Thursday, January 19, 2012

Simmons mailbag that was written a week ago? Don't mind if I do

I can't do any more TMQRs. Not this season. I'm done beating my face against that razor-sharp wall. (Sorry about the line spacing issues. Unlike Murray Chass I am not a professional blogger so I don't really know how to fix stuff like that in html.)

I wasn't planning on writing another all-NFL playoff mailbag until Nate in Phoenix sent me the following e-mail:

"Congrats on your great start in your eternal quest to go 11-0 against the spread in the playoffs. Of course, last weekend's success now means that you'll have to do a second straight all-NFL mailbag. Don't upset the applecart. You have been repeatedly warned."


Q: A thousand years from now, will people build scenes of the 2010 NFL-Draft in front of their houses just like they do with the nativity play now? In the Pittsburgh game, they played in the stadium that's closest to heaven (Mile High). Tebow threw for 316 yards. Rothlisberger's interception came on 3rd and 16. Pittsburgh's time of possession was 31 minutes and 6 seconds. Tebow's average yards per completion was 31.6. Someone named John told Tebow to pull trigger on the final TD. And Demaryius Thomas, the target for Tebow's game winner, was born on Christmas.
— Matthias Lahn, Germany

People who think like this and feel the need to point out their thoughts like this to others should be sterilized. We don't need more unclever people making unprofound observations about mildly interesting coincidences. The world is already stupid enough thanks to the [insert political party of your choice here]s!!!!!

Simmons's answer to that question is kind of funny, it's 600 words about how terrified he was of the Broncos. While it's easy for me to mock that viewpoint five days after the game took place, none of the Pats fans I know were even remotely worried about that game. I have no idea what that means but I suspect it has something to do with Simmons being a fuckass.

Q: The Saints/Lions game is happening as I'm writing this — in fact the Lions are up 14-7 with just under four minutes to play.


Game over, Saints win. Why? The camera just showed Stafford with his hat on backwards. Brim-to-the-Back Guy cannot win a Super Bowl, and I don't think there's any way Brim-to-the-Back Guy out-duels Drew Brees in the Superdome.

What a great Simmons premise. I'll bet he loves it. Hey, this has nothing to do with sports- let's break it down!

Has any Brim-to-the-Back Guy won the big game?

Roethlisberger, twice.

Some'll claim Big Ben,

They'll be right.

you can't exactly say he was the leader of those Super Bowl teams.

Aw, he already forgot his own question. Kinda feel sorry for the fella.

You've got your finger on the pulse; you've the mighty combined forces of Grantland and ESPN's crack research teams. What say you?
— Michael Keeney, Madison, WI

SG: This was such a brilliant observation


that, for about nine seconds, I thought about stealing the point entirely and pretending I never heard of Michael Keeney of Madison, Wisconsin. We don't need a crack research team for a verdict here: The only elite QB with less of a chance in a big game than Brim-to-the-Back Guy is Brim-to-the-Side Guy.

Marky Mark? Non-responsive answer that's even less interesting and relevant than the original question. Nnnnice. Quick, bring up Tom Brady!

In fact, the secret of Tom Brady's maturation into a franchise QB wasn't dropping to the sixth round; it was when he decided to stop being Brim-to-the-Back Guy, Your move, Matthew Stafford.

He's too busy banging sorority girls to care.

Q: Please stop referring to defensive backs as "d-backs." It's "db's" or "Defensive Backs." I'm sick and tired of listening to podcasts where you ramble on about how bad the "d-backs" are in the Patriots' secondary. On second thought … nevermind. Keep up the good work.
— Chris B., Sacramento

SG: Thanks, d-bag.

Pwned! Oh Chris B., how does that burn taste? Burny? It's cute how Bill flirts with his readers by making fun of them.

Q: I re-read your 2011 NFL Preview column and counted up your "Relatively Bold Predictions." You had at least one per game, and some with multiple parts, which I counted separately. By my math, you're currently 6 of 24. I'm naming you my "NFL Preseason Preview MVP."
— Alex, Centreville

SG: (Searching for a comeback.)

