Bud Selig is a Naive Moron

I guess in preparation for my fair town hosting the All Star Game, St. Louis Post Dispatch writer Rick Hummel got to talk to Bud Selig. He proves he can hold a grudge, can't answer direct questions, and that he is a guiding light for naive morons everywhere.

Bonus FJM Drinking Game: Everytime you read to word "eliminated," take a drink.

My first problem with this article was that the headline to it is "Baseball prospers under Bud Selig." It

(1) has nothing to do with the article, and
(2) is wrong.

I'm not picking on this because a capitalization weary Larry B showed us that the writer does not write his headlines. (Larry also showed us his gmail address, his lack of a good internet browser, his problem with spam, and lack of labels. What an unorganized schmuck!) Now onto the fireworks.

As a Milwaukee Braves fan in 1956, he still laments the two catches a nondescript Cardinals outfielder named Bobby Del Greco made on a Saturday night in St. Louis to cost the Braves what would be their first pennant.

"We lose 2-1 and Bobby Del Greco makes two catches he couldn't make again if his life depended on it," said Selig. "I was mad at him that night. I didn't sleep — and I'm still mad at him."

To which Selig writes a note: "Have Del Greco eliminated." Unlike Joe Morgan's stories, this one is actually true.

Q: Do you worry about the impact the recession will have on baseball?

A: I worried about it last fall, no question about it. I used to think that in some of the previous recessions that baseball was recession-proof. But not this one. So far, while advertising sales are down and clubs have had some trouble with sponsorships, our attendance is down between four and five percent, which is remarkably good.

Baseball does not prosper under Selig, it just doesn't implode. I seem to remember seeing that another league had attendance go up this past season. I realize there's a big difference in selling tickets to 80+ games in stadiums that seat 40,000+ fans compared to 40+ games in arenas that might seat 20,000, among many other financial differences between the ticketing systems in both leagues. Let me gloat about hockey for one paragraph, and then back to shitting all over it once the preseason starts in September.

Q: When you hear the names of Rodriguez, Ramirez and Sosa linked to performance-enhancing drugs, how does that make you feel?

A: All it proves is that our program is working and nobody is above the law. I'm the only commissioner of any sport who ever called on an outsider, George Mitchell, to do a study of the sports. He made 20 recommendations and we adopted every one of them. This is a subject of collective bargaining. It cannot be unilaterally implemented. When I could do it, I did it. We've toughened our program three times, had the Mitchell investigation. I'm proud of what baseball has done. … Anybody who's still living in the '90s, who said we should have done something, well, I can't talk to them. But it's easy, in the retrospect of history, to be very smart 11 years later. I'm very protective of the image of the sport. Sure, do I wish it hadn't happened? Of course, I do. Do I worry about it? Of course, I do. But I'm proud of our players. I've had players call me and tell me, 'No, everybody didn't do it. Most of us didn't do it. And that's unfair.' And I do think some members of the media have not only overreacted, they've overreacted without any facts.

Surprisingly, Selig's answer wasn't "Feelings only make you weak," followed by ripping the heart out of Rick Hummel, eating the still beating organ and then checking his stock portfolio on Fox Business Channel. Instead, his answer is to a question that wasn't asked and it takes an unnecessarily defensive stance on what was/is? a problem. If you totally ignore the problem, only losers will talk about it. Who cares what losers say anyways? They aren't with the time, those losers. And to any of you lameoids still living in the 90's, stop ruining baseball with your positive drug tests in 2001-present.

Q: Would you be in favor of the list of other 103 players who tested positive in 2003 being released?

A: There was a list that was supposed to be eliminated.

The list or the players on it?

That was the agreement, in all fairness. It wasn't, for some reason, as the players' association didn't get (it) thrown out. The answer is that it was supposed to be anonymous, but it's now in the government's hands. But I would want to say something to all these people who are grumbling about these things. If we didn't force those tests, none of this would have ever been public. Does that tell you that we're not hiding and have never tried to hide anything?

