Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Argument Rick Reilly is Actually Making

Rick Reilly, in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to boost pageviews, recently took on the totally exciting topic of why them damn Irish get those mean ol' TV deals and BCS exemptions. Though that question can easily and succinctly be answered with, "Because of free market economics, you douchebag," I think I'm going to take a different tack and put words directly in Reilly mouth.

Since people like Gregg Easterbrook always manage to mine hilarity out of fake conversations, here's an imagined soliloquy from Rick as he devises his brilliant column.

ACT V, SCENE IV

A dark bedroom, lined with posters of middle-aged golfers from the mid-90's and an "A Beautiful Mind"-like bulletin board with a detailed mapping of all the different threads leading from Sammy Sosa to an ominous picture of a syringe.

A goofy looking man sits in front of a typewriter by candlelight poring over his notes. He is RICK REILLY, awesome writer extraordinaire!

RICK REILLY:

It's all here! My unified argument that is definitely not generated solely to draw meaningless trolling pageviews! But let me distill my argument to its simplest terms:

1.) There is an entity, you see. I consider them a Rollicking wReck of a football team, so for shorthand, let's refer to this entity as RR. This entity, henceforth referred to as RR is in fact Notre Dame football, so when I say RR I mean Notre Dame football.

2.) Now, RR was once very great at what RR does for a living. Now RR is considered by many to be vastly overrated and uninspired. Given how low public opinion is of the quality of RR's work, I find it reprehensible that RR would take a big money deal that no one (outside of the businesses which make money off RR's deal) thinks is a meritorious deal.

3.) If RR had any dignity, RR would give back its lucrative contract, rumored to be in the 7 figures (or perhaps more) since anyone who has witnessed RR's work thinks that the days when RR deserved that kind of money are long since past, and in fact in the environment of RR's profession, RR is considered one of the most inept at what RR does for a fucking living, and in fact RR has become given to rehashing in blatant terms--plagiarising even--what once made RR successful.

4.) I also fault the entities that gave RR RR's contract, NBC and the BCS. Since they collectively are Elitist Sports Pandering Noodlers, let's call these entities ESPN. How pathetic of ESPN to give RR a huge contract when it's clear that RR is incapable of doing anything close to what made RR famous. Shame on ESPN. What is ESPN, retarded?

5.) Also, given that what RR does could be considered Jilting the Over/Under, Regularly Not Appearing Lively In Sports Media, we will henceforth refer to RR's endeavors as JOURNALISM

6.) It is clear based on ESPN's contract with RR, that ESPN knows nothing about JOURNALISM since they are paying RR a lot of money to be terrible at it.

Rick begins to type furiously at his typewriter. A symphony of clicks and clacks erupts for minutes and then stops abruptly.

RICK REILLY:

All done! A masterpiece of coherent logical thought! Now I just need to add a dozen or so terrible puns and we'll be ready for print!

End scene

5 comments:

Larry B said...

Wait, is RR short for Rick Reilly? I'm confused

Biggus Rickus said...

I see what you did there.

CHart said...

JOURNALISN.

Post ruined.

Chris W said...

CURSE YOU, ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Cs said...

Marvelous