You Talk, We Listen

This is going to be so meta- let's review comments from Friday's post. If you don't like how I address your concerns, feel free to kiss my pasty white ass. And what I said on Friday about this not leading to any improvements for the blog still holds true. I just wanted a chance to make some cheap jokes.

Archie says-

You know what I hate? I hate all the fucking applications. What was wrong with the site when it was a simple, user-friendly tool for social networking? Nowadays, I can't read a single post without being barraged with asinine games and personality quizzes.

Those applications are the only way we make money off this thing, which, of course, is our ultimate goal. You'd be surprised at how many people are playing the Gene Wojceichowski Zombie Hunt you reference. If you're only in it for the networking, that's fine, but you're not exactly helping us make it big.

Only semi-legit complaint I've got is that I'd love to know who "won" last week's reader participation.

Forgot to do that on Monday. I'll announce it at the end of this post, along with this week's winner. Hint: it's not you. Or is it?

Seriously, this is a great site. If you really want me to roast you guys, I guess I can do it,

Wow. Talk about picking on the low hanging fruit.

Jones points out-

Well... [guy from that other site] is Mose Schrute, and you're not.

PNoles already made a similar joke, but how do you know we're not cast members of a different TV show? What if I told you I was (deep, throaty FOX promotional guy voice) Hooouuuuuuse?

CS chimes in-

And on that note, this blog needs more professional television writers.

It would be great if we could pull off having jobs like that, but, you know... the whole parents' basement thing.

Matt has a legitimate complaint-

I hate the way your telemarketers call me at dinner time like 3x a week to try to upsell me on additional services. I'm already a satisfied customer of your blog, so: what the fuck? I signed up for that "do not call" list, but apparently there's a massive loophole where there's no limit to how much a company I already to business with is allowed to harrass the shit out of me.

Through some clever legal maneuvering, we've managed to classify ourselves as a non-profit organization which exempts us from most "do not call" rules. Deal with it. You can stop the pain anytime you want by just giving in and signing up for our premium service plan.

SLWG addresses a very important issue-

Well, this is a pretty enjoyable site and I'm not the kind of person who looks for things to criticize, so I wouldn't want to nit pick about anything, except, well, there is this one thing that, I have to admit, really can get a little annoying, in fact, it can get pretty damn annoying. I wonder why you have to keep bringing up, over and over and over, this whole thing about "scrappy, gritty little white guys". I don't see anything wrong with a little appreciation of scrappy, gritty little white guys. What's your problem with that? Huh? It just so happens that I AM a scrappy little white guy who aspires to someday also be gritty, and frankly, if your eyes weren't permanently damaged by living in a dark basement, you'd see that the world would be a LOT better off if there were more SGLWGs around. I just so happen to think that I'm ONE EFFING IMPRESSIVE HUMAN BEING, and if you and your pathetic little friends can't see that, then screw all of you! GOT IT????

Let me tell you a story. By the time I reached the 1st grade, I stood a massive (for my age) 4'7" and weighed 92 pounds. This made me the largest kid in my class and a multi-sport superstar. It didn't matter what we were playing- kickball, tee-ball, 500, wallball, capture the flag- I was unstoppable. Nothing bugged me like small, gritty, gutty white kids. Quit trying to compensate for your lack of size and athletic ability by hustling and scrapping. I'm just better than you! Then something horrible happened. I stopped growing. Today I'm still 4'7" and 92 lbs. So what I'm trying to say is that our handling of small, gritty, gutty white guys on this blog is an issue of self-loathing. I'm working on it with my online therapist.

Jeff lightens the tone-

The worst part of this blog is....well....since Larry got his "shift" key fixed, I have no complaints.

It was a major step but I'm glad I did it. Those pretentious fuckjobs over at Dodger Thoughts, who mocked me for not using it after we got linked there back in September, helped convince me that the change had to be made.

The best part of this blog is the pictures and all the residual Firejay groupies who show up at my site. Hello there.

Easy, dude. That's my sister.

Chris Hart has a laundry list of complaints, most of which just amount to "I'm a crybaby bitch," so let's take them one at a time-

First of all, your posts are too long. I don't have all day to sit around and read your witty jokes about Dusty Baker or Boston area sports teams. Some of us have real jobs. You know, jobs that don't involve asking if customers want paper or plastic.

What are you, fucking nuts? How many times do we have to tell you what part of our parents' houses we live in and how we feel about leaving it? And furthermore, even if we did get real jobs, we definitely wouldn't get ones that involve interacting with customers face to face. I'd rather be the mop-up man at an XXX-rated movie theater than bag groceries. Speaking of that, and your "real" job, did you get that promotion to assistant shift manager you've been talking about?

Hey, rest of the Fire Jay Mariotti crew, you guys wanna man up a little? I can only stomach so much of LarryB's shitty, bumbling prose.

Not disagreement here. Even I can only stand so much of me.

When was the last time Eriz posted?

Shortly before he bought a Wii.

Or dan-bob?

Well, last week. But the last time he posted frequently was last October, so here's hoping the return of baseball season brings him back into the fold.

And while I'm at it: pnoles- lighten up a little bit

He's actually pretty laid back in person. He just likes using capital letters when he's on teh blogopages.

chrisw - nobody cares that you're from chicago

He's from Wisconsin.

and Jarrett- hockey is dead, give up.

Be careful- as soon as you say something like that, boom- Jarrett punches you in the back of the head, knocking you to the ice unconscious and damaging your spinal column. Oh wait, that's Todd Bertuzzi. (Too soon?)

What else do I hate about this site that nobody forces me to read? Oh yeah. Tons! Stop hating on Bill Simmons because he has the job you so desperately wish you all had.

