Larry B finally posts about Tim Tebow finally tweeting to Philip Humber

Big thanks to the anonymous/Anonymous who left this link in the comments to the last post.  That's a more or less foolproof way to make sure I'm aware of any sportswriting dumbfuckery you seven readers stumble across.  I check the firejaymariotti@gmail.com account about once every three months (give or take), but I check the comments to my most recent post about once every 15 minutes because I'm an insecure, self-centered twat.  So cheers to you, a/Anonymous.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Philip Humber finally received a tweet from New York Jets quarterbackTim Tebow on Saturday.

I love the editorialist insertion of "finally" by this ESPNChicago.com writer.  "Tim Tebow uses the internet to get in touch with Philip Humber" is a completely and utterly worthless story based on facts.  "Tim Tebow uses the internet to get in touch with Philip Humber AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME" is a completely and utterly worthless opinion piece based on facts.  Way more infuriating.

All Humber had to do was throw a perfect game.

Finally!  A plan to get Tebow's attention that really works!  /stops picketing abortion clinic, walks home with chin on chest as sad Charlie Brown music plays

"Congrats @Philip_Humber on accomplishing one of the greatest feats in all of sports! #PerfectGame," Tebow tweeted.

TELL ME MORE!  

"Tim Tebow tweeted me," Humber said Monday on "The Waddle & Silvy Show" on ESPN 1000. "The funny thing about that is I tweeted him this offseason, and of course he's Tim Tebow and I'm Philip Humber ... compared to him I'm a nobody, but I didn't get a response. I was like, 'Aw man,' I was kind of hoping he'd tweet me back or something.'"

HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE A COPPOLA SCREENPLAY!

Tebow was soliciting a $1 donation toward the Tebow Foundation children's hospital in the Philippines. Humber retweeted it on Nov. 29 and replied: "I'm heading to Philippines next week with a group of baseball guys... Making a stop in Mindanao! God bless."

And really, I shit you not, this goes on for like another ten sentences.  They talk about a different time that Humber tweeted Tebow, and then surprise, bitch!  Justin Verlander and Mark Buehrle make cameo appearances.  All in all I'd say this is the most worthless article in the history of sportswriting except that I hesitate to call it an article.  It's really more like a half page featurette that belongs in a gossip magazine, accompanied by big shiny photos and flashy graphics.  

Real post covering Simmons's mailbag coming tomorrow.  In the meantime, keep in mind that to win in the NHL playoffs, you need more Ryan Clowes and fewer Dustin Penners.

PS as I'm writing this Sportscenter is doing a slow motion/freeze frame analysis of Mark Sanchez trying (unsuccessfully) to dunk during Knicks/Clippers warmups at Madison Square Garden.  The Worldwide Leader in Sports, people.  Savor it while it lasts.

Followup from yesterday

I spent hours--LITERALLY hours--on that post. OK, fine, I literally spent one hour on it. But there was some great stuff I missed. Let's go to the tape.

Angelo points out how asinine this is:

The last two Bird-McHale-Parish efforts ('91 and '92, two severely underrated teams) fell short because the Legend just couldn't stay healthy.

The Celtics won it all in 1986. In 1987 they lost in the Finals to some team from the BEST coast. In 1988 they lost to a rising Detroit team in the conference finals. In 1989 Bird was hurt all year and they failed to win a single playoff game (as the 8 seed). In 1990 Bird was healthy and playing mostly like his old self... and they still didn't make it out of the first round. In both 1991 and 1992 Bird missed some time, and they eventually won a single series before bowing out. So let's total it up: 1987 to 1992: six seasons, three with a healthy Bird, two with a somewhat healthy Bird, seven playoff series won. In other words, a fading and later irrelevant team with a fading superstar.

To hear Simmons tell the story out of context, those last two Bird teams could have been contenders if only Bird had been 100%! SEVERELY UNDERRATED, which is what Klosterman thinks actually makes them a little bit overrated. Is your brain exploding right now? Well I hope you're sitting down for this part: there might have been a little problem standing in the way of the 1991 and 1992 Celtics even if Bird had been at 100%. Yeah, that guy and his team that went 30-9 in those two playoffs might have had a little something to say about Basketball Jesus and his creaky teammates had they crossed paths. In 1991, the Detroit team that bounced Boston in six games couldn't get a single game off the Bulls. In 1992, the Cleveland team that ousted Boston in seven only took Chicago six.

Chris W figuratively jumps on this pile of garbage:

What about Doc finally (and belatedly, but whatever) figuring out the value of a locked-in playing rotation? Even when they won the 2008 title, Doc was routinely playing 11 guys in one half — he just couldn't grasp the concept of "stick to eight or nine guys, make sure everyone knows their minutes, don't deviate from this"

Bill's right--during the 2008 playoffs Rivers ran a ten man rotation. But just because it worked that one time doesn't mean it was a good tactic, right? And if Bill says eight is the way to go, it's the way to go, right? Oh shit. Well fuck. Seems like Doc might have already heard that one somewhere. That's not to say running ten deep would be the right thing to do this year, given their injury issues. I'm sure no Celtics fan wants to see Marquis Daniels or E'Twaun Moore getting minutes in the playoffs. I just find it funny that the Celtics won a title giving minutes to every guy on the roster, then switched to a tighter rotation and failed to win again the following three seasons (including two pretty disappointing second round losses), and now Bill is thrilled that circumstance has forced Rivers into running a tight rotation this year. CHAMPIONSHIP SECURED. NOW TO PLAN THE PARADE ROUTE.

I hope the Celtics get swept in the first round, then dismantle their team, then TD Garden burns to the ground. And while we're sort of on the subject, fuck the Bruins with a rusty tetherball pole.

A hilarious love letter to the 10th best team in the NBA

Bill Simmons to the Celtics: DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS!

You know what happens when you're rooting for a creaky but lovable basketball contender?

DUH- you write articles full of ridiculous nonsense about them because you're convinced that they're special and different and definitely not destined to get swept out of the second round of the playoffs by the Bulls or Heat (should they get past the first round).