Oh my! Speaking of the burniest of burnsauce, there it is again! Kobe, Bill will not sleep until everyone out there realizes your probably-deserved 2010 finals MVP was not at all deserved. LOL 6 FOR 24 MORE LIKE ZERO FOR A MILLION

Q: Can we say that a top running back is no longer needed to win a Super Bowl? Here are the last 10 Super Bowl winners and their running backs:

It all adds up pretty reasonably. None of the past 10 winners had what you might call an elite RB except maybe the Patriots in 2004 with Corey Dillon or the Colts in 2006 with Joseph Addai. And Addai is a real stretch. Good point, emailer. Now quit while you're ahead.

Also, the Colts, Giants, Saints, and Packers all won the Super Bowl AFTER losing Edgerrin James, Tiki Barber, Deuce McAllister, and Ryan Grant. Does this make the case that having a top running back, if you are a contender for the Super Bowl, actually hurts your chances?
— Brian R, Dubai

You are the stupidest person alive and I hope you wander into the Arabian Desert and disappear forever.

Q: I just read your newest mailbag. I was disappointed because I spent most of it reading the bold text. You are an excellent and intelligent writer.

Heh heh heh

Your readers, typically, are not.

Boy, I'll say!

I would like to hear more from you and less from them.

Can I interest you in a podcast featuring Bill and his friends guessing point spreads?

Please consider my concerns.
Sincerely, Finney.
— Finney, Clemson

The ironing is delicious.

SG: I'm guessing Finney didn't enjoy the last few e-mails. And for the record — the mailbag is my favorite column to write and has been since 1997. So there.


Q: An idea for the 18-game schedule: each team plays 18 games, but (except for kickers and punters), no player can play in more than 16 games during the regular season. And this should be strongly enforced — if a player plays in even one play in a game, that [truncated for stupidity]

Your weekly solution to a problem that doesn't exist.

Q: Every mailbag I find myself hoping I can make it through without you incorporating the term "nodding" in some way, shape, or form into your response. I have yet to come across someone who overuses "nodding" as much as you. Perhaps for the new year you can find a new phrase to express yourself with (you used "nodding" in the the first mailbag of 2012 — i was holding out out hope it would be "nodding" free, but it's never too late to change, heck, just put it to bed for a month even!). If you do this, I will "nod approvingly." Thanks.
— Edward R., Washington DC

My God. This man needs a job, several hobbies, and some recreational drugs.

The mailbag ends after he makes his picks; no "Yup, these are my WACKY readers!" emails. While I think that probably makes the column better, I kind of missed reading some chode's sex story that almost certainly didn't happen. I WAS BANGING TWO MODELS, I LOOK OUT MY BEDROOM WINDOW, AND THAY-UH'S JON FACKIN' LESTAH, WALKIN' HIS UNICAWRN! I'm also worried about Amy from Jacksonville. How is that poor made-up woman going to know that the mailbag is over?


jacktotherack said...

/Nodding in approval

Chris W said...

Bill's mailbags send me off to the land of nod

cs said...

"Can I interest you in a podcast featuring Bill and his friends guessing point spreads?"

It's always amazed me that this podcast actually exists and has existed for years now. He's guessing the lines of games that already posted lines. What is the point of this?

Adam said...

Because I have no life, I checked out Bill's actual "NFL Bold Predictions" for 2011 because I knew it would pay off. Did it ever...

He got 2/16 correct, and those two were not even bold. Even more fun is the fact that some of them are fucking hilariously wrong in retrospect, like:

Relatively Bold Prediction No. 4: Tampa makes the playoffs, Atlanta and Detroit do not.

Relatively Bold Prediction No. 7: The Browns will be one of our two 2011 sleepers and sneak out a wild card ahead of Baltimore.

Relatively Bold Prediction No. 8: The Rams win this game and go on to win the NFC West.

Relatively Bold Prediction No. 11: The Niners pull out every stop to win the Luck Sweepstakes (and succeed).

Relatively Bold Prediction No. 12: Everyone who bet Phil Rivers at 12-to-1 as MVP cashes in