Just in time for All-Star quote/unquote weekend

I doubt I'll watch the homerun derby on Tuesday or Monday or whatever, so I doubt I'll leave a mildly coherent drunk voicemail on Larry B's cellphone about how preposterous it is. I don't even think I'll watch the all-star game on Tuesday (or Wednesday or whenever) so I can't muster up that much outrage about supposed snubs, etc. But I can rip Scott Miller for yet another ridiculously stupid baseball post.

Since the definition of an all-star is kind of nebulous and situational, so too, probably will the definition (to the extent it exists) of an anti-all-star. An all-star is usually defined as someone who would rank among the best players at his position during the current half-season. However, that's obviously not the hard and fast definition of an all-star, as sometimes players who are slightly less good THIS year might make it because of a more solid and all-star worthy career, or players who are completely undeserving this year might make it on the basis of a long and storied career. Sometimes "value to their team" is taken into consideration when things like performance make an all-star selection inscrutable.

Therefore, it seems like an anti-all-star is probably someone who is either

a.) the worst player at their position this year
b.) not the worst player at their position this year, but historically a lousy player at their position
c.) the owner of a preposterously awful career record, even if their current season isn't particularly awful
d.) detrimental to their team.

Some of the players Miller's chosen make sense (the Padres catching "staff", Richie Sexson--although wouldn't it be helpful to pick a player who IS STILL PLAYING BASEBALL?, Paul Mcanulty--although it might be helpful not to pick a guy now in the minors with only 135 AB to his credit this season, Andruw Jones, Jose Vidro--although, see Richie Sexson, Shawn Chacon--see Jose Vidro, and Eric Gagne). However some of them are just mind-numbingly brutal.

Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee.

As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.

This is fair. Weeks, despite all the expectations for him to perform as a power hitter, is only OPS+ing 82 and bringing pretty lousy defense at the 2B position. Players like Robinson Cano, Freddy Sanchez, Marco Scutaro, and Brendan Harris bring less production to the table but with better defense and, with the exception of Cano and Sanchez, much lower expectations. This is a fair choice. I just absolutely can't understand this:

Weeks is having such a rough time that when he became ill earlier this month, nobody could even tell whether it was food poisoning or a stomach virus. He was given fluids intravenously at a local doctor's office. Presumably, it also came with this advice: An apple a day, and stop swinging at bad pitches, and it'll keep the doctor away.

Huh?

I guess when you're unable to attack a player's grit or attitude, attack his....digestive system? Fear not, though, Miller finds plenty to attack in players character from this point on:

Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.

He's got talent. He's got speed. He's got pizzazz. He's also got an infuriating case of immaturity.

Ah. The Bill Plaschke. School of. Journalism. Immaturity. I guess Reyes's immaturity has been causing him to produce at a level lower than those a player his age would generally tend to reach, right? No? You mean, the guy has all-star caliber offensive numbers at a defensive position he plays more than servicably? And he's 25? Oh.

I was there in Anaheim when he threw a colossal fit on the field when interim manager Jerry Manuel removed him from the game as a precautionary measure to protect a mildly strained hamstring. It was the worst thing I've seen on the field since Jose Guillen threw a similar fit years ago while playing for the Angels.

Ok. Well this is essentially the one specific incident Miller will hang his hat on to prove that Reyes is emotionally immature. Now I'm not going to condone Reyes's actions (that's not true. Manuel's an idiot and anyone who shows him up is inherently right in doing so) but I will say this:

If Eckstein had been injured and refused to come out of a game, he'd be labeled the White Jesus.

But all this vitriol against Reyes's character is NOTHING compared to Miller's ultimate misguided hatred. The object of this completely misguided hatred? Who the fuck do you think:

Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.

He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall. He might be starting the real All-Star Game, but after essentially putting out a signal that he thinks he is bigger than the game by the arrogant and stupid timing of the opt-out move, there's no question he very much retains many Anti All-Star qualities.

First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.

Seriously. This is fucking retarded. At least he didn't mention that "A-WOD IDN'T GONNA HIT DA HOME WUN DEWBY :("

But really--how can you mention A-Rod as an anti-all-star without bringing up how Madonna is a more destructive force to the Yankees than she was to the Ciccone family in 1986 when she told Papa not to preach? Seriously.

(^that was an awesome pop culture reference)

But back to the topic at hand--his biggest beef with A-Rod, in naming him an ANTI-ALL-STAR for this year is that A-Rod's douchebag agent told the networks that A-Rod opted out of his contract while the WS was going on and the networks decided to report it? Seriously? That's why you think A-Rod is the shining example of a third baseman who embodies the antithesis of all-star?

But the very best (read: worst) of his selections needs absolutely not commentary. Just read it:

Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees.

Yes, the comeback of the year! Anybody who has seen O'Neill at The Stadium in his broadcasting capacity this summer will tell you the guy looks like he still can play. Certainly, he has a high enough opinion of himself to give it a whirl.

The most asinine occurrence of the year came in April, when Yankees fans were giving it to reliever LaTroy Hawkins because he was wearing O'Neill's old No. 21. Nobody had worn it since Paulie, but because Hawkins' first choice was one of a zillion numbers the Yankees had retired, he had to pick another. So he attempted to honor Roberto Clemente ... and Yankees fans reacted as if he had dumped manure during the Pope's visit.

O'Neill, of course, had the perfect venue to make life easier for a new Yankee: the airwaves. He could have stepped up and urged fans to welcome Hawkins. Instead, O'Neill said he found it sort of surprising that someone was wearing his number. Strange to see his old number warming up in the bullpen, O'Neill said.

As Steve Martin once said, let's get small, Paul.

....






Anyway, let's sum up Miller's anti-all-star team:

Catcher: SD Padre's catching staff
a fair selection, but, you know, more than one person
First Base: Richie Sexson
Not currently on a MLB roster
Second Baseman: Rickie Weeks
A fair pick. Is susceptible to ambiguous physical malady
Shortstop: Jose Reyes
Probably one of the 5 best players at his position in baseball. Is 25 years old.
Third Base: Alex Rodriguez
Either the best or 2nd best player in baseball at his position. A no doubt HOFer if he never played another game.
Left Field: Paul Mcanulty
A guy with 212 career MLB at bats. Is now in the minors after 135 MLB AB. Can't believe he didn't produce.
Center Fielder: Andruw Jones
Great pick.
Right Fielder: Paul O'Neill
Hasn't played MLB baseball in 7 years
Starting Pitcher: Shawn Chacon
No longer on a MLB roster
Closing Pitcher: Eric Gagne
Great pick