You relish the big victories. All of them. Every single one.

You're not like OTHER fans. You're a fan's fan. You appreciate winningness.

You know the season could collapse at any time, and you're perfectly aware that a torn meniscus, calf tear or herniated disk might sucker punch your season when you least expect it. It's a little liberating, actually. Your expectations are low because you shouldn't expect anything at all.

And yet you keep in mind that it's important to tweet like a petulant child when your team gets bounced out of the playoffs.

And with that said … I actually expected the Celtics to prevail in Miami last night. I really did. Had you told me as recently as six weeks ago, "The Celtics are going to win in Miami in mid-April, and by the way, you will expect it to happen," I would have assumed that LeBron and Wade had crashed on Bobby Petrino's motorcycle or something.

Topical! DO TIM TEBOW AND LINDSEY VONN NEXT

Miami IN Miami? No way.

They've got nearly as formidable a home court advantage as the Grizzlies!

How did we get here? It wasn't that long ago that the great Bob Ryan described Boston's situation as "Year Five of a Three-Year Plan."

For a Bob Ryan line, that's pretty great.

A five-game losing streak had dropped the C's to a measly 15-17, as a-hole writers like myself were grabbing shovels and burying the team.

Boston writers/fans pointing in the direction the wind is blowing w/r/t one of their teams? Now I've heard it all. Fortunately Simmons learned how to be more levelheaded from that experience though, and now sees the Celtics for what they are--an aging team with no depth and no shot at the Finals. *record scratch* Wait, what?

With trade rumors swirling around All-Star Rajon Rondo — planted by other teams hoping to cause chemistry problems and drive down his price, by the way —

Love the snide insecurity there. THEY WERE NEVER GOING TO TRADE HIM! NUH-UH! THAT WAS JUST JERRY BUSS BEING A POOPHEAD!

the Celtics won three straight, then throttled the Knicks on a Sunday ABC home game

As I type this, the Knicks are putting the finishing touches on an eight point win over the Celtics that wasn't nearly that close.

that we'll always remember

I forget the blog I was reading that pointed out how oddly obsessed Simmons is with speculating about how we will one day look back on insignificant things that are currently happening, but man, they were spot on.

as Rondo's "Look, You're Not Effing Trading Me, You'd Be Insane" game (18 points, 20 assists, 17 rebounds). The next two weeks were fairly fascinating:

MESMERIZING. The world's eyes were squarely trained on Big Papi Nation. Moreso than usual, Earth's 7 billion inhabitants spent their days and nights wondering what was going on in THE HUB.

The Celtics hoping to rebuild around Rondo and cap space, while steadfastly refusing to give away their valuable veterans.

I can't believe the media had time to focus on anything else! Republican primaries? Recovering economy? Civil war in Syria? WHO CARES, THE CELTICS ARE THINKING ABOUT MAKING A COUPLE TRADES

Before the Clippers game at Staples, less than three days before the deadline, I spent 25 minutes talking to Ainge and fellow BYU grad Michael Smith, now a broadcaster for the Clippers. It was becoming more and more clear that Ainge should keep the team intact; the day before, they played extremely well in a last-minute Lakers loss, and it's not like anyone in the East was pulling away from them. Making the decision easier: Nobody was offering anything decent for Pierce (owed $32 million total in 2013 and 2014) or Garnett (whose $21 million cap figure made it near impossible just to match salaries in a trade). Allen's expiring contract and crunch-time pedigree made him more appealing, but no contender had the right assets to pursue him. At one point, Smith brought up a young player who could, conceivably, have been the centerpiece of an Allen trade. Danny just started laughing."We're not trading Ray Allen for [the player's last name]," Danny said. "Come on! It's Ray Allen!"

This man is in charge of one of the most valuable and respected franchises in the league. To his credit, the Garnett/Allen trades worked out swimmingly. To his detriment, he's still obviously a huge fucking toolshed.

[400 words of Simmons wearing Ainge as as hat omitted]

Anyway, I left our conversation thinking that Danny honestly didn't know how the deadline would play out. Chatting with Wyc Grousbeck a few minutes later, the Celtics' owner seemed similarly confused. Why break these guys up without a really good reason? What's the point?

My thoughts right now exactly--why include any of this in this article? The point?

After the Celtics played a superb game against the Clippers, I came to my own conclusion: "The Celtics are what they are: old, proud, stubborn and (mostly) fun to watch simply because they know each other so well … Leave them alone and the 2012 Boston Celtics will go down swinging. That's all we know, and frankly, that's good enough for me." I flew to Oakland for the Warriors game two nights later, if only because the trade deadline was the following day, and, I mean … not to sound corny, but you never know with this stuff. If this happened to be the last night for the Pierce/Rondo/Garnett/Allen foursome, I wanted to be there.

Bill Simmons, everyman. Regular old John Q. Public. Just a fan like the rest of us. ALSO, DAMMIT DONALD STERLING, YOU RAISED PRICES ON MY SEASON TICKETS BY 6% LAST YEAR! THAT'S FOUR MEALS AT SPAGO, DOWN THE DRAIN!

They prevailed by two behind another throwback KG game (24 points, 11-of-15 shooting), which made little sense because Garnett looked salad-fork-in-the-back-finished as recently as January. I remember when Bird's body broke down (a four-year spiral that started during the '88 Detroit series and crested in the 1992 playoffs, when he could barely move), when McHale's ankles slowly betrayed him (1991), when Parish just couldn't fight off younger leapers anymore (1993). You usually know with these things. You just do.

Unless you're proven wrong, which you usually are. In which case, you'll later point out that really, you knew the opposite of what you knew all along.

And I would have wagered anything that Garnett was more finished than Desperate Housewives.

What?

Guys were jumping over him (shades of Parish), his jumper was flat, and worst of all, he looked absolutely miserable. Like he didn't want to play basketball anymore.

Just like Greg Oden looked that time Bill saw him for four seconds at the ESPYs and used those four seconds to flawlessly predict the future!

