Now that I am all grown up and no
longer the fresh-faced wise-ass I was when I first posted on this blog back
eight years ago, my bitterness has abated somewhat. Now I'm a family guy, two
baby daughters, etc. But every so often something comes along that is so
infuriating that it has basically ruined my morning and forced me to spend the
first half hour of my work day writing a post for the first time in six months.
I know only like six people read this blog but I am convinced that I must
write this in order to expose the banality of evil that is Frank Deford, and
that if even one of you goes home and thinks, "You know, Frank Deford
sucks", then I will have made the world a better place and there will be
some brighter future for humanity.
Here's the
scene in the dan-bob family van this morning on the way to work. Mrs. dan-bob
is in the backseat dealing with a screaming baby-bob.
NPR Host:
Upcoming: a story about statistics and our national pasttime!
dan-bob:
Awesome! [turns up radio over screaming child, tells wife to calm that
kid down already]
NPR Host:
Here's our weekly commentary from Frank Deford
dan-bob: Oh
no.
Frank Deford: Whereas numbers have never been a significant adjunct to
the other performing arts, they've been stitched into the very essence of
sport. Not just the score, but how fast, how far, how good. And, of course, no
sport is so identified with numbers as is our American baseball.
Here's a little cheat sheet for any of you who want to know if
your commentator is a self-righteous chump like Frank Deford: they use
"sport" in the singular. [Note: you're exempt from this rule if
you're British.]. Besides that, this is some awful
diction: "adjunct"? "stitched"? "our
American baseball"? What the heck other kind of baseball is there?
I hate Frank Deford. Honestly I think I hate him more than I've hated
anyone else on this website. He's like HatGuy on steroids invating my
morning commute and regularly wrecking my Wednesdays.
In fact, baseball statistics have been around almost as long as
baseball. But stats — which is a fairly new shortcut word, about as old as the
Mets and Astros are — have proliferated recently, not only in other sports,
notably basketball, but to deeper and deeper levels of baseball enlightenment.
First, Frank,
in the English language there is actually a word for "shortcut
words". We call them "abbreviations". Second, is there any reason to note that the abbreviation is as old as the Mets
and Astros? Referencing baseball expansion in the early 1960s makes no
sense to me, unless he's trying to argue that baseball expansion is bad or lazy
or something. But if there were any group of fans out there pining for
pre-expansion sixteen-team all-white baseball, I'd expect Frank Deford to be
their spiritual leader, chanting about the evils of modern baseball and
demanding a return to the pure Church of Baseball.
Today, traditional statistics like batting or earned run averages —
righteous measures that were accepted as the athletic equivalent of the Ten
Commandments — are made to seem quaint and primitive. Baseball even has its own
specific brand of analytics, which is known as sabermetrics.
Bible references! Righteous measures! Anyone who would deny
righteous measures like BA and ERA are inherently sinful to the essence of
sport! These are the Ten Commandments of the Frank Deford Church of Old Timey
Baseball!
Baseball statistics were further glorified by Michael Lewis in his book Moneyball and then on film by the heartthrob Brad
Pitt. Imagine on-base percentage being a thing of heartthrob. Moneyball posited the fancy that revolutionary
statistical magic had sprung forth from the brain of the Oakland General
Manager Billy Beane, like Athena emerging full-blown from Zeus' head. In fact,
other resourceful innovators had found original uses for stats all through
diamond history.
Dear God: "posited the fancy"? Someone shoot Frank
Deford with a pellet gun. And the reference to Athena: wait, what? I don't see any reason
for the allusion other than trying to overdramatize a nonissue. I'm sure this
is just the pure holy Frank Deford defending his Church of Old Timey Baseball
against the pagan innovations of modern man.
Plus, at the end of this paragraph, you'd think that Frank is going to
talk about the actual resourceful innovators, but no, this paragraph is just
one of many examples of his disjointed rambling. This essay has no direction,
no organizing principles. It's just the rambling of a bitter old man.
But now there is an absolute sabermetric explosion. Every team has
employed nerds, who are presumably tucked away in secret offices, with
computers and green eyeshades, emerging only to hand over new numerical strategies.
