Bill fixes the Lakers, tests my patience (part 4)

When we last left Wolf Pope Simmons, he was again negotiating a brilliant trade against himself, one which would leave the Bulls (as pointed out by commenter ivn) in a position where they would be playing Mike Dunleavy Jr. during crunch time.  THE TRADE MACHINE SAYS IT WILL WORK!  THEREFORE IT WOULD WORK!  What's next?

5. Don't amnesty Metta World Peace unless you absolutely have to.

Oops.  The fact that the Lakers did this in real life is a sign that they intend to compete next year, which 1) makes plenty of sense, for the 150 reasons I've already given in this series and 2) kind of disappoints me, because it would be really fun to see them go into full-fledged rebuilding mode without doing any of the things Simmons insists they should do.  Imagine the self-aggrandizing things he would Tweet about how dumb they were being!  Pure entertainment.  Would really warm my cold, black heart.

I hate losing Metta when he's the Kendrick Perkins of small forwards. 

Apparently all cross-positional references have to involve current or former Celtics.  Who is currently the Tony Allen of centers?  (Easy: JaVale McGee.)  Who is the Rajon Rondo of power forwards?  Your answers in the comments.

Ideally, we'd need him playing 35 minutes a game, missing 60 percent of his shots, throwing passes into the third row, getting dumb technicals, and letting faster small forwards blow by him for six solid months. 

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out how crucial MWP was in the 6FOR24!!111111 game: 20 points, including a huge 3 to put the Lakers up 6 with a minute to play.

He's a big part of Riggin' for Wiggins. So if the Bulls won't flip Deng and Hinrich for Gasol, 

But you said it best yourself: they'd HAVE to say yes!

you make the Cleveland deal, save $30 million in luxury tax and keep Metta around.

As both commenter Adam and I have already pointed out, why would the Cavs give away a 1st round pick in a loaded draft to "upgrade" from Gasol to Varejao?  If Varejao stays healthy, he's a marginally worse player than Gasol and the Cavs make the playoffs.  If Varejao gets hurt, the Cavs go to the lottery.

6. Since you're sucking anyway, bring back as many popular former Lakers as possible.

Although it is obviously not meant to be taken seriously, this is one of the stupidest things I have ever read and Simmons should be punched in the kidneys for having typed it out.

I'm convinced that the Lakers bugged my house because, ever since I started working on this column on Monday, they signed Jordan Farmar (someone Lakers fans irrationally loved because he's a UCLA guy) and they're courting Sasha Vujacic (another guy the Lakers have irrationally loved, while the rest of America irrationally hated him). 

The "irrationally [loved/hated/whatever] thing he rolls out all the time is a nice little variant on Klosterman's SECRETLY UNDEROVERUNDERPROPERLYRATED twatfuckery.  It's also a nice little SUPER SMART BASKETBALL NERD angle: listen, non-Lakers fans, I know you think Sasha Vujacic is a whiny little piece of shit who flops every chance he gets, but your hatred of him is SO IRRATIONAL.

I'd go further than that — I'd also bring back beloved veterans Derek Fisher

Speaking of guys who whine and flop a lot

and Luke Walton 

I hate it when people say shit like this, but I'm going to anyways.  Did you know Luke Walton is 33?  Holy shit, I feel old.

for the veteran's minimum, then keep my 15th roster spot open and spend the season signing old Lakers favorites (Robert Horry, Rick Fox, Michael Cooper, Sam Perkins, etc.) to a series of 10-day contracts.

Again, punches to the kidneys.

Important note: Lakers fans would LOVE this. Shit, they'd even enjoy 10 days of Slava Medvedenko. As long as Kwame Brown and Smush Parker aren't involved in 10-day roulette, we're good.

Lakers fans, why did you IRRATIONALLY hate Kwame Brown so much?

7. Tell Jack Nicholson to stay away for the entire season.

We don't want Jack sitting there and enduring a willfully bad Lakers team. It might kill him. 

Check out the totally subtle starfuckerism.  "Let me tell you about Jack!  Jack and I, we go way back.  I know how much the Lakers mean to him, that's how close we are."  You know what, I deleted the rest of this section, because it was too depressing to make fun of.  Suffice it to say, he managed to make a Weekend at Bernie's "joke" and more importantly, post the picture of Justin Bieber with the Stanley Cup you've already seen on 25 different blogs.  ZOMG celebs!!!!

8. Keep Mike D'Antoni for the entire year.

When I was going over my tentative "Save the Lakers" plan last night with my friend Lewis (a Lakers nut who's onboard with everything you just read),

A fellow BASKETBALL NERD who understands subtle things that could make or break a team, like signing LeBron and drafting Andrew Wiggins.

I jokingly asked him, "OK, what would you do with D'Antoni?"

Trade him to the Magic for their 2014 first rounder (top three protected--they're not just going to give it away!).  WHOOOOOO SAYYYYS NOOOOOO

"Are you kidding?" Lewis yelped. "YOU KEEP HIM! YOU KEEP HIM THE WHOLE SEASON! WE WANT THE WORST COACH POSSIBLE!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVER FIRE D'ANTONI!"

Like I said, clearly Lewis is someone who is in the rarefied air as Bill in terms of sophisticated basketball knowledge.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Mike D'Antoni era!)

Jokes in that format were pretty fresh in 1997.

We wrap things up next post, including the line:

You know who they SHOULD be emulating, actually? [_____].

You get three guesses as to what goes in the blank, and the first two don't count.