Even during his signature staredown/pointing routine before tip-offs at home games, you never felt like his heart was totally in it.

WEEI listeners are writing that one down so they can call in and use it on various Red Sox players throughout the summer.

When his game inexplicably rebounded in February (17.6 PPG, 9.3 RPG, 54% shooting), everyone attributed it to Rivers moving him to center. News flash: Garnett had been playing center since the Perkins trade. Everyone was just pretending otherwise for KG's sake. He's weird about this stuff. It's the same reason Garnett likes to be listed at 6-foot-11 when he's really 7-foot-1, or Tim Duncan always wants to be listed as a forward even though he's been playing center for the past seven years. You don't ask questions with big men; you just do whatever it takes to keep them happy.

Guards, though, guards you can fuck with. Well known fact from the universe of facts Bill Simmons has made up.

You know what really fueled Garnett's resurgence? He's a competitive MF'er. That's really it.

HE'S SOUTHIE TOUGH! What has fueled Andrew Bynum's strong play during the past couple of weeks? Simmons: "STEROIDS, PROBABLY."

The lockout ended, he couldn't get going those first few weeks … and then, suddenly, the "KG is done" talk started, and even worse, opponents started treating him differently. They stared him down after dunks, talked shit to him, accorded him little to no respect.

Strange, considering all the sportsmanship he's demonstrated over the years.

He probably remembered doing the same to Patrick Ewing, Derrick Coleman, Chris Webber or whomever

or pretty much everyone

over the years and thought to himself, I'm not ready to be That Guy yet. The flame started flickering again. As he told WEEI's Paul Flannery two weeks ago, "I hear you all calling me old. I hear you calling me, um, older. Weathered. I'm motivated. It don't really take much to motivate me, man. I'm older in basketball years, but in life I'm thirtysomething."

Jamie Moyer will have what he's having.

The trade deadline passed with Rondo reinvested and Garnett reenergized. You know who else stuck around? The second-leading scorer in Celtics history, Paul Pierce, who stunk in February (16.4 PPG, 39.5% FG) and inadvertently murdered his own trade value.

Every season Simmons accuses four or five players of intentionally playing like shit before the deadline to sabotage their own trade value. Couldn't have been the case with Captain Knifehole though. As Simmons already pointed out, he had no trade value in the first place given his atrocious contract situation.

Remember when New Jersey's bid for Dwight Howard fell through, then they panicked and swapped a top-three protected 2012 pick to Portland for Gerald Wallace, and everyone said, "Wait a second, why would someone give up a top-three protected pick for the third-best player on a sub-.500 team?" Not reported at the time: New Jersey could have landed Pierce for that same pick, only they chose Wallace because he was a full five years younger.

Danny Ainge would never have done that! Instead he'd have paid Shaq to unretire so Shaq could re-retire as a Celtic!

Little did they know no. 34 was slowly morphing into Paul Pierce again: In 23 games since March 2, he's averaging a 22-6-3 with 46/38/85 shooting splits and looking no different than the Pierce from 2008-11. If you're scoring at home, suddenly Pierce, Rondo AND Garnett were playing their best basketball again. But this still-creaky Celtics team wouldn't have morphed into a contender without three other developments.

1. Simmons wearing his lucky Welker jersey during every game

2. The Ewing theory, somehow

3. WE NEED A TOTALLY SWEET TOURNAMENT AMONG THE NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS TO SEE WHO GETS THE #1 PICK! HOW WOULD THIS NOT BE BIGGER THAN THE SUPER BOWL?????

1. The league's six best perimeter defenders right now, in some order, are LeBron, Tony Allen, Andre Iguodala, Shawn Marion, Iman Shumpert and … (drumroll please) … Avery Bradley. You might remember me writing on February 10 that "I watched Trick or Treat Tony for the first five years of his career. I watched [Bruce] Bowen for the first three years of his career. Bradley is just as good of a one-on-one defender as they were at the same point in their careers. All Bradley needs to do is learn how to shoot corner 3s and he'll have a 15-year NBA career and play a significant role for at least one contender. I swear, I'm not going Heinsohn on you."

"Also, fuck the fucking Celtics! I never liked them anyways! Pitchers and catchers report next week!"

So the defense wasn't a shock.But when those jumpers started going in? That was a shock. Doc started playing him. Everything snowballed. Avery started driving to the basket and making plays. Celtics diehards started glancing at each other and saying, "Wait a second, is Avery Bradley good or am I crazy?"

Then they collectively willed the Celtics to home victory after home victory by being the most smartest and knowledgeable fans in the whole BOOOOO KOBE BOOOOO YOU FACKIN' [horribleness]

Near the end of March, Allen missed a few games and inadvertently transformed Bradley's career; with the kid playing 40 minutes a game, suddenly the Celtics were causing turnovers, getting easy fast-break points, locking dudes down and basically wreaking havoc. They haven't played defense like that in three years. And it's contagious. People were taking charges, switching at the perfect time, flying from the weak side to block shots … everything just snowballed.

Teams played during this stretch: Washington, Charlotte, slowly fading Utah, already completely faded Minnesota.

And it happened because of Garnett and Avery Bradley. He's for real. Do I trust the kid defending Rose or Wade in a playoff series? Yes. Yes I do. So there.

/gets bowl of popcorn, waits for Rose or Wade to drop 40 on the Celtics

2. Bradley's coming-out party can be explained — it came down to confidence and minutes. But Stiemsanity? I have no answers.

HE'S GOT THE SPIRIT OF SCALABRINE!

Greg Stiemsma never averaged more than 12 minutes per game in any of his four Big Ten seasons. (Seriously. Look it up.) He bounced around for four solid years after college. He looked decent in the preseason, earned the Tommy Heinsohn Seal of Approval (getting compared to Bill Russell), quickly lost his mojo and seemed headed for a low spot in the All-Time White Celtics Rankings right between Andrew DeClercq and Brett Szabo. Then, Jermaine O'Neal went down, and so did Chris Wilcox … and just like that, the Stiemer was playing 19 minutes a game, blocking shots (he's averaging two a game since the All-Star break), running the floor, making open 15-footers, taking charges, banging bodies and doing everything you'd ever want from a backup center, with the added bonus that Boston fans loved him more than horny middle-aged housewives love Fifty Shades of Grey.

