Capital T True Capital Y Yankee must save season from evil villain who is allowed to wear Yankee uniform for some reason

This blog is old as shit at this point, and maybe even as old as fuck, so we have a lot of labels.  I usually  use four or five of them on any given post.  For this one, I'm only going to use one--one of my all time favorites.  I believe onetime contributor Eriz came up with it (it would take like thirty seconds to verify that, but meh, I'm not made out of minutes and seconds here) back in the fall of 2007.  Five and a half years later, it's very well suited for this article by Bob Raissman of the New York Post.

Saying the New York sports media is childish is an insult to the emotional intelligence of children.  Guys like Raissman make colossal idiots from other media markets read like wonderful poetry.  I'd rather peruse bullshit written by Dan Shaugnessy or TJ Simers for 24 hours straight than read 20 minutes of Yankee analysis from someone who writes for a New York publication.  It's torture.  The inability of guys like Raissman to provide any analysis other than unreadable reiteration of the laziest and most played out available narrative is truly spectacular.  HERPA DERP, JETER = CHRIST COME BACK TO EARTH, A-ROD = FRAUDY is nearly ten years old at this point, but this piece is one of the purest examples of it I've ever seen.  Make sure you haven't eaten recently before you read past this point.



A-Who?

A-Fraud! Pay-Rod! Fish fillet-Rod!

In all media precincts, 

In all whats? 

the Yankees are taking a beating.

Not really.  I didn't hear too many people going after the franchise in the aftermath of Biogenesis report.  Rodriguez was taking a beating for a few days last week.  That's old news, though.  It's mostly whoever runs the Superdome taking the ol' 24 hour news cycle sports media beating right now.

If the Bombers were a prizefighter, they would most resemble Mike Tyson rolling around on the canvas looking for his mouthpiece after being hammered by Buster Douglas.

Timely analogy.

Unlike Tyson, the Yankees have a savior to pick them up off the canvas: 

I used "JETER = CHRIST COME BACK TO EARTH" up there as a joke, but some of these mouth-breathers really do go down that road.

The organization has Derek Jeter to lead it out of this mess with Alex Rodriguez.

Barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf

The captain’s presence and persona are uplifting. They can cleanse any muck surrounding the organization. In order for fans to keep the faith, they need a reason to believe, a face they can trust. Jeter, the transcendent one, is that man.

So Raissman is trying to fuck Jeter, right?  Hope I don't sound totally crazy for assuming so after reading that.

“Invariably consumers turn to sports for relief and distraction from life’s problems and setbacks,” said a network executive with ties to baseball.

Substitute "some horse's ass who loves Jeter and took intro to marketing as a college sophomore" for "network executive" where necessary.

“Alex’s woes are not exactly uplifting. 

Yankee fans are totally on the verge of no longer paying attention to the Yankees thanks to this unsurprising and non-season altering development.

The Yankees should embrace Derek Jeter’s image, 

Yeah!  They've been keeping him under wraps for too long!  Time to let the public in on the best kept secret in baseball!

wrap their corporate arms around it. 

I picture the Yankees' corporate arms as octopus tentacles.

He is going to be huge for them on so many levels going forward this season.”

I agree, he IS going to be huge for them all over the place in the future this season meaningless cliche meaningless cliche.

There are fresh allegations that Rodriguez obtained performance-enhancing drugs between 2009 and 2012 through an alleged link to Miami-based Anthony (The Biochemist) Bosch. This situation, along with an MLB investigation 

Which will almost certainly lead to fuck-all in terms of consequences, much to the disdain of hand-wringers everywhere.

and the question of whether Rodriguez can return to third base after a second hip surgery, makes his future in pinstripes highly uncertain. 

Patently outlandish, no matter how much clods like Raissman want to believe it.  I will concede that the less likely it gets that he reaches 763 HR, the more likely it is he gets traded at some point, and the odds of him getting to 763 are looking pretty long right now.  But I'll eat a hat if he's not a Yankee at the end of the 2014 season.

A-Rod and Bosch have denied the allegations.

He's probably roiding, as is pretty much every single other star professional athlete.  As you read this, there are probably dozens and dozens of them injecting or ingesting something.  It's time we all accepted it and moved on.  Also, I would like to renew my promise to donate $1,000 to charity if Jeter is caught under MLB's steroid testing program anytime this season.

You cannot read a story or listen to radio Gasbags without hearing about how old the team is, full of question marks going into 2013.

Those gasbags are absolutely right, and one of the ways in which they're most right is that a 39 year old who's been a terrible defensive shortstop for more than a decade and is coming off ankle surgery is probably going to be penciled in for another 130+ games at short.  BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS CALM EYES?  HAVE THE RADIO GASBAGS FACTORED THOSE IN?

Of course, there is that $189 million figure, the magic payroll number Hal Steinbrenner has targeted. There is also this notion, rejected by Mr. Steinbrenner, that Hal doesn’t have the same hunger and drive to win that his famous father had.