I think you know full well that's not why we hate. No, rather, we make fun of Bill specifically to antagonize you. you're a stupid emtpyheaded sheep who pretends like he enjoys whatever shitpile of an article Simmons writes and makes excuses for him like "Hey, it's a tough job, let's see you do better!" or "But you have to agree with him, the refs really were biased against the Patriots!" In short: shut up. It's idiots like you that keep Simmons's career afloat when it should have capsized two years ago.

Stop acting like you're the cats meow because you read Moneyball and can look up stats on baseball-reference.

I actually haven't read Moneyball, but I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done beating Mortal Kombat II for the fourteenth time this month. And yes, looking up stats on baseball-reference does make me feel like the cock of the walk.

I also hate your new site format. Why'd you change color schemes? Decided that Douche-Orange would fit your personality better?

I'm going to pin that one on Dan-Bob, who all but insisted I get rid of the green back in October. Since then? More readers, more links, and more endorsements. So I think it's working out alright for us. If you really hate douche-orange, head over to Two Guys Who Like, Never Agree and let them know how you feel about it. I'm sure you'll enjoy getting posterized by them just as much as you're loving this.

Also, your mascot Jeff Pearlman, is racist and hates the great state of South Carolina.

He's not a "mascot." (What does that even mean in the context of a blog?) I'd say he's more like a punching bag, or a crazy old uncle who's always saying things that are glaringly wrong.

Which means you hate it too.

Maybe. But I do like NASCAR, so that should balance things out a bit.

God damn it, I hate you guys so much.

We love you!

BenGoodFella confirms to everyone that Chris Hart is a big time jackass-

If they ever stopped mocking Simmons I would copy and paste any reaction I had to Simmons in the comments box and let everyone have to sift through it to read the other comments. I live for Simmons bashing.

Welcome to my world. And on a related note, Ben has a blog now. (As does Archie for that matter.) I'll link both of them in a later post. We're all one big happy family of basement dwelling losers.

My only complaint is that I don't like hockey, so I drudge through those posts. I stop at the curse words and chuckle though.

If Jarrett is good at one thing, it's cursing.

I am sure I talk about shit no one else cares about (see above), so it is no big deal.

Are you still typing? Who are you again?

Blanco raises an important concern-

The one thing I hate about this site is when Larry B starts a post that starts something like "It's late, I'm fucking beat" cause it means his mommy is making him go to bed or simmons wrote an article about a funeral so you can't make fun of it and instead now I gotta do some shit instead of blowing off work.

You bait that line and I'll bite it. Haven't read that Simmons piece but I'll take a look later tonight and see if it's parseable. Ben seems to think it is. As for the part where you criticize my complaining about it being late and me being tired: being a sports blogger is tough, man. You don't understand how draining it can be. Eventually the night reaches a point where if I'm going to address an article, it's going to keep me up too late for me to be able to wake up and catch "The Price Is Right" in the morning. And if I can't watch "The Price Is Right," why even bother getting out of bed? I hope that helps you understand why I've been slacking lately.

Anonymous has a very valid point-

the worst part of this blog is how racist you all are.

HOW CAN YOU HATE JEMELE HILL AND STEVEN A. SMITH - THEY ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT. ESPECIALLY STEVEN A. HE IS IMPORTANT. EVERYTHING HE SAYS CARRIES IMMENSE WEIGHT, THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE SHINGLES FROM ALL THE SPHINCTER-CLENCHING GOING ON OVER AT THE 4-LETTER NETWORK.

Thank you so much for that. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think shingles are caused by sphincter clenching. Were it not for that gaffe I'd be awarding you this week's Top Comment prize. Come back next week and try your luck again.

also larry b needs to stop using goddamn capital letters. giving in to peer pressure, larry? saaaaaaaad.

See? When it comes to pleasing the audience of a small, irrelevant blog, you just can't win. Some people want capital letters, some don't. Some people want more Simmons bashing, some want less. And some people think Rachel Nichols is hot, while others like to be able to see a woman's entire face without her nose blocking out the rest of the features.

Chris W responds to the title of the post-

Oh knock it off [LarryB] you're the fattest one in the car!

You don't have to tell it like it is, Chris!

Another Anonymous has a request-

You guys don't use the "doyennes of dirt" label enough.

Noted.

Ed Hardiman has a theory re: the whole "Fire ____ _____" naming scheme.

Are you sure they didn't steal the title of your blog using precognition...or maybe they used a time machine to go into the future, steal your blog title and then returned to the past, that works too...

I don't care what the critics said or what the box office numbers were. That movie was fucking awful.

Thanks again to everyone for submitting. If the comments continue at this same furious pace every time I ask for feedback about the blog, maybe we can make this kind of response piece a regular feature. Who knows. I feel bad because writing this means I have less time later to write something that's actually about bad sportswriting. But I'll get over it.

As for those winners I promised to name- for this week, even though he's a monumental dickbag, let's go ahead and acknowledge the effort Chris Hart put into his comment. Cherish it, asshole. You won't be back on top again anytime soon.

Last week... man, that was a long time ago... but fuck it, I'll just hand it to Archie for his five paragraph manifesto as to why he'd rather play sports with the natives than have a TV. Did I pick him because he agreed with my personal stance on the issue? Although he makes a compelling case, no. The real reason I picked him was for this:

(from my original post): In the meantime, let's all compete for an imaginary junk food prize and a meaningless title which is awarded completely arbitrarily after being judged by a panel of one.

Archie: Eh, still means more than the Gold Glove.

Take it to the bank. This is your moment in the sun, Archie. Feel free to leave a rambling 1500 word comment with several nearly indecipherable references.