Not really something to hang your hat on.

Does any of this make sense? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It makes no sense whatsoever!

Except for the fact that every year there are guys who come out of nowhere and become decent contributors in the right role on the right team! I think some guy who plays for the Knicks kind of also did it this year. J.J. Barea did it a few years back. If you need to compare Stiemsma to another ugly white guy, Chris Andersen.

Again, he's playing 19 minutes a game in the NBA when he never played more than 12 minutes a game in college. Did I mention that he's doing this with a badly sprained foot? And that he can't practice? And that he was wearing a walking boot for a couple of weeks? Let's just move on before we jinx Stiemsanity.

But even if something went wrong and you DID jinx him, which of course can happen, you could always do a double reverse jinx in a podcast with Seth Meyers, and then a triple security jinx via Twitter just to lock it down.

3. I already made Doc Rivers's case as "Coach of the Year" in last week's column, a moment that gave the Mayans extra conviction that 2012 is going to be their year. But you know what's been even more incredible than Bradley morphing into a young Joe Dumars,

HAHAHAHAHA

Rondo shrugging over trade rumors and somehow raising his game,

A world class athlete felt his greatness questioned, so he elevated his level of play in response? TRULY FLABBERGASTING.

Pierce and Garnett playing like they just flew to Germany with Kobe,

THERE'S your steroids dig. Right team, wrong target.

or Stiemsanity sweeping the nation?

Just like ubuntu swept the nation in 2008! Who could forget?

What about Doc finally (and belatedly, but whatever) figuring out the value of a locked-in playing rotation? Even when they won the 2008 title, Doc was routinely playing 11 guys in one half — he just couldn't grasp the concept of "stick to eight or nine guys, make sure everyone knows their minutes, don't deviate from this" (or as Vinny Del Negro calls it, "The Opposite of What I Do"). Now, you might say Doc didn't have a choice this year — after a few putrid Danny signings,

Ainge on Jeff Green: "Come on! What could go wrong? He's Jeff Green. No, I'm not worried that he failed his physical. I'm a winner."

the Celtics have seven reliable players (Rondo, Pierce, Garnett, Allen, Bradley, Stiemsma and Brandon Bass), with three key bench guys (Jeff Green, Chris Wilcox and Jermaine O'Neal's Corpse) missing and Mickael Pietrus still recuperating from a scary concussion last month. You can't play fewer than eight guys, so Sasha Pavlovic has gotten Pietrus's "Backup Perimeter Guy" minutes by default. But here's the thing about the NBA … you only need eight guys every night.

Everyone take notes, Red Auerbach is giving a free clinic. Christ, I wouldn't trust Simmons to run a hot dog stand.

Just look at how Doc handled Tuesday night's Miami game. Pierce and Rondo played 40 minutes each; Bass played 39; the old guys (Allen and KG) played 35 and 33, respectively; Bradley played 25; Stiemsanity played 20; and Pavlovic played eight. Nobody else played. Doc never had fewer than two of the Pierce/Rondo/Allen/Garnett quartet out there at all times. With Rondo and Pierce sitting in the fourth quarter, Miami made a charge as I was muttering, "Uh-oh … Doc's going to wait two minutes too long … we're about to give this game away … " when BOOM! Doc felt the game slipping and brought back the starters at the 9:30 mark.

Really a questionable onomatopoeia choice for the act of changing your basketball team's lineup.

Allen made a backbreaking three, then Garnett headed down to Bosh's Pit and started swishing old-school KG jumpers — not one, not two, not three (copyright: LeBron), but four in a row! — and before you knew it, the Celtics were ahead by double digits again.

All Doc had to do was tell them to score on every possession! 2012 NBA Title: theirs to lose.

They never really looked back. How are they playing defense this well? Why aren't their jumpers flat anymore? Why is Rondo clicking so well with the vets again? Can they really be peaking during the most brutal part of their schedule (11 games in 15 nights)?

I'm not really sure about those answers...

Are they evolving into this year's version of the '99 Knicks, the late bloomer who meshed at the perfect time and sneaked into the Finals?

But I am about this one: NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! The whole reason the 1999 Knicks made the Finals was that the Eastern Conference was a joke that year! The Heat and the Bulls are abundantly better than the Celtics, regardless of how the Celtics have played the Heat this month. The only way a Heat/Celtics playoff series gets to game 6 is if Wade and LeBron forget to show up for games 4 and 5.

I'm prepared for anything.

He's not at all prepared for disappointment, but you could already tell that.

The players looked like they were drifting apart in January and February; in Miami, they were hugging and slapping palms like a team that (a) totally believed in themselves, and (b) absolutely, unequivocally believed that they were winning that game.

UBUNTU!!!!!

Now, if you're a Miami fan, you come away from that game thinking, That's a fluke loss, there's no way they can shoot 61 percent against us four times in a playoff series. And you'd be right.

There's no way the Celtics can shoot 50 percent against the Heat four times in a playoff series, so yeah, you'd be really right.

But that wasn't the lesson from that game.

Go on...

The Celtics know who they are. It's Year 5. They trust each other. They trust their coach. They trust the three newer guys, and when Pietrus comes back, they'll trust him again, too. They know where to go and what to do. They can score and get stops. They will fight. They will keep coming.

The lesson was apparently "Derpa derp derp Celtics cliche cliche derp." Got it.

What does Miami know about itself? Let's start backward. LeBron and Wade are having superb individual seasons. In the open floor, they rank among the most breathtaking combinations ever (if not no. 1 all-time), but in the half court? It's still "Dueling Banjos," something that hasn't changed since day one.

Miami: 4th in the league in offensive efficiency. Boston: 25th. Either Miami never plays in the halfcourt, or maybe, just maybe, Simmons is talking out of his asshole.