Please!  New Yorkers are far too sane and reasonable to say that because George S. won a bunch of titles but Hal S. has only won one so far, that Hal doesn't want to win as much as his dad.  That doesn't sound like them at all.  Note how Raissman baits the people who say idiotic shit like that with "rejected by Mr. Steinbrenner."  Yeah, HE says that's not true, but what else WOULD he say?  He's obviously a losing loser who hates winning!

So, a few weeks before spring training, when hope springs eternal, the Yankees’ image has sprung a leak. No sweat. No time for panic, either. The Yankees have been here before. Their image was tattered during the inept CBS regime, and along came George Steinbrenner to save the franchise and build a winner.

Then it was Steinbrenner himself who took things into the toilet during the whole sordid Dave Winfield-Howie Spira affair that got The Boss suspended. Along came Gene Michael to build the team Joe Torre eventually took to four World Series titles. This is all the evidence we need to anoint the Yankees the most resilient brand in sports.

The Yankees were good for a long time, then the league expanded and talent spread around, so they weren't as good, then they were good again, then not so good again, then finally good again.  These days they maintain a competitive advantage over 2/3 of the rest of MLB and virtually guarantee they will win 90+ every single season thanks to their spending habits.  Conclusion: the Yankees have overcome more adversity than any group of people on Earth, ever.

The tradition will continue. And we’ll take it a step further. Yankees brass should figure out a way — quickly — to keep Jeter long-term, past whenever he decides to call it a day. 

The rotation is full of question marks, and the lineup is old as shit.  Clearly the franchise's most pressing concern: what will Jeter's job title be after he retires?  Will he need to show up to one game per week to wave to the crowd on the Jumbotron, or will two per month suffice?

The longer Jeter is around, the easier it will be for the Yankees to distance themselves from the continuous A-Rod soap opera, which has no clear end, or resolution, in sight.

Which in no way, shape or form has been perpetuated by insane idiots like the author of this article.

Jeter provides an immediate story line. He is coming back from a fractured left ankle, suffered during Game 1 of the ALCS. His same media detractors, who have been on and off his case since 2008, will no doubt be analyzing his every move in spring training. This is good. If the focus is on Jeter, the A-Rod saga (barring any more shocking developments) may be relegated to back-burner status. 

You'd think a guy who is a member of the New York sports media would understand how the New York sports media works.  No, dipshit, every single thing either of these players does is immediately on the front burner.  They both will be receiving copious amounts of attention during spring training, even if Rodriguez isn't there.  And this is mostly due to the fact that you and your tribe have spent the last nine seasons pushing the idea that Jeter is flawless and Rodriguez is a fuckup, unable to ever do anything right, even after Jeter was the one who wouldn't switch positions for the defensively superior Rodriguez in 2004.  Rodriguez has been worth about 20 more WAR than Jeter since 2004, has been worth more WAR/$, and since I know this the only thing 90% of Yankees fans judge either of them by, hit better than Jeter in the playoffs when the Yankees won the WS in 2009.  But don't let that get in the way of your asshattery.  Please.  Go on.

The focus must be on Jeter. The story of his comeback, the story of the old guy trying to extend his career at a high level, is more than compelling, especially with all the doubters chiming in. Yankee fans will once again want to see Jeter stick it to everyone. They will pay to see it. Then again, Jeter was always an attraction. 

A truly stunning moment of clarity.

This will only magnify his presence, 

Consider capitalizing "His."

which will also be of great value to the suits running YES. They should ride Jeter and promote — ad nauseam — the story of his comeback.

A plan that is as unorthodox as it is brilliant.  Let YES know about this idea so they can scrap the hours and hours of coverage they had planned to devote to Brett Gardner's injury rehab and Joe Girardi's favorite offseason fishing spots.

Jeter has an $8 million player option for 2014. His last negotiation was a bitter one. It included a media backlash, with Jeter being accused of wanting to be paid “because he’s Derek Jeter.” 

Which is exactly what happened.  Didn't he want $25 MM a year?

Jeter has lived up to his contract. 

No.  So far he's been paid about $30 MM to generate 3.0 rWAR.  On the other hand, if you factor in intangibles, there is literally no amount of money that could properly compensate him, so I guess maybe he's the biggest bargain in the league?  

The next time around, it’s worth considering his value as the face of the franchise. 

Because 3 years/$51 MM for a terrible defensive shortstop who hits a lot of singles, walks a bit and doesn't do anything else at the plate is a contract that's based purely on on-field performance.

It must be factored in. His contract would be a bargain.

That's awesome.  That's my favorite sentence in this whole piece.  Look, just sign him to a lifetime contract, Yankees.  No, I don't need to know the details.  I promise you it's a bargain.  What else is going to bring Yankee fans to the ballpark ten years from now?

The Yankees need Derek Jeter.

Not as much as you do, Bob.  Not as much as you do.

For moments like these.

That sounds like a slogan a tampon company would use.  The only thing missing from this article is an insistence that Jeter deserves every single Gold Glove he's been awarded.