Sunday, October 28, 2012

Ah, just got our annual "Joe Buck makes winning the World Series sound like winning on a Tuesday night in April" call out of the way

Kind of like a visit to the dentist or your parole officer, listening to Joe call the final out of the WS is something that isn't pleasant but has to be done every so often.  I muted my TV from about the 5th inning onwards so I actually don't even know what he said as Cabrera struck out.  I can just be pretty sure that it was awful.

Anyways, you know who's worse than Simmons?  Someone who scored a gig at Grantland solely because they're in Simmons's posse.  This has probably existed since last year, but I just stumbled into Cousin Sal's weekly prop bet column for the first time.  His jokes make Gregggggggggg's sound like they were written by Chris Rock.  But before he gets to those (and boy howdy does he ever get to them), he offers actual gambling advice.  It's pretty good.  Unfortunately that's only about 1/3 of the column.

Patriots/Rams will score in the first six minutes 

Nailed that one.

Falcons/Eagles longest touchdown over 44.5 yards

Nailed that one.

Giants to score over 25 points vs. the Cowboys

Nailed that one.

Brees 4/1 and Peyton Manning 5/1 to have the most passing yards on Sunday

Wrong, but anyone who bet on Tony Romo is either a Cowboys fan or a bad, lucky gambler.  (I'm comfortable assuming that no QB in the Niners/Cardinals MNF game is going to crack 400 yards.  Or 250.)  And it's all downhill from here--the following "bets" have little one or two sentence "explanations" that will make your already severe douchechills even douchechillier.  I didn't include those explanations.  You're welcome.

Over/under 16.5: Dislocated braids suffered by RG3 this Sunday vs. the head-hunting Steelers defense

lol he has braids

30/1: Odds that while visiting London, Tom Brady makes a sex tape with Pippa Middleton


Honey Badger +3.5 lifetime drug arrests over Honey Boo Boo


Over/under 3.5 million: 7-year-old girls will tune in to this Sunday's Dolphins/Jets game


Over/under 3.5: Baseball fans who actually recognize ANY of the sitcom stars of whom Fox shows crowd cutaways during their World Series telecast


9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10: How much I’m enjoying my “There will be under 1.5 extra-inning World Series games” wager

As much navel-gazing as in a Simmons column, but with actual useful gambling advice!

2/1: Odds the person responsible for telling Ozzie Guillen he was fired was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time

Jesus Fucking Shitballs.  I'm not sure what level of comedy I expected, but this man has the comedic chops of a nun.

Cousin Sal Iacono (@TheCousinSal) is a writer/performer for Jimmy Kimmel Live

You've got to be fucking kidding me.


BR said...

Cousin Sal is about as funny as Simmons which means there are several people at your job who are funnier than the two of them put together. I believe he is there so Simmons can remind everone that he was a writer for Jimmy Kimmel for awhile, a truly multitalented human being.

Unless you are going to Vegas to bet, where can anyone get down on these props? Last week there was a huge multistate bust of people acting as agents for offshore books like Pinnacle Sports and therefore illegal for US residents under the UIEGA. Your friendly neighborhood bookmaker dealing football wouldn't put up these props except maybe for the Superbowl. My point here is this column is just an exercise in typical Simmons/Sal mental masturbation and ego massage.

Did you notice on Grantland, Simmons has a two part NBA season wins podcast with Joe House. As far as I can tell House is a friend from college who qualifies as an expert cause he licks Simmons balls ala Jack O.

BR said...

Should have typed UIGEA, Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. I feel inferior now like Jim Leyland.

Larry B said...

Your point about these props not being available to the vast vast majority of gamblers is a good one. As someone who is too dumb to bet on sports I hadn't considered that angle.

Adam said...

Formula for Joe Buck final out of the World Series calls:

...and [Insert Team] have won the World Series...

How much more generic can it get?