Meanwhile, poor Chris Bosh got eviscerated by Garnett last night, yet another ignominious moment for someone who had already squandered any and all "Big Three" privileges. He's just not that good.

Pierce's 19/5.5/4.5 on 43% shooting: WHAT A WARRIOR! Bosh's 18/8/2 on 49% shooting? TRASH.

Their veterans (Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem and Shane Battier) all peaked three to four years ago, especially the 33-year-old Battier (December's most overrated signing), who can't even crack 35 percent from 3 (all of them wide open, by the way).

HOLY SHIT. Three of Boston's four best players peaked five to six years ago. Wow. That is astonishing cognitive dissonance. I don't care how old Garnett is in real life human years, or whatever terminology he used in that radio interview: he's fucking old. You don't want to bet on him in May and June.

Their 2011 point guard situation is just as messy as 2011's situation; sometimes Mario Chalmers shows up, sometimes he doesn't, and their two rookie backups (Norris Cole and Terrel Harris) can't be trusted. And just last week, Erik Spoelstra benched Joel Anthony for Ronny Turiaf. Yeeesh. So if you're scoring at home, we're less than three weeks from the playoffs and Spoelstra has no idea …A. Which six guys he can trust after LeBron, Wade and (by default) Bosh. B. Which five guys should be finishing every game. Seems like two pretty big questions, no?

I suppose the Heat will just have to keep doing whatever it is that has landed them eight games in front of Boston in the standings, then.

The latest media narrative has been, "Maybe Miami should just play LeBron at point guard," something the numbers back up (especially Tuesday night's stats). Really, the narrative should be, "How the heck does this team not have an identity yet?"

A laughable life preserver of a concept for a desperate fan of a good-not-great team to cling to.

Last night, they played their butts off and STILL lost.

Never happened before in NBA history.

I remember thinking that Boston couldn't beat Miami if LeBron had one of those Mega-LeBron games — you know, 36 points, seven rebounds, seven assists, a couple of fast break dunks/blocks, a couple of 3s, some post-up moves, just one of those games when he's involved — and that's exactly what happened last night. Guess what? They still lost. We'll remember it

Good God, stop. No one is going to look back in any fashion on a non-Christmas NBA regular season game between two teams that were going to make the playoffs no matter what.

as one of the single most meaningful victories of the Three-Year Plan That Lasted Five Years:

Wait for it.

the night Boston officially threw its hat into the 2012 title race.

Sorry if Bill just made you LOL at work.

It doesn't totally make sense,

No, it makes no sense, because they didn't, and they won't, and I'll post an apology if they make the conference finals. Hell, I'll post that apology if they take the conference semifinals past game 5. I'll shut the blog down if they make the Finals. I won't even bother coming up with an imaginary thing to do if they win it all. GMAFB.

but then again, none of this makes sense. Rondo could be playing for the Hornets. Pierce could be stuck on the Nets. Doc could be announcing games with Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy. Bradley could still be buried on the bench. Danny could have panicked right before the deadline and had a fire sale for Garnett and Allen. It's a swollen list of "what ifs," and just about every one of them went Boston's way. At least for now. You never know with those creaky but lovable basketball contenders. We've reached this specific point six other times in Celtics history.

OOOH, SUMMARIZE CELTICS HISTORY FOR ME SOME MORE!

Russell's last two squads ('68 and '69) won consecutive titles while running on fumes. The same thing happened with the last good Havlicek-Cowens team ('76). The last two Bird-McHale-Parish efforts ('91 and '92, two severely underrated teams) fell short because the Legend just couldn't stay healthy. More recently, the 2010 squad came within Perkins's knee injury and Artest's improbable no-no-yes 3 from stealing a championship. Now, the fellas from 2012 are making a run. Nobody saw this coming. And really, that's the single best thing about it.

The best thing about it you thinking they're making a run in the first place. Bill Simmons: making the Lakers and their fans seem like a tolerable bunch of people since 2007.

ESPN is not a meritocracy

Legitimate post coming tomorrow. In the meantime, let's all chuckle at the pumpkinheaded idiot pictured on the right:

I wanted to post a clip of his BBTN appearance from earlier this evening but I couldn't find it. All you really need to know is that he and Karl Ravech (bless that man's soul for having to deal with the Kruks and Fernando Vinas and Schillings of the world) were discussing Brian Wilson's injury, and he (Schilling) pointed out that Bruce Bochy will now have to go with a "bullpen by committee," and Ravech corrected him and pointed out that he must have meant closer by committee, and Schilling agreed and corrected himself, and then eight seconds later went right back to discussing the difficulties associated with managing a bullpen by committee. Then, asked to explain what the loss of Wilson means to the Giants, Schilling said something like

I mean, what he means is everything you just saw right there. The passion. The heart.

when in fact, the viewers had not seen anything related to Wilson leading into the segment. No highlights, no interview footage, no obnoxious Taco Bell commercial. Maybe Schilling was watching one of the above in the minutes leading up to the taping of the segment, and then assumed that all the viewers would have seen the same thing right before the segment aired? In any case, I get that doing TV journalism is probably way harder than most people think it is, but facts are facts: Curt Schilling should be strapped to a rocket and shot into deep space. Or at the very least he shouldn't be allowed on the BBTN set. Maybe let him work the ESPNNews desk between midnight and 5 AM or something.

As for my snarkity snark snark headline, I'm not saying there's anything shocking or inappropriate about the fact that ESPN pays a braindead zilcheroo like Schilling to try to talk about baseball. Just look at who gets paid to talk about football on every outlet that broadcasts it and it's easy to see that all over the sports media world, being a former player is just as useful a career advancement tool as having interesting things to say and knowing how to form complete sentences. But man... Schilling really takes the cake for being uninteresting, unlikeable, and extra stupid.

