Anyways, you know who's worse than Simmons? Someone who scored a gig at Grantland solely because they're in Simmons's posse. This has probably existed since last year, but I just stumbled into Cousin Sal's weekly prop bet column for the first time. His jokes make Gregggggggggg's sound like they were written by Chris Rock. But before he gets to those (and boy howdy does he ever get to them), he offers actual gambling advice. It's pretty good. Unfortunately that's only about 1/3 of the column.
Patriots/Rams will score in the first six minutes
Nailed that one.
Falcons/Eagles longest touchdown over 44.5 yards
Falcons/Eagles longest touchdown over 44.5 yards
Nailed that one.
Giants to score over 25 points vs. the Cowboys
Giants to score over 25 points vs. the Cowboys
Nailed that one.
Brees 4/1 and Peyton Manning 5/1 to have the most passing yards on Sunday
Brees 4/1 and Peyton Manning 5/1 to have the most passing yards on Sunday
Wrong, but anyone who bet on Tony Romo is either a Cowboys fan or a bad, lucky gambler. (I'm comfortable assuming that no QB in the Niners/Cardinals MNF game is going to crack 400 yards. Or 250.) And it's all downhill from here--the following "bets" have little one or two sentence "explanations" that will make your already severe douchechills even douchechillier. I didn't include those explanations. You're welcome.
Over/under 16.5: Dislocated braids suffered by RG3 this Sunday vs. the head-hunting Steelers defense
Over/under 16.5: Dislocated braids suffered by RG3 this Sunday vs. the head-hunting Steelers defense
lol he has braids
30/1: Odds that while visiting London, Tom Brady makes a sex tape with Pippa Middleton
30/1: Odds that while visiting London, Tom Brady makes a sex tape with Pippa Middleton
LOL THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN
Honey Badger +3.5 lifetime drug arrests over Honey Boo Boo
Honey Badger +3.5 lifetime drug arrests over Honey Boo Boo
/tumbleweed
Over/under 3.5 million: 7-year-old girls will tune in to this Sunday's Dolphins/Jets game
Over/under 3.5 million: 7-year-old girls will tune in to this Sunday's Dolphins/Jets game
/fart
Over/under 3.5: Baseball fans who actually recognize ANY of the sitcom stars of whom Fox shows crowd cutaways during their World Series telecast
TAKE THAT, FOX'S VICE PRESIDENT OF CROSS PROMOTION
9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10: How much I’m enjoying my “There will be under 1.5 extra-inning World Series games” wager
9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10: How much I’m enjoying my “There will be under 1.5 extra-inning World Series games” wager
As much navel-gazing as in a Simmons column, but with actual useful gambling advice!
2/1: Odds the person responsible for telling Ozzie Guillen he was fired was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time
2/1: Odds the person responsible for telling Ozzie Guillen he was fired was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time
Jesus Fucking Shitballs. I'm not sure what level of comedy I expected, but this man has the comedic chops of a nun.
Cousin Sal Iacono (@TheCousinSal) is a writer/performer for Jimmy Kimmel Live
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Cousin Sal is about as funny as Simmons which means there are several people at your job who are funnier than the two of them put together. I believe he is there so Simmons can remind everone that he was a writer for Jimmy Kimmel for awhile, a truly multitalented human being.
ReplyDeleteUnless you are going to Vegas to bet, where can anyone get down on these props? Last week there was a huge multistate bust of people acting as agents for offshore books like Pinnacle Sports and therefore illegal for US residents under the UIEGA. Your friendly neighborhood bookmaker dealing football wouldn't put up these props except maybe for the Superbowl. My point here is this column is just an exercise in typical Simmons/Sal mental masturbation and ego massage.
Did you notice on Grantland, Simmons has a two part NBA season wins podcast with Joe House. As far as I can tell House is a friend from college who qualifies as an expert cause he licks Simmons balls ala Jack O.
Should have typed UIGEA, Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. I feel inferior now like Jim Leyland.
ReplyDeleteYour point about these props not being available to the vast vast majority of gamblers is a good one. As someone who is too dumb to bet on sports I hadn't considered that angle.
ReplyDeleteFormula for Joe Buck final out of the World Series calls:
ReplyDelete...and [Insert Team] have won the World Series...
How much more generic can it get?