Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Gonna try to go after this Simmons NBA playoffs/The Wire article

Let's see how far I get. Hooooooo boy.


/inhales

/exhales

/stares at screen

/gets up, puts off doing this by going to Taco Bell

/sits back down

Holy balls do I hate this man's writing.

I need to get the 2011 NBA playoffs a gift.

No you don't. You need to write more than one article every four months and stop being besties with Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman, the only two pop writers I can think of who are more worthless than you are.

It can't wear jewelry, it can't drive a car, it doesn't need clothes or trophies.

Who gives a trophy as as gift?

Hmmmm. What about honoring it with the greatest television drama of all time?

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT SHOW I LIKE? THE WIRE. THAT MAKES ME SMARTER THAN MOST PEOPLE. IF YOU LIKE THE WIRE IT'S YOUR JOB TO TELL EVERYONE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT SO THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMART.

(Disclaimer: I love The Wire. I've watched the whole series all the way through four times. Guess what I don't need to do? Tell people about it all the fucking time. Second disclaimer: Big Daddy Drew did a much more thorough takedown of loudmouthed self-important Wire fans on Deadspin a week ago or so. Go read it, it's inspiring.)

Now here's where you say, "'The Wire?' That show had bad language! A lot of it!

Who gives a shit about profanity? Parents. And so it seems that Bill has decided his audience is definitely parents (or perhaps ABC/Disney has ordered it to be the case). This confirms my suspicions.

Actually, that show reinvented how to say certain swear words! You can't do this! You're going to get fired!"

Hopefully!

Nope. We have to do it.

SO EVERYONE CAN BASK IN MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME THAT ONLY SMART PEOPLE WATCHED.

One of the show's best traits was its language -- it stayed true to the city and itself, never worrying about things like, "We might be turning off potential viewers" and "It's going to be much harder to syndicate the show unless we cool it a little."

Sort of like every single other original series HBO has ever or will ever run.

Four years later, as I sifted through quote pages and YouTube clips to assemble the quotes below, it was like looking through an old scrapbook from a vacation I loved. So yeah, some of the language you're about to read is a little harsh. But so was the show. For the purposes of this column, we're going to use some carefully placed asterisks to soften the words as much as we can. If you can't handle it, stop reading right now.

Jesus shitballs, is this being published by ESPN or Family Circle? Enough with the disclaimers. Just get to the fucking article already.

Without further ado, 65 of my favorite Wire quotes handed out as awards for the first two-plus weeks of the 2011 NBA playoffs.

Not at all a contrived, awkward, or idiotic premise for an article.

1. "The game done changed."
2. "Game's the same, just got more fierce."

To what else ... Round 1! Talent comes in waves, for whatever reason, and we're riding one along the lines of the one Swayze suicidally tried to surf at the end of "Point Break." You're usually stuck with three or four turds in Round 1, or as they're more commonly known, "The NBA TV Teams." Not this time around.

Or as they're more commonly known, "the Eastern Conference quarterfinals." Don't expect Bill to ever mention the sizable talent disparity between the two conferences that existed virtually every single year for the past decade, probably because his favorite team (as long as they're winning and not about to draft Yi Jianlian) plays in the east. But the one time a year he writes about baseball, get ready for it: WOW WHY DON'T THEY JUST RELEGATE THE WHOLE NATIONAL LEAGUE TO DOUBLE-A?!?! TO MY FRIENDS AND I IN OUR AL KEEPER LEAGUE, THE NL IS ABOUT AS INTERESTING AS PROFESSIONAL CHESS. BLAH BLAH BLAH MEANINGLESS OVERSTATED LEAGUE-BASED ELITISM BLAH BLAH BLAH

Obviously I cannot get over that. Wait, what were we just talking about?

Our only sweep (Celtics-Knicks) featured two riveting games in Boston, including Melo's sublime 42-17 in Game 2 that reminded everyone, "That's why you trade five dudes for Carmelo Anthony."

And the series which reminded everyone, "Oh shit, that's what happens when your team has two superstars complemented by a bunch of complete scrubs (and Chauncey Billups in a full body cast), and then you run into a good defensive team." Obviously the jury is still out on that trade but it's looking like the Knicks probably shat the bed. Anthony Carter played a ton of meaningful minutes in that series. That's all you need to know about whether or not it was a great trade for New York and where their depth stands as of now. But Bill said when the trade happened that it was a brilliant gambit and he's sticking to his story. Good for him. I eagerly await watching him sweep it under the rug when the Knicks go 42-40 and get blown out in the first round again next year.

Pacers-Bulls and Sixers-Heat ended prematurely but earned Duke The Trainer Memorial, "They don't think it's a damned show, they think it's a damned fight!" status.

The Sixers really didn't play that well. That series was definitely a snoozer.

Zombies-Nuggets had a Hagler-Hearns pace -- both teams came out swinging and never stopped. Lakers-Hornets and Blazers-Mavs featured a few dramatic twists on par with D'Angelo getting murdered

No. No no no. This is instance 1 out of probably 100 in this article with the following problem- what happened during an NBA playoff game has nothing to do with a character in a TV drama getting murdered in jail on the orders of his friend. Nothing. You can't equate the two unless the real life playoff event involves a Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan incident in the locker room tunnel or something. And that's why this article is a big pile of hot garbage.

before fizzling out in Game 6. Hawks-Magic gave us our mandatory Round 1 upset, laid the groundwork for Dwight Howard fleeing Orlando and broke the NBA TV curse.

Orlando and Atlanta aren't "NBA TV teams" because they're not good. They're NBA TV teams because they don't have legions of diptard bandwagon fans all over the country falling over themselves to point out that they've been a Celtics/Lakers fan for at least 3 years now.