Three months after starting to follow hockey, I know way more about it than noted hockey writer Bill Simmons

That's about as noteworthy as knowing more about sabermetrics than Joe Morgan, or knowing more about hip hop than Tony Kornheiser. In fact it's no more noteworthy than knowing more than Simmons does about anything besides the NBA. Still, after reading a dogshit piece he wrote for Grantland about the Los Angeles Kings, I couldn't help but smirk. I followed the NHL back when I was in middle school, stopped for almost 15 years, picked it back up this January, and could easily recognize that Simmons was talking out of his colon. Never change, Bill. Never change.

The L.A. Kings blew a chance to clinch their division (and a no. 3 seed) Thursday night, losing a shootout at home to San Jose. Those two teams play again on Saturday night, in San Jose, with the winner getting the no. 3 seed and the loser getting the no. 7 seed. (Late note after we posted:

Leitch and Simmons are the same person! Holy shit, it makes so much sense! It's like I just finished watching Fight Club for the first time!

Apparently Phoenix can win the division as well by winning its last two games.

Late note after I wrote this: my editors informed me that I didn't have all the facts correct. There's a first time for everything, I suppose.

I'm not too concerned because, again, it's Phoenix.)

Phoenix ended up winning those games and the division.

None of this really matters because seeds don't matter in hockey -- anybody can beat anybody anywhere at anytime --

Home teams in game 7s in NHL playoff history: 85-55.

but for the die-hards sitting in my section, it mattered for two reasons.

I love his insinuation that any RATIONAL fan doesn't care whether their team is the 3 seed or the 8 seed. It's only those crazypants lunatics who actually want home ice advantage.

1. The no. 3 seed potentially means an extra playoff game (Game 7, no less). Like everyone else who bought Kings playoff tickets, I wanted that extra game. Badly.

Ah, the perspective of the everyman fan that made Bill famous. I DEMAND THE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY MORE $200 PLAYOFF TICKETS! ALSO, DAVID STERN, YOUR REFUSAL TO MAKE SURE TEAMS PLAY THEIR STAR PLAYERS IN EVERY GAME SPITS IN THE FACE OF THOSE OF US WHO GO TO DOZENS OF GAMES A YEAR! I DID NOT BUY THESE CLIPPERS SEASON TICKETS TO SEE DERRICK ROSE ON THE SIDELINES IN A SUIT! A POX ON YOU!

I was rooting for the Kings like they were a Boston team last night.

Sitting in your section must be super fun.

2. I know this sounds impossible, but in 44 years, the Kings have only captured one division title. They even put up a banner in Staples Center for it. Is there a better way to prove your fans have been tortured than hanging division banners,

Lots of teams that aren't 80+ years old do that. I know it's funny to imagine franchises outside of PEDROIA NATION being excited about regular season success, but it happens.

or even worse, having one of those fans say during a game, "We need to get that banner?" (And yes, I heard someone say that last night.)

Lol what's that guy's problem? What is he, a fan?

So last night's battle against the Sharks felt like a de facto playoff game.

What a shock, considering absolutely nothing was on the line.

You can always judge the chippiness of any hockey game by the number of times after a goalie freezes the puck when an opposing forward does the "go an extra couple of feet and abruptly stops right in front of the goalie just in case the puck falls out" move, then at least one opponent whacks him in the face and they do the whole "Hey, what was that????" staredown/shoving/sarcastic swearing routine.

Hockey, explained by a nine year old pro wrestling fan.

The Kings and Sharks did that after just about every whistle.

And then dad bought us popcorn, but I spilled mine, but it was OK because then we got hot dogs.

Late in the third period, with the Kings pressing on a power play and Jarrett Stoll flying up the ice on a two-on-one, the evil Ryane Clowe (a bearded bully on the Sharks who had already scored a goal and won two fights) broke up the breakaway by deflecting the puck with this stick. This wouldn't have been a big deal except, you know, CLOWE WAS SITTING ON THE BENCH AT THE TIME!!!! Did all four referees miss him doing this? Of course they did. After the 75th time they replayed it on the video screen, everyone knew the Kings would lose because that's just how hockey works — when you get screwed over on something like that, there's no bouncing back.

"That's just how hockey works." - some asshole who is a famous sportswriter because of his super sweet Las Vegas bachelor party tips, his reality TV knowledge, and his ability to repeatedly drop the same tired references from the same five or six movies into columns that use sports as a backdrop for stories about his family

Of course, that wasn't my biggest takeaway from Thursday's game. Like always, the Kings got their asses kicked in all three fights. I grew up watching Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, John Wensink, Wayne Cashman, Al Secord and everyone else on the Big Bad Bruins, a team that fought so much, they even climbed into the MSG stands once to fight Rangers fans. The Bruins always know how to scrap; it's been that way for my entire life, and really, you couldn't have it any other way in Boston.

Last sentence sounds like it was lifted from a Dan Shaugnessy column. May you and him both contract Crohn's disease. ALSO: TOM BRADY STOPPED WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS EVERY YEAR, SO HE'S NOT ONE OF US ANYMORE!

So it's been disorienting to watch the Kings keep getting beaten up. Thursday night, Joe Thornton pounded Drew Doughty so relentlessly that we were watching it the same way Apollo Creed's wife watched the Drago fight.

Wait, what was I just saying about repeatedly dropping in references from the same five or six movies?

Was it a coincidence that the Sharks rallied back from a 3-1 hole after winning those three fights? Maybe, maybe not.

"Was it a coincidence that the Sharks rallied back from a 3-1 hole after winning those three fights? Maybe, maybe not." - some asshole who wrote a 4000 word column about how meaningful it was to hear Coldplay rocking a live show on Hollywood Boulevard the evening of the first Jimmy Kimmel live taping

The Kings have a well-balanced team with an outstanding goalie, and they chase the puck pretty relentlessly (at least lately). But you can push them around, and if you want to make a cheap run at Kopitar, Quick or anyone else, you definitely don't have to worry about someone making you pay. After sitting through half of their home games this season, that's their biggest flaw (that I can see, anyway).

