Sorry for the hiatus, buddies. I'll get back to my once a week substantive posting soon. Maybe even tomorrow! Maybe! Probably not. Maybe Sunday night. Anyways, I mean, how could I not? Good news, everyone--Simmons has got this NFL gambling thing FIGURED OUT. That shit is now LOCKED DOWN FOLKS, as he explained in a column from early in the month that's so riddled with stupidity that it might cause you to unlearn how to read as you're trying to it.
I'm extremely excited to break down that column, and in fact, it's better that I'll be doing it three-plus weeks into the NFL season. We can look at Bill's ATS picks so far and see just how well his new system is working. Odds are that he will be 1) not actually following his system, because there is no system, because the 17 rules contain so many internal contradictions that they only way to adhere to them would be to put money on both sides of every game, and 2) doing horribly, because he's been doing horribly at this for the past however many years.
ANYHOO, tonight, while not writing the Simmons post I was just talking about writing, I was watching some baseball. The Royals TV guys were talking about tonight's exciting FSN Kansas City fan poll sponsored by Sprint, Ford, Pepsi, Coors, and whatever it is that fat Missourians eat. The topic was strong outfield arms--who had the strongest one during the last fifty years? There were four options: Jesse Barfield, Vlad Guerrero, Roberto Clemente and Raul Mondesi. It's a goddamn crime that Larry Walker wasn't an option, but anyways, Vladdy Daddy actually beat out Bobby C. I have no idea what the right answer is (it's Larry Walker), but this caused the announcers to talk about how awesome all of the four guys were. Then one of them says:
Guerrero threw the ball like he swung the bat. Wild. Big cuts. On the fly. Never wanted to hit a cutoff man.
With a bat? Jesus, I hope not. That will get you suspended for sure.
Look, I get that this is nitpicky, but this is also a segment that the talky talk TV guys (whose only job is to talky talk for like 3 hours a day, 162 days a year) basically had time to rehearse. It's not like the guy flubbed his analysis during the middle of unpredictable and exciting game action, like, I don't know, this guy. There was a pitching change going on. The poll results were displayed. The options had probably been displayed a couple innings earlier, encouraging dumb fans who want SMS spam to TEXT IN WITH THEIR VOTES! They had a few seconds to talk about how Guerrero won, but the other guys were great too. And then this dude wanders off down a tangent and ends up sounding like a jackass.
OK, I'm nitpicking. I felt bad because I hadn't posted in a while. I'll start that Simmons bullshit tomorrow or this weekend.