The Writing on the MLB Network: So Bad

So tonight I got home from my job tryna discipline kids at a Catholic school and was sort of frustrated because a couple of them had acted like jackasses and all. So I came home, in the kind of mood that I would cuss at my dog if I had a dog. I was in one surly-ass mood.

I turned on the MLB Network's Top 75 plays of 2000-2009, and everything got better. Not because of the quality of the writing (the opening monologue referenced Snuggies), but because of the groantastic puns listed to title each play. Here are some of the gems:

• A barehanded over-the shoulder catch became "The [David] Wright Stuff". No doubt most baseball fans are also Tom Wolfe fans. Also noteworthy: the Mets' announcer, after seeing the catch, yelled "What the Kevin Mitchell?"
• One great outfield catch was labeled "Good Will [Torii] Hunter", because Torii Hunter has a lot in common with the one guy from that one movie.
  
• A Red Sox outfielder's catch became the "Tip of the [Gabe] Kapler", ostensibly because Mr. Kapler's alleged steroid use enlarged his head so that his hat couldn't wear it straight.
  
• Some kind of important home run for a thirteen-team pinch-hitter became "[Matt] Stairs’ Way to Heaven".
  
• At the outset of the show, I had jokingly made my Mets-fan roommate promise to finish his drink if a certain journeyman Mets outfielder happened upon the show. Sure enough, we had to take shots of SoCo because "Benny [Agabayani] and the Mets" made an appearance on the list for his 2000 Game 3 NLDS walkoff

That's all I've got. I'll be back someday to post again.