Someone with stronger analytical skills might see that the Kings scored the second fewest goals in the league this season and arrive at a different conclusion, but you could be right. Another strong nominee? Too many division championship banners!

For instance, the Bruins

"Let me tell you about my night at the Kings/Sharks game. For instance, the Bruins [robble robble robble]" - some asshole who has about 50 million Twitter followers hanging on his every word just in case he drops a hot gambling tip, and who also routinely finishes under .500 against the spread in picking NFL games over the course of a season

Nobody captures their identity better than Dustin Penner, their frustrating 6-foot-3 forward who's evolved into something of a whipping boy for the Kings faithful. One of the biggest guys on the team, Penner barely throws checks, much less punches. Every time he wades into the corner and goes through the motions of not hitting someone, you hear this chorus of pissed-off "COME ON, PENNER!" hisses coming from every direction. I always want him to do well, just because it's funny when he scores and the fans instantly flip that switch and pretend to be Penner fans again. But if you're trying to win the Cup? You need less Penners and more Ryane Clowe.

Clowe has played his whole career in San Jose. During that time (the last six seasons) they have made the playoffs every season, and twice been the #1 seed in the West. They've also never gotten closer to the Cup than last year's 4-1 conference finals loss. In 2009 they won the President's Trophy and promptly lost in six games in the first round. Not to say it's Clowe's fault or something, I just thought Bill's analysis was funny.

You know who summed it up best? My 6-year old daughter,

Of course she did! I knew we weren't going to get through the whole article without hearing about some poor sap who has to spend time with Bill because they have the same blood.

who has somehow attended a whopping 14 Kings games this season and wants to marry Anze Kopitar. (I wish I were making that up.)

Brendan Fraser is offended on Kopitar's behalf.

We were watching the Zamboni drive around between the second and third periods last night when she suddenly piped up, "Hey, daddy, why doesn't someone teach the Kings how to fight?" Let's hope that doesn't become the epitaph for their 2012 season.

The real story if that ends up happening? Not enough Bruins on the team.

YOU'RE LUCKY MORRIS CLAIBORNE EVEN TOOK THE WONDERLIC FOR YOU BASTARDS

You're welcome for the five year old pop culture reference. My 15th podcast of the year with Cousin Sal will be out on Thursday. Anyways, some goon from Foxsports.com is not happy that Claiborne's dreadful Wonderlic score got leaked. Now, is his obvious inability to answer basic logic and math questions under timed conditions the most hilarious thing of all time? No, monkeys dressed as astronauts are. But is it worth a little bit of snark? Of course. When the test creators supposedly say you need to get a 10 to be classified as illiterate, a 4 is... well, it's not good. The guy doesn't deserve to be excoriated for it but I think the situation is worth a few chuckles, especially since 1) he's probably already a professional athlete, given that he goes to LSU, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT, and 2) he's about to be a top 10 draft pick. But Foxsports dude doesn't agree with that sentiment. Boy does he ever not.

(FWIW, I don't really buy this below 10 = illiterate thing, unless there are somehow a decent number of questions on the exam that don't include any words. I guess you could say that someone guessing all As or all Bs or whatever can get a 10, and Claiborne couldn't meet that, but let's cut the guy some slack, I'm sure he can read. LITERALLY.)

Anyways, let's the mitigating information out of the way first.

[Claiborne] also has a learning disability.

According to Greg Gabriel at the National Football Post, Claiborne’s disability — though not specified— isn’t a secret around the league. When he was recruited out of high school, it was made clear to the various big-time college programs courting him that he’d need academic advisors and assistance in the classroom once he selected a school.

Fortunately he chose a school that doesn't require athletes to visit places like classrooms and advisors' offices. Although more power to him if he chose to do so.

After deciding to attend LSU, Claiborne didn’t fade away and let the rigors of the college environment swallow him whole. He worked with tutors and utilized LSU’s various on-campus learning resources to get the grades he needed to stay academically eligible and compete.

So there you go. Good on him. He's got a disability, he works with it, he's tried hard to be a good student. Still, he got like the lowest Wonderlic score ever. Ever. Even Vince Young out-tested this guy. So with all the background bullshit out of the way let's get to the Chris Crocker stuff.

The real issue is that the report was even leaked at all. Whether true or false, it’s a nefarious act

Whoa. Ease up, 1860s newspaper writer describing the Lincoln assassination.

from an individual or individuals who clearly have some incentives to damage a young man.

Or an individual or individuals who are just being low-level jerks by relaying a part sad/part hilarious piece of information to the public.

Did the score come from a team that wants to draft Claiborne and thought the information would stray another team away from doing so?

Could've.

Or was it from an agent trying to better position his own client, potentially a top cornerback, himself?

Also could've. Do we want to stick with "nefarious?" Are "dastardly" or "opprobrious" still available?

You’ll drive yourself crazy playing Andy Sipowicz trying to figure that one out.

If it's one of those two things, which seems plausible if not likely, it's a little shady but not surprising given the stakes of the draft. And definitely not worth shitting your shorts over.

But we should know.

We should have the name of the tough guy

I doubt this person thinks they're tough. They probably think they're a hilarious troll.

who went public with information that’s supposed to be highly confidential.

HE SHOULD BE MADE TO FACE JUSTICE FOR HIS NON-CRIME

The NFL conducts these tests in what are described as highly secure environments.

Read: some emptied-out equipment room in Lucas Oil Stadium with a few folding tables set up.

The results are not intended to be leaked. And yet, here we are today, and Claiborne’s woeful Wonderlic is the biggest football headline of the day.

And yet, the Earth continues to spin on its axis while rotating the sun.

The truth is, Claiborne’s score won’t impact his draft stock in April. I assure you that he’ll be the first cornerback taken in the draft, regardless of how he performed with a No. 2 pencil in Indy.

I misrepresented things when I said this guy was acting like Chris Crocker- he's acting half like Chris Crocker and half like Claiborne's mom.

He’ll get over it. He’ll use it as motivation. He’ll come out angry and he’ll have a fine NFL career. This will all be forgotten and five years from now, the same message board commenters that were mocking him today will be wearing his jersey and selling his game-used mouth guard on eBay.