And Spurs-Grizzlies ranks among the best Round 1s ever.

No.

Last Wednesday, my friend Whitlock texted me

BWAH HAHA YOU TEXT WITH WHITLOCK

BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Oh man, that's great stuff. How fitting. Of course you are. The two shitty blowhard self-important sportswriters most eager to point out to their readers that they enjoy The Wire are buddies. Duh. OF COURSE.

just to say, "these NBA playoffs have been one of the best experiences of my sporting life." We hadn't even had a Game 6 yet!!!

That proves one of two things: either that first round really was the greatest thing since sex, or Whitlock is a hyperbole-spewing idiot. Hmmmmmm. It's 50/50, really. I'm a big NBA fan and not much of an NHL fan and yet even I can admit that the latter are upstaging the former right now. However, as Chris Wong so often notes, the NBA playoffs have the advantage of being spread out over a longer period of time. So it's pretty likely they'll end up being more fun and more exciting when the dust settles and the two champions are crowned. For now it's a heated competition though.

Well, there's your answer as to how far I'd get: through 2 quotes (of a possible 65). Damn. Almost made it. This is like that time Frank Sobokta met with the Greek and his henchmen down by the docks just as the Greek's mole uncovered that Frank had started snitching! Oh wait, no, it's not like that at all.

13 comments:

Chris W said...

I like Klosterman a lot, except when he's overrating things from the 70's (like Abba) or the 80's (like Motley Crue) or the early 90's (Pearl Jam) or talking about sports (Because he knows jack shit about sports except for the names of several Celtics and Lakers from the 80's). I suspect that when he talks to Simmons that's all they discuss.

Chris W said...

Also, sweet Sobotka spoiler, dick. I hope no one in this blog's audience had ever hoped to watch the sublimely underrated season 2! (aren't I smart to be so smart about The Wire that I know which seasons are underrated even by the incredibly genius audience of The Wire?)

PS: I bet Season 3 is Whitlock's favorite. And I bet Season 5 is Simmons's.

Chris W said...

Also: except for the Fuck Fuck Fuckety Fuck scene I've never heard The Wire's profanity mentioned as anything worth remarking on. Do they say the F-word? Sure, but a lot less than The Sopranos. Another HBO show is famous for reinvigorating a particularly bad umpire-baiting word (Deadwood). But The Wire? No one talks about the profanity, because there's no more profanity in it than in the average Spike Lee Joint (like, say, Clockers, by The Wire genius Richard Price). What's the only word they say that no other show says regularly? I'll give you a hint: it starts with an "N" and no one who uses it on the show besides Bill Rawls or Niko Sobotka would consider it a curse word.

I bet Bill gets a vicarious thrill through its use though, because he's a dirtball Boston secret-racist. Which is why he thinks of the show's language as a guilty pleasure.

Fuck Bill Simmons and fuck Larry B for not bothering to discuss this incredibly salient point because he was too busy watching The Daily Show and listening to Lady Gaga with Floyd Mayweather, JR.

YOU'RE ON BLAST LARRY B

Anonymous said...

Here's what I don't understand, how is a 5 seed beating a 4 the "mandatory upset" when an 8 seed beat a 1?

Wouldn't it make more sense to call the "this has happened four times in the history of the league" the upset, and the 4-5 series what it was? A one man army versus a mediocre team?

For the record, since 1984, the 5 seed has won more first round series than the 4 seed, so it's not even an upset, it's actually pretty par for the course.

christopher said...

Wow, you guys need to find a life that doesn't revolve around other people. Criticizing others original works is one of the least original things I can think of. Grow up gentleman, find some happiness in your own lives and my guess is you won't be so angry.

CHart said...

Hey christopher, your name sucks balls.

Anonymous said...

I just happened upon this site when looking up Jay Mariotti info and saw this critique of Simmons and thought I'd chime in.

I've been a Simmons reader since his early days at Digital City Boston. At one time his articles were MUST READ stuff. But the past few years have seen him turn from his bread and butter (his column writing) to weak podcasts with his cadre of hangers-on who either add nothing to the table or take something away from the table (I'm looking at you "cousin Sal" you useless bag of fertilizer). He occasionally has an interesting guest like Matt stone but mostly they're circle jerk yuk fests. In the past year I don't think I've even bothered to check in with him because his contributions have become THAT reliably useless.

Adam said...

I do like Simmons early stuff as well. He actually had some original and interesting thoughts. And he was actually funny! Now he is just cranking out lame content that ties to together as much pop culture and sports as possible without making any sense. Perfect for ESPN really.

Biggus Rickus said...

I didn't read Simmons early stuff and only encounter it now when it's being mocked. But is it possible he was always kind of shitty and is only remembered fondly by some because he was an internet pioneer who was irreverant compared to traditional media writers of the time? Or did his success just turn him into a douchebag?

Chris W said...

War christopher putting it all in perspective!

Now I realize this blog that has maybe one post every week or so by a different staff-writer is clearly a display of how ravenously obsessed we all are with never thinking about anything but the sportswriters mentioned in this blog's maybe once a week posts!

Anonymous said...

"Big Daddy Drew did a much more thorough takedown of loudmouthed self-important Wire fans on Deadspin a week ago or so."

Where is this? I've been searching for it at Deadspin, but I can't find it. It sounds great.

Anonymous said...

agreed, where is the article from deadspin?

kp said...

Actually shorter than I was thinking when I originally wrote this post- it's just one blurb in here:

http://deadspin.com/5796652/its-only-a-matter-of-time-before-an-nfl-teams-financials-are-leaked

His point stands though.