Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I have a Simmons post waiting in the wings, I promise

It'll be ready in a hot minute (or 24 hot hours). In the meantime, since I'm low on sleep and creativity, let's continue to beat this long-dead "ESPN is a fucking tabloid" horse into unrecognizable smithereens. I only write 1.5 posts a week and something from this topic area is usually one of them, true, but take a look at their front page news stories as of Tuesday night:

Five of those eleven stories can be best characterized as omgDRAMAwaittilyouhearTHIS. God only knows why they didn't have the Quinn/Tebow dogshit up there; probably because CBS or NBC owns GQ or something. Man, that list just blows my mind. As Jack M put it, that Lin/Humphries story is the Pentagon Papers of sports news, isn't it? Engaging. Captivating. Relevant to each and every American. (And yes, it is what you think: sound bites from Humphries explaining that Lin told him he's a good player and to ignore the thousands of fuckwits that boo him everywhere he goes.)

Meanwhile, in BizzaroBristol CBS, FOX/MSN, and CNNSI were rolling out a lineup that was actually mostly about sports. What a mindfuck.

By my count that's 26 of 33 headlines about actual, like, stuff, that's like, happening and kinda sorta matters. Who reads that shit? Stop teasing me with substantive news and give me the good shit. Has Jeremy Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod recently? Has LeBron tweeted anything about what Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod? Has Big Papi flipped his bat at spring training yet? TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT PITTSBURGH'S FAVORITE OAF/RAPIST IS GETTING CALLS FROM HIS NEW COORDINATOR IN MID FEBRUARY. IF THEY DON'T BUILD THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW HOW ARE THEY GOING TO WIN ANY PREPREPREPRESEASON GAMES?

My laziness and inability to write a quality post this week is eclipsed only by my disdain for everything that is ESPN. And do I visit several times a day? Of course I do. Because I'm a fucking sheep. Man, I hate everything right now.

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