This has resulted not only in the outward and visible sign of infielders being
shifted all around the diamond like linebackers in football, but even in covert
skulduggery, industrial espionage and power politics.
Oh man. This is the new Cheetos-and-Mountain-Dew-in-the-parents'-basement!
It's the secret-offices-and-green-eyeshades insult! Good lord, this man's
insults are even more dated than his opinions. Someone please put this fossil of a sportswriter in a museum, but not like on display at the museum. Just put him in one of those back storage sheds that never gets opened where he can mildew and canker all he wants without bothering people.
I also like how Frank blames the sabermetric explosion for defensive
shifts, which any educated baseball fan knows date to the
1920s, covert skulduggery (which of course was never around before, thank god), industrial
espionage (i.e. when you use someone else's password to log into a website),
and power politics (good thing baseball was apolitical back in the old days!).
Last week the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim general manager up and quit
in midseason — something that statistically just doesn't happen — because, it
seems, his manager wouldn't apply enough of the new metrics that his computer
minions were churning out.
That's hilarious! It "statistically just doesn't happen"
because it is uncommon! I get it! It's a joke! Good thing we have statistics around to identify uncommon things! I wish someone would
glue Frank Deford's mouth shut!
But wait! Worse than this front-office insurrection, the federal
government itself may well bring charges against one or more members of the St.
Louis Cardinals staff, nabbed for hacking into the secret files of the Houston
Astros. Hacking! Baseball! Like Russians and Chinese. Oh my.
Oh my god!
Like this is somehow worse than all the other terrible things that have
happened in baseball over the years! Some Cardinals folks used the old password
of an Astros guy! THE WORLD IS GOING TO THE DOGS AND THE PURITY OF THE FRANK DEFORD CHURCH OF OLD TIMEY BASEBALL IS FOREVER STAINED. ALL THE RACISM AND STEROIDS AND LABOR
DISPUTES AND THE JUICED BALL DIDN'T DO IT, BUT NOW THE CARDINALS ARE HACKERS, AND THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
"Like the
Russians". It's like we're living in 1960 or something. Frank
Deford is still cheering for the Mazeroski home run and ignoring Mickey
Mantle's alcoholism.
It makes deflating a few footballs look like child's play, and it makes
baseball the darkest statistical art, even more the place for sexy metrics.
What? Ow. How is this even a concluding sentence? How is this
statistics a "dark art"? What the hell are "sexy
metrics"? THE CHURCH OF OLD TIMEY BASEBALL WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. FRANK
DEFORD WILL EXORCISE THE DEMONS!
This wasn't even an essay. It was just rambling about
nothing, with a heavy dose of moral grandstanding. And yet NPR has him on
every Wednesday morning, ostensibly to say something interesting about sports.
I generally enjoy getting my news from NPR in the morning, but if they employ
Frank Deford, it casts serious doubt on the quality of the rest of their
reporting. Imagine if the equivalent of Frank Deford were informing a large number of Americans about something actually important.
Even Mrs. dan-bob, who only caught snatches of it in between infant
screams, knew enough to remark. "Why did you listen to that? Frank
Deford sucks so much".
"our American baseball" is the play that Stan Musial was watching when Scott Boras stabbed him to death with a steroids needle
ReplyDeleteI appreciated this. Thank you. Guy is a pain in the ass. I thought it was just me. Sanctimonious old . And, yes, I have the same reaction as you had no matter what he's talking about.
ReplyDeleteGood article, you should post more often. Unfortunately articles posted over the last few months have probably driven away whatever readership you may have had.
ReplyDelete"Every team has employed nerds, who are presumably tucked away in secret offices, with computers and green eyeshades, emerging only to hand over new numerical strategies."
ReplyDeleteI adore this sentence. Costasesque in its gate-keeping smugness, Wilonnish in its disdain for new media and statistics. They're all in their basements in middle-earth in their pajamas!
Next up. Deford rails against Uber!
Wilbonnish. Sorry.
ReplyDelete