The answer to this question is yes or no. Miraculously, neither of those words show up in that answer. If there is a list, and it's supposed to be "eliminated," why the fuck are you going to throw it out? Shred it. Flush it down the toilet at the gas station. Burn it in the fire that glows deep in your soulless body. But throw it out? That's a fail proof plan to keep things safe and out of the public eye.

Q: Do you concern yourself with the fact that, somewhere, there are chemists at work trying to concoct some other potion to beat the system?

A: Yes. All of us in sports worry about that. But we've come a long way in our understanding of this. Will there be new chemists? Of course, there will be. And we just have to be very vigilant and have to stay ahead of the game. Steroids are not a baseball problem. Steroids are a societal problem. Could I sit here today and say, 'We've got everything under control.' I wouldn't even make a statement like that. It would be foolish.

See? Baseball doesn't need to clean up here, it's society. Get with it, society! You're tarnishing the game's reputation, with your steroids and techno music. Society, it is YOUR fault that these premier athletes are trying to find new ways to cheat to make millions of dollars to play a game.

Q: In the last eight years, there have been 13 different teams in the World Series. How good is that for baseball?

A: I looked out at the field last year and saw Tampa Bay in the World Series, I said, 'That's a great thing for the sport.' It wasn't always well-received on the East Coast, but if baseball can't survive in Middle America, baseball won't be the sport we thought it could be.

A rather pointed question that I didn't really care for yields an even worse answer. Tampa Bay is on the west coast of Florida, which... uh.... uh huh. Still on the East Coast. Not in Middle America.


Q: Do you perceive that the Home Run Derby has taken on a bigger life than the All-Star Game itself?

A: It's big. It's the highest-rated cable show of the summer. But I was in St. Louis for the All-Star Game in St. Louis in 1966. I was trying to get a (major league) team for Milwaukee. All I can remember is I sat down in a seat that was so hot, I had a Coke in my hand and I spilled it all over the friend I came with. But it was a one-day event. People came in, saw the game and left. What you're going to see in St. Louis is really a celebration of the sport for six days. The Home Run Derby is huge, no question about it. But does it eclipse the game? I don't think so.

He went to the All-Star game in 1966, and all he remembers is spilling a Coke. I meant to erect a monument to that story, but I couldn't find a grade of marble boring enough.

He can also remember the name of a Cardinals outfielder in the 1950's, but when it comes to remembering anything from an All-Star game 10 years later, it's all hot metal and Coke. What a piece of shit.

Q: What's your favorite All-Star Game memory?

A: I guess Cal Ripken (hitting a home run in his last All-Star Game) in Seattle in 2001. Cal Ripken is everything baseball should have. You want me to go back? OK, 1955, Stan the Man right here in Milwaukee off Frank Sullivan. I'll never forget it. There was the All-Star Game I went to with my brother in 1950 in Chicago's Comiskey Park. I believe Albert Fred "Red" Schoendienst won that one with a 14th-inning homer.

What the fuck is going on here? Here's that game he went to in 1966. And he doesn't remember a 2-1 extra innings All-Star game. But he does remember a Stan Musial home run 11 years before that.

Q: Least favorite All-Star memory? I suspect it was the 11-inning tie in 2002?

A: It was unfortunate because it happened (in Milwaukee). My wife left early that night. She was smart because she was about to have hip replacement surgery.

Good thing she was walking around the All-Star Game.

Joe (Torre) used Barry Zito for like one hitter and I said to my wife before she left, 'I hope to hell Joe knows what he's doing.' And she said, 'Oh, don't worry, Buddy, he does.' But when the umpire (Gerry Davis) came over to me and told me that (Vicente) Padilla was laboring and Joe was worried about Freddy Garcia. We were out of pitchers and I'll tell you how it happened. In 1993 in Baltimore, when Cito Gaston didn't use Mike Mussina, the crowd booed the hell out of him. The managers (then) decided they were going to get everybody in the game. Sandy Alderson (Selig's right-hand man) and I worried from the late '90s on that something like this was going to happen. It happened. It was unfortunate. Now we've added some pitchers and it's never going to happen again."

