Larry B finally posts about Tim Tebow finally tweeting to Philip Humber

Big thanks to the anonymous/Anonymous who left this link in the comments to the last post.  That's a more or less foolproof way to make sure I'm aware of any sportswriting dumbfuckery you seven readers stumble across.  I check the firejaymariotti@gmail.com account about once every three months (give or take), but I check the comments to my most recent post about once every 15 minutes because I'm an insecure, self-centered twat.  So cheers to you, a/Anonymous.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Philip Humber finally received a tweet from New York Jets quarterbackTim Tebow on Saturday.

I love the editorialist insertion of "finally" by this ESPNChicago.com writer.  "Tim Tebow uses the internet to get in touch with Philip Humber" is a completely and utterly worthless story based on facts.  "Tim Tebow uses the internet to get in touch with Philip Humber AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME" is a completely and utterly worthless opinion piece based on facts.  Way more infuriating.

All Humber had to do was throw a perfect game.

Finally!  A plan to get Tebow's attention that really works!  /stops picketing abortion clinic, walks home with chin on chest as sad Charlie Brown music plays

"Congrats @Philip_Humber on accomplishing one of the greatest feats in all of sports! #PerfectGame," Tebow tweeted.

TELL ME MORE!  

"Tim Tebow tweeted me," Humber said Monday on "The Waddle & Silvy Show" on ESPN 1000. "The funny thing about that is I tweeted him this offseason, and of course he's Tim Tebow and I'm Philip Humber ... compared to him I'm a nobody, but I didn't get a response. I was like, 'Aw man,' I was kind of hoping he'd tweet me back or something.'"

HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE A COPPOLA SCREENPLAY!

Tebow was soliciting a $1 donation toward the Tebow Foundation children's hospital in the Philippines. Humber retweeted it on Nov. 29 and replied: "I'm heading to Philippines next week with a group of baseball guys... Making a stop in Mindanao! God bless."

And really, I shit you not, this goes on for like another ten sentences.  They talk about a different time that Humber tweeted Tebow, and then surprise, bitch!  Justin Verlander and Mark Buehrle make cameo appearances.  All in all I'd say this is the most worthless article in the history of sportswriting except that I hesitate to call it an article.  It's really more like a half page featurette that belongs in a gossip magazine, accompanied by big shiny photos and flashy graphics.  

Real post covering Simmons's mailbag coming tomorrow.  In the meantime, keep in mind that to win in the NHL playoffs, you need more Ryan Clowes and fewer Dustin Penners.

PS as I'm writing this Sportscenter is doing a slow motion/freeze frame analysis of Mark Sanchez trying (unsuccessfully) to dunk during Knicks/Clippers warmups at Madison Square Garden.  The Worldwide Leader in Sports, people.  Savor it while it lasts.