Let's see how far I get. Hooooooo boy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
/stares at screen
/gets up, puts off doing this by going to Taco Bell
/sits back down
Holy balls do I hate this man's writing.
I need to get the 2011 NBA playoffs a gift.
No you don't. You need to write more than one article every four months and stop being besties with Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman, the only two pop writers I can think of who are more worthless than you are.
It can't wear jewelry, it can't drive a car, it doesn't need clothes or trophies.
Who gives a trophy as as gift?
Hmmmm. What about honoring it with the greatest television drama of all time?
HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT SHOW I LIKE? THE WIRE. THAT MAKES ME SMARTER THAN MOST PEOPLE. IF YOU LIKE THE WIRE IT'S YOUR JOB TO TELL EVERYONE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT SO THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMART.
(Disclaimer: I love The Wire. I've watched the whole series all the way through four times. Guess what I don't need to do? Tell people about it all the fucking time. Second disclaimer: Big Daddy Drew did a much more thorough takedown of loudmouthed self-important Wire fans on Deadspin a week ago or so. Go read it, it's inspiring.)
Now here's where you say, "'The Wire?' That show had bad language! A lot of it!
Who gives a shit about profanity? Parents. And so it seems that Bill has decided his audience is definitely parents (or perhaps ABC/Disney has ordered it to be the case). This confirms my suspicions.
Actually, that show reinvented how to say certain swear words! You can't do this! You're going to get fired!"
Nope. We have to do it.
SO EVERYONE CAN BASK IN MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME THAT ONLY SMART PEOPLE WATCHED.
One of the show's best traits was its language -- it stayed true to the city and itself, never worrying about things like, "We might be turning off potential viewers" and "It's going to be much harder to syndicate the show unless we cool it a little."
Sort of like every single other original series HBO has ever or will ever run.
Four years later, as I sifted through quote pages and YouTube clips to assemble the quotes below, it was like looking through an old scrapbook from a vacation I loved. So yeah, some of the language you're about to read is a little harsh. But so was the show. For the purposes of this column, we're going to use some carefully placed asterisks to soften the words as much as we can. If you can't handle it, stop reading right now.
Jesus shitballs, is this being published by ESPN or Family Circle? Enough with the disclaimers. Just get to the fucking article already.
Without further ado, 65 of my favorite Wire quotes handed out as awards for the first two-plus weeks of the 2011 NBA playoffs.
Not at all a contrived, awkward, or idiotic premise for an article.