Jeff Pearlman Is Nothing If Not Nonsensical

Welcome back to Jeff! It's been far too long. Despite the infrequency of his appearances on our blogonet, he's one of our favorite targets. Articles like this make it easy to see why. (Also, he's a decent human being who wrote a decent book and did a decent quasi-interview with us. But all those things take a back seat to his ability to produce indecipherable garbage from time to time.)

Roughly 15 years ago, when Spike Lee directed the phenomenal film "Malcolm X," legions of African-American men began to utter the mantra, "I am Malcolm X."

I didn't know a lot of African-Americans back then, seeing as how I was nine and living in Honkysville, Colorado. But I'll take his word for it.

Roughly seven years ago, when Nike produced a series of cleaver Tiger Woods commercials, legions of golf fans began to utter the mantra, "I am Tiger Woods."

This is recent enough for me to remember, but I definitely don't. Then again, while I do enjoy playing golf, I would rather hang out with Bill Simmons than watch it. So maybe I'm not familiar with the mantras of its fans. Where is this going?

For the record, I am not Malcolm X.

For the record, I am not Tiger Woods.

Given that Jeff is a white guy who (based on the subject matter he usually covers) doesn't care about golf, that's probably correct.

Now, everyone bask in the glory of this bizarre intro's payoff.

I am Ed Wade.

Why? Let's look at the format of the setup: because of [incredibly influential cultural phenom], people at one point in time decided to say "I am [incredibly influential cultural phenom]." Ed Wade is not influential, not even in baseball circles, unless you count the negative influence he's had by giving out awful contracts on a regular basis. He has done nothing to make himself a cultural phenomenon. Most importantly, no one has started recently saying "I am Ed Wade." He got his ass kicked by one of his employees. If that elevates someone to "I am" status, you can consider me P.J. Carlesimo.

Too soon? No, definitely not too soon.

You wanna make something of it?

In what context? Getting your ass beat? Being critiqued on a nerdy blog created and and read exclusively by nerds? Depends on what kind of "something" we're talking about.

That's right -- I am Ed Wade, the first-year Houston Astros general manager and the fiercest punk toughie this side of Kimbo Slice. Until Wednesday evening, the very sight of the 52-year-old Wade suggested all the fire, brimstone and passion of a piece of grandma's meatloaf.

This is why we have a "food" label.

He is roughly 5-foot-9 and 160 pounds, with an uncanny (and, admittedly, unflattering) resemblance to Dan Frischman, the actor who played Arvid Engen in "Head of the Class."

And this is why we need a "references to irrelevant 80s TV shows I had to look up on IMDB just to understand" label. (Don't bother looking, I didn't create one. Thought it would cheapen the already dumb joke.)

Wade wears glasses, dresses in the polo-and-khaki stylings of an accountant and shuffles softly about a baseball diamond.

Sounds like he belongs in a basement, or possibly working for the Oakland A's.

He speaks in gentle tones, and rarely utters a foul word.

Wait- is he Jay Mariotti?

In other words, thug life 'til we die, playa!

Where does this come from? Is he trying to tie back into those black men he was referring to with the Malcolm X thing? Is he doing a Michael Scott-like parody of ignorance? Is he just trying to give his readers douchechills? The world is so full of mystery.

It was 55 minutes before Wednesday night's Rangers-Astros game at Minute Maid Park when I was standing inside the Houston clubhouse, chatting with Drayton McLane, the team's owner.

Were you inexplicably talking to him in Ebonics?

Suddenly, from behind me came screaming. And louder screaming. And louder screaming. The first voice belonged to Shawn Chacon, the disgruntled (and occasionally hot-headed) right-handed pitcher who had been demoted to the bullpen and consequently demanded a trade.

The second voice belonged to (gasp) Wade.

Thanks to the magic of modern technology, my Olympus digital voice recorder

Product placement.

captured most of the exchange. It went thusly:

Chacon: "%&#@ you."

Wade: "%&#@ you."

Chacon: "No, %&#@ you, %@^#*$%&#@*$."

