I thought we should just have a standard template for how to produce our blog posts here, so here's the basics on how do to what we do. Don't try this at home, kids!
FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 1: Story with ridiculous headline.
Snakes on a different plane since Dunn's arrival
What? Oh, how witty! "Plane" can mean both a flying vehicle and a geometric concept! And it was a crazzzy movie involving Samuel L. Jackson, summer blockbusters and questionable ironies! I have had it up to here with these cottonpicking pop culture references I found on this cottonpicking blog! [Blogger's note: click on that link for hilarity.]
FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 2: Make fun of the writer.
Scott Miller, this is your seventh time getting served on this site - you're no Jay Mariotti or Jemele Hill, but you're creeping up the list. This post dates from Larry B's pre-capital letters era, but it's no less incisive at your incredible stupidity. I even found an old bit I wrote shortly after this blog even started, where you un-ironically dropped the phrase "True Yankee". "Senior Writer" my ass!
FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 3: Point out writer's abuse of simple baseball metrics:
Since his arrival on Aug. 12, the Diamondbacks have gone 7-5 -- and yet doubled their NL West lead on the Dodgers, from 1½ games to three.So... the Dodgers' recent spell of below .500 baseball can be directly attributed to the influence of Adam Dunn?
FireJarMariotti Blogpost Part 4: Blatantly expose writer's affection for baseball "intangibles" and devalue the writer's article as a result.
Interesting stuff, especially when measured against Dodgers coach Larry Bowa's anger at the team's blasé ways while getting swept in Philadelphia, and when measured against one scout's observation the other day that Matt Kemp, who always hustles, didn't run hard to first in a recent game. The haphazard influence of Manny Ramirez?
Anecdotal evidence, to be sure, and definitely not fair to attach it to Ramirez. But worth watching as the Diamondbacks and Dodgers race -- or, in this division, leisurely jog -- down the stretch.
If it's "definitely not fair" to attach it to Ramirez, why did you just do that, Scott?
Also, I'm pretty sure Manny's 1.235 (!) OPS for the Dodgers so far is a LOT MORE HELPFUL than Matt Kemp, who always hustles, hustling out a routine grounder.
FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 5: Harp on the writer's word choice - choosing even as small a sample as ONE WORD to demonstrate how the writer is a complete idiot.
But for a young lineup still learning how good it can be, it's a whole lot easier to put theories into action when a slugger such as Dunn lurks in the middle and guys like Reynolds no longer feel like they need to stop in a telephone booth on the way to the plate and change into Superman.Adam Dunn has never lurked anywhere, since he's 6'6". His nickname is "Big Donkey". Also, when you go to a baseball game, they post the lineup on the big scoreboard in bright lights, so everyone in the stadium, even the other team!, knows exactly when Adam Dunn is going to bat.
Also, this Mark Reynolds guy sounds pretty weird.
FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 6: Discuss blogger's personal opinion and conclude with a parting one-liner.
I miss Adam Dunn in Cincinnati. The Reds are running a AAA outfield out there ever day, and I miss Adam Dunn's pretty impressive production. I find it hilarious that the very things for which Dunn was excoriated in Cincinnati:
- a laid-back attitude
- a predilection for walks that allegedly prevents him from driving in runs
- lack of leadership in the clubhouse
Not his .995 OPS. That has nothing to do with it.
JD (New York): Now that Jay Mariotti has quit, do you plan on getting him rehired so that they can fire him (a la the URL)? Or do you plan on focusing your mission on his Around the Horn hijinks?
ReplyDeleteYeah, it would really tickle us if he got rehired somewhere. Specifically: here. He can join up with us anytime he wants. He can be Jaybird, or Jay M (maybe a little too close to Jack M), or maybe BlizzardHater. Could be a lot of fun... ironic fun.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, we would fire him as soon as he got comfortable.
dan-bob, this is scary. I thought of doing this exact same format with the Filip Bondy post. No joke.
ReplyDeleteAlso, shameless plug, we're #7 on SI's media circus list! Go to si.com and click on Richard Deitsch's article. We're on the same list as Roger Ebert!
"that's why Adam Dunn is carrying the D-backs are going to the playoffs."
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this typo I envisioned a teenage mongoliod, with a cleft lip and a unibrow, wearing a Packers jersey, moaning this sentence while banging his head against a giant tub of yellow pudding.
Maybe you can hire Mariotti as a proofreader? ;)
His editor, Jeffrey Conway, does all the work for him. Or should I say "did"?
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely "did".
I completely failed to tie up Jeffrey's role in the "Jay quits" story.
So the main difference between, say, Manny Ramirez and David Eckstein isn't that Manny's OPS is about five hundred points higher. It's that his laziness rubs off on feisty hustlers like Matt Kemp, whereas Eckstein would've radiated pure grit and caused Matt Kemp to run even harder to first on routine grounders.
ReplyDeleteOh sorry, was I supposed to be talking about burritos and yellow rice?
Ogronitude: fixed. Thanks for the heads-up.
ReplyDelete"Also, I'm pretty sure Manny's .900 OPS for the Dodgers so far is a LOT MORE HELPFUL than Matt Kemp, who always hustles, hustling out a routine grounder."
ReplyDelete1.235 OPS for the Dodgers so far.
He's doing this:
.407/.500/.735 in 134 PA, w/ 10 HR (and 29 RBI, for people who care about those things)
What a jerk! WHY CAN'T HE HUSTLE, LIKE LITTLE DAVID ECKSTEINER?
Dear gentlemen,
ReplyDeletePlease write and article laying waste Dusty Pedroia's claim to the MVP.
I would do it myself, but here I've already asked you.
Warmly,
----------------->
I'll put it on my weekend schedule, X, but only because you asked nicely.
ReplyDeleteThx Jones - I mistakenly added his BA to his OBP. Well, he's BP'ing .900!
ReplyDeleteThis post was sloppy, apparently. Shame on me.
Sadly, I think Dustin Pedroia's claim to the MVP is legitimate with Quentin and Longoria out of the picture. Unless we're giving it to the best hitter, in which case Grady Sizemore should get it. Unless we're giving it to the best player, in which case Cliff Lee should get it.
ReplyDeleteit was TCQ's MVP to lose, just as long as he didn't, like, slam his bat down and break his wrist or anything.
ReplyDeleteNow I fear we'll have Josh Hamilton win it, making him the least deserving MVP since Justin Morneau in 2006
this was sloppy dan-bob -- did you write this after going to gloria's?
ReplyDeleteFIRE TRAVIS.COM
One would surmise, given the amount of time dan-bob has to focus on posting, that it would be free of errors. You'd think some bayou catholic school sophomore proofread this work. Or bought it from a website to turn in as a summer reading assignment.
ReplyDeletekclock. I blame you and Terelli.
ReplyDeleteah: I blame evil aliens.
I NEED AN EDITOR!