Probably not.

But the slime that sheepishly — and worse off, anonymously — shared his score with a media outlet will never have to deal with it.

Holy shit, who cares? I bet Claiborne doesn't. (Earlier in the article there is a paragraph about how Claiborne defended himself on Twitter in a calm, humorous, and light hearted fashion.) I know I certainly don't.

He’ll continue to sit on his computer

I BET HE'S ONE OF THOSE COMPUTER PEOPLE WHO LIKES COMPUTERS! THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHENANIGANS THEY PULL!

behind a desk and just know that he made a good kid feel bad today.

He's about to get like $10MM in guaranteed money. I think he's OK with things, especially if his disability is known throughout the league already.

He’ll know that he leaked a kid with a learning disability’s standardized test score to the world without providing any of the context that should have gone along with it.

HOW DARE HE NOT ALSO MENTION ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE EVER GONE WRONG FOR CLAIBORNE TOO, LIKE THE FACT THAT HE WAS FEELING KIND OF GASSY DURING THE TEST AND THAT HE WAS BUMMED OUT AT THE COMBINE BECAUSE HE LOST HIS CELL PHONE THE WEEKEND BEFORE?

He’ll sleep fine and likely won’t have to face any repercussions.

But I wish he would.

We got it, thanks.

Roger Goodell’s all about security and the purity of the game. His stance on Bountygate was aggressive and firm. If the NFL is going to ask its draft prospects to take an exam under the assumption that the results won’t be made public, they should honor that agreement. Otherwise, why would any of these kids even bother?

That's great stuff. I'd do the multiple copy and paste thing but I'm tired and it's late. But just to summarize: league office's harsh stance on players allegedly trying to injure other players means league is hypocritical if it doesn't do a better job of safeguarding written test scores. Spectacular. I hope more shitty football writers try to lump anything that goes slightly wrong in the NFL this season into the bounty scandal. "Sure the league PRETENDS to care about safety when Brett Favre's ankles are involved, but where is the justice for Chargers fan Bob Q. Smith, who had half a beer dumped on him while watching his team play in Oakland? IT AIN'T RIGHT."

Morris Claiborne could have walked out of that room and said, “I’ll be a top-10 pick regardless of what I score on this. What’s the point?” Hell, if his score’s going to be discussed on SportsCenter three weeks before the draft, he should have done that.

What? What are we talking about?

If you’re going to hold these kids responsible and ask them to honor their end of the pre-draft process, you should hold all parties responsible for it, too.

Including people who circumvented what was likely a lax security process and made a day's worth of headlines by leaking an awesome player's abominable score!

Maybe I’m getting too worked up over this.

No, I think you're pretty much being rational and measured about it. Sincerely, people who bitch endlessly about instant replay in MLB.

Look, I'm not trying to be Jemele Hill here

By which I mean I'm not going out of my way to be a race baiter. I promise. I just think this crap sandwich by Jon Heyman is pathetic/funny when you consider the race of the subject. Who do you think he's talking about here? (Full disclosure: these are just pieces and parts of the article. Heyman is a bad writer, but he's so bad as to have written this as a complete piece.)

The first things you notice about [player] are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

"He's fun to watch," [team executive] says. "He's extremely athletic."

[Player's father, a former MLB player] is remarkably humble and courteous, just like [player], who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, so that last one might have given it away. It's Dee Gordon, the Dodgers' rookie shortstop, who happens to be black. Can you imagine anyone writing a puff piece about a white player with this stuff in it? Let's look again.

The first things you notice about Gordon are the velocity and the courtesy. The kid is as quick as they come, and he's so polite it stops you.

He's SOOO well-spoken! Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: The first thing you notice is that he's a back-slapping fun friendly good ol' boy!

Some scouts weren't easily convinced [player] would make it because he's so slightly built (he claims to be 5-foot-11 and 161 pounds, 11 pounds more than his listed weight). They wonder if he can make it through a 162-game schedule as the majors' lightest starting middle infielder (or any player, for that matter). But this kid is strong, mentally and physically, everyone who knows him agrees.

He's a little small, but he's super strong. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: He's tiny, he's undersized, in fact he is the smallest person on Earth. He's been told his whole life that he doesn't belong here. But's overcome the odds with only one tool: HEARTGRITSCRAP.

The only knock is the lack of power you'd expect from the game's lightest player.

Why can't he hit more home runs? Barry Bonds hit lots of home runs. Corresponding analysis a mouthbreathing sportswriter would provide if Gordon were white: His SLG and AVG are usually identical, but that's how he helps the team. By hitting lots of singles so as to create more bunt opportunities for his teammates. If only he were able to bunt himself over, he'd be my vote for MVP.

"He's fun to watch," Watson says. "He's extremely athletic."

He's a physical specimen. He's fast and strong. Corresponding analysis for a white player with the same skillset: He plays the game the right way. With grit. With dirt on his jersey. Without calling attention to himself. All while reminding of me, when I made my high school varsity team. OK, junior varsity.

Flash is remarkably humble and courteous, just like Dee, who calls coaches, reporters and his bosses "sir."

OK, you know what, since I'm trying not to be too Jemele-ish here, I'm not even going to touch that one.

LOLZZZ

Good to see that the front page of the self-proclaimed World Wide Leader in Sports now features a piece by the Larry B-proclaimed most useless (sort of kind of but not really) writer in sports. The parenthetical in that last sentence refers to Klosterman sort of kind of but not really being a sportswriter, not him sort of kind of but not really being useless; he is most definitely useless.

This is great. This is like the Wall Street Journal publishing a front page op-ed by Bill Simmons on the state of the housing market. "See, the current refinancing market is kind of like the 2003 Red Sox, if Andy Dufrense took Grad Little's place and my dad were talking with Basketball Jesus about how he might look back on the situation ten years from now."

With each passing day, ESPN gets further and further from anything that could be called a sports outlet by anyone with a brain.