Wade: "You know what, you're suspended."

Chacon: "I don't give a %&#@. Suspend me, %@^#*$%&#@*$."

Wade: "You're suspended %@^#*$%&#@*$."

Chacon: "I better not see you again Ed, you punk%@@ %*&#$."

Wade: "Yeah, OK."

Chacon: "%&#@ you."

Wade: "You're just as stupid as you can get."

It wasn't a good day for the Astros. I didn't see a physical confrontation, as the dispute started in another room before spilling into sight, but Chacon told the Houston Chronicle that he grabbed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground. "I jumped on top of him because at that point I wanted to beat his (butt)," the pitcher said -- omitting the unspoken, I have willingly thrown away my career and will see all of you at my new job at the Shell station on Louisiana Street. Please remember to tip.

I think the generally accepted joke here for someone whose sports career is obviously over is that they will be bagging groceries. But pumping gas works fine as well, I guess. Either way- can we get back to the part where Jeff "is"/wants to be Ed Wade? This doesn't seem to have much to do with it, and tough as it has been to follow, that's what I understand the point of the article to be.

I know … I know -- we're now required by clichéd journalism law to talk about what a horrible thing this was,

You're not, but thanks for sneaking that in anyways.

and how a person in Wade's position shouldn't lower himself to the level of a journeyman pitcher with an IQ apparently lower than his ERA (5.04, for the record).

Buh-zing. Nearly all jokes that follow the "This guy's [quantified trait] is higher/lower than [other number loosely tied to guy]!" fail. This is not an exception.

I, however, disagree. For decades now, men who look like Wade (and, ahem, me) have had the sand kicked in our faces by morons of Shawn Chacon's ilk.

And that's not changing anytime soon. Just ask Wade's larynx. What is the point? Why does Jeff want to be Ed Wade? Because Wade talked back to Chacon? Whoop-de-shit. He still got jacked up. And the fact that he subsequently fired Chacon isn't really anything to write home about either. Nerdy people in power positions have never suffered from an inability to hire and fire toughy-toughs.

We take it because -- usually based on genetics and financial worth -- we have little choice; because the giants rule the world and the runts search for the leftover crumbs.

Right, but here's the deal- if Wade really were a good role model for nerds everywhere, he would have earned enough respect from Chacon that he wouldn't have been chokeslammed. Chacon might have been furious at him, and cussed at him, and wanted to attack him. But a truly powerful and admirable nerd can do what he wants with his jockish employees without fear of physical assault. So what I'm trying to say is that Wade is actually kind of a bitch. Good at running his mouth, bad at backing up his tough talk, and worst of all at commanding the respect of his employees.

No more. With Ed Wade as our mighty leader, I believe a new day has dawned.

I hope not. That means my only hope of not being a hopeless zero my entire life has just evaporated. Fuck trying to make it to upper management- only being strangled can come of that.

No more bullying!

This incident definitely involved bullying.

No more intimidation!

Wade might not have been intimidated during the verbal confrontation, but how do you think he felt after the physical part? What if he saw Chacon waiting for him one night in a dark parking lot? Do you think he might be a little intimidated?

No more unreasonable trade demands and lengthy holdouts!

But plenty more awful contracts with no-trade clauses.

No more!

Plenty more.

I am Ed Wade!

I am Ed Wade!

I am Ed Wade!

I am -- ouch! I just got a paper cut.

Does anybody have a Band-Aid?

Oh oh ohhhhhh! I see what you did there! Clever. The whole thing was tongue-in-cheek, huh? Nope. I'm not buying it. Too late, Jeff. Somewhere between a bad joke and a misguided serious statement is this article's lame and painful middle ground.

Looking back on this post, I realize it makes me look like a grumpy old fuddy duddy who takes things too literally. Yes, AND?

Oh, and if Jeff Pearlman himself stops by to comment, be sure to lay into him pretty harshly (I mean, about his writing. No personal stuff). Every time he's here he insists he likes that. Creepy, but whatever.