I should have done this post back on Tuesday when I took the screen cap, but fuck it, it's still relevant so I'll do it now. Here's the ESPN front page as of Tuesday morning:
First of all, before we get to the main event, let's look at the undercard that is the four "sub front page" stories on the bottom.
Going from left to right: NCAA women's basketball, which is front page news the day after MLB opening day, while the NBA and NHL are approaching the end of the regular season. I wonder why this is here? Could it be because ESPN televises NCAAW tournament games? Nah, no way, couldn't be. I was promised by John Skipper (or some other piece of cat shit high powered ESPN decision maker, I'm not going to look up exactly who it was right now but I'm pretty sure it was Skipper) in "Those Guys Have All the Fun" that's ESPN's editorial decisionmaking process is COMPLETELY REMOVED from its business side. So therefore, I guess NCAAW is on there with the same number of panels/stories as MLB because it's editorially important to cover it, right? And I guess the NHL just really isn't editorially important at all. Not that I give a shit whether ESPN enables obnoxious NHL fanboys (who are the worst fans this side of obnoxious soccer fanboys) by giving the fanboys' sport the attention the fanboys think it deserves, but come on. Fucking women's basketball? Fuck that. Fuck.
Next: Turmoil in Indy. Wow, holy hell! It's a story about a team that isn't the Heat, Knicks, Bulls or Lakers! And it appears to be about how they're doing on the court and what challenges they might face as they move towards the playoffs! Wild stuff. I'm shocked. ESPN management is aware of the relatively low number of people who live in Indy and/or follow the Pacers, right?
Next: Final Four. It's the week before the Final Four. Sounds like news to me.
Finally: "Critical of Kobe." I don't know what this is and I don't give a fuck. He hasn't played a meaningful game in a year. I don't care what he Tweeted about what someone wrote about what he Tweeted, or whatever the fuck is being addressed here. This is tabloid garbage and it does not belong on the front page, or anywhere else.
OK, enough of that. I should just be happy the entire front page isn't NFL draft. IT'S ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY, GUYS. WHO'S GOING TO GO #1 OVERALL? I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTS. Fuck the NFL draft. Anyways, here's the reason I decided to write this post in the first place.
Mike Trout is really awesome. He's the best player in baseball. When he signs a gigantic contract extension, that's very important news. However, he signed that contract on Friday night. In the world of 24 hour sports news, it's ancient history by Tuesday morning. It would have been ancient history even if Monday weren't opening day, i.e. the day on which a bunch of teams played their first game and lots of cool stuff happened. Now, Mike Trout hit a home run on Monday night, which is pretty cool. But his team still got their shit kicked in by the Mariners. They lost 10-3. But that doesn't even get mentioned in the subheadline. It's only in the title of one of the links. To be clear: I am not a Mariners fan. I don't give a pot of piss about the Mariners. I am not whining about this because I feel like the Mariners have been disrespected here. As you can see from the highlighted box on the score ticker at the top of the screen capture, I am a Rockies fan. God, do the Rockies suck. Anyways.
So, the Mariners beat the Angels on Monday night. Lots of other baseball stuff happened too. What is ESPN's angle? Well, since ESPN is more interested in promoting marketable personalities (WHO'S NOW???? IS JOHNNY FOOTBALL NOW? I'M PRETTY SURE HE IS NOW) than covering sports, the angle becomes: Mike Trout hit a home run. But Mike Trout's home run was pretty unimportant. It was a long ways away from being the most important thing to happen in this game, and this game was definitely not the night's most entertaining. Thus: this home run isn't really news, unless you're some shithead who cares more about stories and narratives than about sports. Unfortunately, that's exactly who ESPN caters to.
ESPN is awful. Please stop watching ESPN, people. I have, except for live MLB and NBA broadcasts, and with the MLB ones I mute the TV. (Their NBA announcers are kind of good though!) Reading ESPN.com is not as bad as watching the network, but it's still terrible. What do they offer that another major content provider that is 10% less horrible doesn't? If you think the answer isn't "Nothing," you are wrong. Just go to CBS or FoxSports or the actual home page of whatever league/sport you like to follow. You won't regret it! Oh, and if you use ESPN ScoreCenter on your phone, please stop. That app was OK a couple years ago but it's horrendous now. You're going to laugh at this suggestion, but I stand behind it. Hear me out. Delete ScoreCenter now and download TeamStream. Yes, TeamStream is from Bleacher Report. No, I do not go to Bleacher Report's website. No, I do not respect Bleacher Report. But damn, that is one fine app. Seriously. Try it.
In conclusion: fuck ESPN in the nose.