Fans were booing that their player wasn't being used. That doesn't mean use every player, it means that if you're in Baltimore and an Oriole is on the roster, you should play him. So because of Orioles fans, the All-Star Game counts. Or should we blame Cito Gaston? I can't wait for this to happen again.

Q: Does the interleague play need to be adjusted, i.e., do natural rivals really need to play six games a year, rather than three?

A: The natural rivalries are so good. The first time I ever heard interleague play talked about was by (Bill) Veeck and (Hank) Greenberg in the late 1940s. Our attendance is up for interleague play by 19.5 percent. Veeck and Greenberg were absolutely right. And our fans like it. Yes, there are some scheduling things that aren't perfect. But what's interesting is that you've got a lot of rivalries that people like — rivalries that people didn't know about. Pittsburgh wants to play Cleveland. Cincinnati wants to play Cleveland and they fight over it. So this idea is that it's only New York and Chicago …

Cleveland and Pittsburgh hate each others teams in football, too. It's a geographic rivalry, as is two Ohio teams playing each other. Interleague works for a lot more for two cities, but Rockies v. Mariners? Rays vs. Any NL team that they didn't lose to in the World Series?

Q: The DH was instituted more than 35 years ago to help improve attendance in the American League with more scoring. Now that that goal has been achieved, isn't it time to have the same rules in both leagues?

A: The American League clubs really do like it. The National League clubs clearly do not. (Former Philadelphia owner) Bill Giles said to me a few years ago that a little controversy helps. Eventually there will be some event that will force us to make a decision, but not yet. That's not an issue I want to force right now.

That event will be fans booing the hell out of somebody, followed by an idiotic decision made from a field box 10 years later. Most likely, it will be a result of the second coming of Cito Gaston.

Q: Do you have fun in this job?

A: I'm not sure 'fun' would be the right word.

So the answer is no?

You have 30 owners with 30 different agendas. But I do love the challenges and the responsibilities. I do question my sanity sometimes.

That explains the Florida Marlins...

I'll be 75 years old on July 30 and when this term is over, I'll be 78. Let me put it this way. It's been a remarkable journey.

Straight into the ground?

Have you found it interesting that since the All-Star Game carrot of the winning league having home-field advantage — home field for the seventh and decisive game — has been in effect, that game actually never has taken place?

I’d like to see a seven-game World Series, I don’t mind telling you. I miss that. We didn’t really have a great idea in place. One year, you got (the home-field advantage) and the next year I got it. So, in talking to the Fox people, I really liked the idea because it does revive interest in the All-Star Game.

Taking turns really is a horrible solution, much worse than placing meaning on a game where guys don't try as hard so they don't get hurt. Also great to see that FOX made the decision to place meaning on the All-Star Game. Who would have thought that a change in rules would be a money grab?

Since then, the games have been played with great intensity. I think it’s worked out great and I think it’s restored the intensity of the game. I had called my friend, Ron Santo, in 2002, to see how he was feeling and he told me, ‘When we were in the All-Star Game, everybody played hard and we wanted to win. Guys today are gone after three innings.’ Hank Aaron said the same thing and asked me, ‘Can’t you do something?’ I think it’s here to stay unless somebody comes up with a better idea. Now the fact that we don’t seem to able to get past Game No. 5 (of the World Series) is a whole another story."

Are we sure that Ron Santo wasn't just referring to the fact that everybody is getting replaced by other players starting in the 3rd inning so that everybody plays? If you want millionaires to try harder, how about holding their possessions over a vat or acid and dropping them in if they mail it in? Fans text message votes in to monetize the situation and suddenly you have a sponsorable solution.

Would it good for baseball if the National League won an All-Star Game pretty soon?

Uh, I’m the commissioner … so I have to remain impartial. I’ll let you answer that.

The answer? Eliminated.