2013 postseason, Boldin caught passes totaling 380 yards and four touchdowns. But he's 32 years old, get rid of the bum! Expect the football gods to wax wroth against the defending champions.
YES, VERILY THEY WILL WAX WROTH! Keep in mind that Boldin, if retained, would have been both high drafted AND a megabucks glory boy. Good move to unload him.
Freeze! Keep That Script Where I Can See It! The Timothy Olyphant crime show "Justified" just wrapped its fourth season with deputy U.S. marshal Raylan Givens, the protagonist, having shot and killed at least 20 bad guys during the brief span of the series -- likely more bad guys than killed by all current actual U.S. marshals combined. "Justified" is offbeat and entertaining,
"Justified" is praised for gritty realism:
My God! Somebody think of the children! Contact the FCC and get this abomination off the air! How dare the director choose to not show Givens driving for 3 hours every time he goes from Lexington to Harlan County!
Givens makes regular trips to a maximum-security penitentiary that is -- where?
This is starting to remind me of Keith Law's review of Moneyball. Keith Law is a dipshit, by the way. Not sure I've mentioned that in the last few months so there's your reminder.
Of course time sense and travel distance often are distorted on television.
No wonder Revolution got such shitty ratings. You could probably practically hear remote controls around the country being picked up when that horrible gaffe was revealed.
But since "Justified" strives for authenticity,
At this point I'm out of snark and am just going to let him ramble. Scroll through as you see fit.
Raylan needs to stall for 30 minutes because, viewers are told, "six Kentucky State Police cruisers are on their way" but cannot reach the town for half an hour. Is there really any location in Kentucky that has a high school but is 30 minutes from the nearest police car?
In the climactic sequence of "Skyfall," Bond rescues M in London, hops into his antique Aston Martin and drives to the Bond family castle in Scotland, there to make a last stand against the cackling super-villain. Scotland is a 450-mile drive from London. During the many hours Bond motors north toward the land of Scots, MI6 never sends backup to the castle, nor simply orders police to assist in protecting the head of a major British government agency. It seems all law enforcement officers in the entire United Kingdom have vanished. Maybe they were on their way to Kentucky!
The first season of "Justified" offered episodes in which actual Marshals Service activity was depicted. Then the semi-indie movie "Winter's Bone" -- launching pad for actress Jennifer Lawrence -- was released to acclaim for its depiction of modern hillbillies. "Justified" shifted toward the movie's aesthetic. Since "Winter's Bone," "Justified" has presented the Marshals Service as intently concerned with investigating rural drug dealing. This is a worrisome crime, but not one the agency has jurisdiction over. Protecting judges and courthouses, primary mission of the Marshals Service, has vanished from the show.
Season 4 of "Justified" depicts the events of about two weeks. In that short period, Raylan kills a fugitive who murdered Raylan's former lover; catches several other fugitives; exposes a corrupt FBI agent; rescues a kidnapped woman while killing the kidnapper; rescues a kidnapped woman while killing three kidnappers; is beaten by a thug and shot with a beanbag shotgun; is captured by hillbillies; kills a mob hit man by winning a fast-draw situation; arranges the death of a mob underboss by luring him into a trap set by a rival; has sex with two incredibly attractive women; finds and rescues a man whose foot is cut off; claims his father's body for burial; and locates a man whom law enforcement and the mob have been chasing for 30 years. That's some two weeks!
Can you imagine how little joy and fun this man gets out of life? Living with him must be insufferable. I don't wish ill on the man (other than that he be fired from ESPN), but seriously, what a depressing existence he must lead. I kind of feel bad for all these posts at this point.
Absurd Specificity Watch: Americans seem to love hyperbolic claims of precision -- perhaps it makes us feel that science is more efficient than it really is.
Oh, how we all shall cackle at the idea of being turned into Mr. Spock! What the fuck? TMQ just stinks. It really does. I'm going back to Simmons.