Announcement!

Jay Mariotti is apparently closer to home for me than I once knew. I was eating at Wildfire, a nice restaurant near my house, when I noticed that among the many plaques on the wall that honor people who eat there frequently was one that read this:

"JAY AND DANA MARIOTTI".

Further inquisition confirmed not only that it was him, but also that he has a daughter that goes to the high school I attended.

Based on everything that has passed between me and Jay, is it fair to say that I'm not responsible for my actions if I see him?

Anyway, back to the crap.

As Ozzie invents enemies, Twins stalk lead

Blah blah blah as Ozzie bad, something else not-Ozzie good blah blah blah. For such a well-regarded writer, you sure as hell are monotonous.

When Ozzie Guillen isn't picking stupid fights with someone named C.J. Wilson -- I see he's stooping to much lower levels than me and Magglio Ordonez -- he's peering at the big scoreboard and seeing The Piranhas nipping at his butt cheeks.

Jay is clearly misinformed about the identity of "The Piranhas." Pay attention to this one Jay, because if you're going to use a phrase, you should at least know what it refers to. "The Piranhas" was a collective nickname for Jason Bartlett (who is now the Rays shorstop), Luis Castillo (who is now the Mets' second baseman), and Nick Punto (a guy who had the most negative VORP of any MLB player last year and barely has over 100 at-bats this year). In other words, Jay, you just said that the 9-1-2 hitters in the Twins lineup from 2 years ago are nipping at Ozzie Guillen's butt cheeks. Because those three baseball players no longer play for the same baseball team, I can only assume "nipping at his butt cheeks" was some sort of homosexual reference, which contradicts the previous sentence that Ozzie Guillen is any lower than you.

My brain works in the strangest ways.

Hey, blame him. He's the one who coined the perfect nickname for the Minnesota Twins

'9-1-2 hitters from 2006.

who continue to perform in the feisty piranha spirit and frighten the hell out of the White Sox.

Stop.

Is anyone out there remotely comfortable with a half-game lead? You shouldn't be. As the Sox were absorbing a 9-1 clobbering Saturday night from the lowly Kansas City Royals, the Twins were winning for the 21st time in 27 games, again looking like an elite team in a 14-2 crushing of the Texas Rangers.

The Twins are not an elite team. They're a bunch of #3 starters and a bunch of guys who don't hit HR. The Twins and the White Sox have practically identical team on-base percentages. However, the Sox have hit 135 HR. The Twins have hit 69. How in the world is it that the Twins have outscored the White Sox at the time of this writing?

Insanely. Good. Luck.

With RISP, the Twins are .311/.383/.454. That is easily the best and luckiest in the majors. Given that the White Sox have been way better at preventing runs, there's no way the Twins are their biggest threat.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

He's talking about C.J. Wilson. And like Jay said, I bet Ozzie cares more about him than his own team.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

The fact that he's really good at baseball pales in comparison to this, eh?

The fundamental question, to me, was whether Quentin would leave his first half in the on-deck circle at Yankee Stadium. That's where I last saw him, waiting to bat when American League teammate Michael Young mercifully ended that New York Marathon of an All-Star Game. Twice before, Quentin had stepped in with chances to be a wee-hours hero; twice, he failed.

5-for-17 with 3 walks and 2 HR since the break is definitely cutting it....

Was this an omen for his Q rating?

What the fuck does this mean? I want to call every scribe from every corner of the earth. Someone, please decipher this moron's brain. What was he possibly thinking when he wrote this?

Would the upstart that many have viewed as an MVP candidate, the steal of the year in baseball, now fall to earth as conventional logic demands? Was it too unrealistic to think he could lead the Sox to the playoffs when he was acquired from Arizona for a minor-league first baseman and sunflower seeds?

HE IS 9-FOR-FUCKING-28 WITH 6 HOME RUNS IN HIS LAST 7 GAMES? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE'S COOLING OFF?

Didn't you watch the game, Jay? Like every player had a chance to end that game at least once in extras.

He may not win the MVP award or hit .300, but the stocky slugger who vaguely resembles a young Jose Canseco -- somehow, I mean that as a compliment -- will keep crushing pitches and giving the Sox their most out-of-nowhere clout since Mayor Daley flashed a sign in a TV ad and coaxed A.J. Pierzynski to bunt.

That ad came out roughly 2 weeks ago. So basically you're saying that Quentin is the best thing that's happened to the White Sox in 2 weeks.

The good news on Avenue Q aside, look elsewhere if you want a firm commitment to Sox glory. Along with Quentin, Danks and Floyd, it's just as vital for Paul Konerko to start earning his money and the likes of Thome, Nick Swisher and Jose Contreras to earn theirs. Closer Bobby Jenks, too, must avoid the disabled list. The Twins are that good.

1) "Avenue Q?"
2) No. The Twins are not that good. Their leadoff hitter has a .285 OBP. They have 2 guys with more than 10 home runs.

Ozzie yaps, the Twins nip.

You haven't mentioned Ozzie in 9 paragraphs, so this was a pretty seamless transition, eh?

I see a theme developing.

So do I, Jay. So. Do. I.