Please Stop Doing Things, ESPN

This is a terrible topic for a post, because I don't have any way to link you to the thing I'm about to complain about, but I'm going to write it anyways. Was anyone watching the ACC Championship game on ESPN on Sunday? Holy dogballs. ESPN was doing this "thing"... I guess you could call it a piece of production, or a just a bit. Going to and coming back from commercial breaks, they showed montages of both Clemson and North Carolina, set to this fucking ridiculous music. It was like a church choir doing an intense chanting-style exhortation of the two teams over the top of a dramatic orchestral fanfare, the kind you might hear in the background of an action scene in a Star Wars movie or a montage of the most important speeches of the 20th century. The singers were emphasizing every syllable really strongly. Like: "North Car-o-lin-a! Play-ing hard and strong! Class of the A-C-C!" Or: "Clem-son Ti-gers! Will-ful and ded-i-ca-ted! Try-ing to si-lence their de-mons!"

Fucking fuck. It was the worst bit in the history of sports media. Ever. Bar none. Whoever conceptualized and produced whatever is now the second worst bit should thank whoever is responsible for this one by sending them a box full of feces. In fact, fuck that- whoever is responsible for this one should be locked in a metal tube and launched into outer space so they never even get to open their box of poop. Honestly, they had to have been on meth when they decided to push the idea forward and get the thing put together. There's no other explanation.

Now do you see why I'm disappointed I have no way to link you to this? I looked around for a clip but couldn't find one. I'm not surprised by that- if you tried to DVR it, your TV would probably have exploded in what would amount to an inanimate object's crude attempt at suicide. What a train wreck. I felt awful when I thought about the choir that they hired to do this. I've heard ad jingles for local businesses that were less awkward. (The first 30 seconds of this video has the music, but the lyrics are responsible for 98% of the comedy and it doesn't have those.)

Also, let me briefly remind you to please send tips and links to firejaymariotti@gmail.com. All talk of living in basements and piloting hot air balloons aside, I honestly did just start a new job that keeps me away from a computer most of the day. So help me help you- save me the time of finding hilariously atrocious sportswriting and you'll get to read more posts. Simple as that.

Check back tomorrow when I'll be finished with a post making fun of Gene Wojceichowski. Or as I like to call him, "The Polish Rifle." What? That nickname is already taken by former NBA sharpshooter Eric Piatkowski? WHAT? Piatkowski is actually still on an NBA roster? He's played in 14 games this season? Gee golly, I feel so... young.