MMTMQR: Gregg Gets Self-Critical

Remember a couple weeks ago, when he started taking pot shots at the media? YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT PLAY AS WELL AS YOU COULD HAVE, MIKE TIRICO. SHAME ON YOU. Well last week he took things even further. It's more confusing than anything, but basically, he makes an ass out of himself. Again. But in an entirely new way. Sit back and enjoy.

Changing the playcaller sure helped the Redskins!

Brutal sarcasm!

In the cult of football, surely few things are more overrated than play calling. Much football commentary, from high school stands to the NFL in prime time, boils down to: "If they ran they should have passed, and if they passed they should have run." Other commentary boils down to: "If it worked, it was a good call, if it failed, it was a bad call," though the call is only one of many factors in a football play.

Yes. Yes, that's entirely correct. You know why I have to agree with what Gregg just said? BECAUSE HE SPENDS HALF OF HIS FUCKING COLUMN DOING THESE EXACT THINGS. Passing on third and short is bad... if you don't get the first down! If you lose on a last second field goal, you should have run up the middle on a play with 12 minutes left in the fourth quarter! Then the clock would have run out! Etc., etc., etc. And beyond that, Gregg is the motherfucking czar of "If it worked, it was a good call- if it failed, it was a bad call." Incredible. Cognitive dissonance strikes again.

Good calls are better than bad calls -- this column exerts considerable effort documenting the difference.

Ah. OK. So you do understand that. So basically this is like saying "I hate liars. Of course, I often lie. But still."

But it's nonsensical to think that replacing a guy who calls a lot of runs to the left with a guy who calls a lot of runs to the right will transform a team.

I don't think anyone associated with the Redskins, even batshit crazy and mildly retarded Dan Snyder, thought their team would be "transformed" by their new play caller.

My take on Sherman Lewis' play calling Monday night? When he ran, he should have passed -- when he passed, he should have run. Here was an actual Lewis call overheard: "B-14, N-7, I-2, G-6. On set!"

Because Lewis has been calling bingo recently, don't you see.

Crickets.

In the Redskins' case, there is an added dimension -- the rumor is Chainsaw Dan took away coach Jim Zorn's play-calling authority hoping that Zorn would blow a gasket and quit.

Yes. Correct. Again, no one was seriously expecting a "transformation."

If Zorn quits, he gets nothing; if he's fired, he receives the balance due on his contract. No doubt to Chainsaw Dan's dismay, Zorn held his ground. Here are other things Snyder might try to prompt Zorn to quit:

Who's ready for some more GreggJokes?

Take away his authority to shout, "Clap it up, clap it up."

Is this Zorn's catchphrase or something? I hope not.

Bring in a coin-toss consultant.

That'd frost that Zorn, wouldn't it?!?

Place a large concrete planter in Zorn's parking space at team headquarters.

Boy, that would just be flat out mean.

Require Zorn to return the phone calls of Washington Post sportswriters.

LOL COACHES HATE ANGRY MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA

Have everyone in Redskins management get exactly the same buzz cut.

What?

When Michael Crabtree finally signed with the 49ers, TMQ warned of a Crabtree Curse -- Mike Singletary had spent a year in San Francisco instilling the message that nobody is bigger than the team, and suddenly it seemed you could jerk the 49ers around all you wanted and get $17 million guaranteed as your reward.

JESUS CHRIST. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. THAT WAS THE EXACT CONTRACT THEY ORIGINALLY OFFERED HIM AFTER THE DRAFT. CRABTREE GAVE IN. HE PRETTY MUCH CAVED. THE 49ERS GOT EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED- AN AWESOME PLAYER, FOR A PRICE IN LINE WITH THE DRAFT SLOT AT WHICH HE WAS PICKED. THERE IS NO CRABTREE CURSE. SHUT UP. And you know what's great? The 49ers lost again today (at Indy... where visiting teams always win!) so we're going to read about this again tomorrow. Awesome.

Before the signing, the 49ers were 3-1; since the signing, they are 0-2, and have been outscored 69-31. Beware the Crabtree Curse!

Go give yourself a swirly.

Sweet 'N' Sour Play: With New England leading 21-7, the Patriots lined up four-wide, then sent tight end Ben Watson in motion almost to the sideline; he ran a fly pattern and caught a 35-yard touchdown pass. That was sweet. He was covered deep by a linebacker because, though New England faced first-and-20, Tampa did not have a dime package on the field. That was sour.

If it worked, it's a good call! If it didn't, it was a bad call! This goes for both teams, of course- if New England had tried to run out of the 4 wide, and then the linebacker who was on Watson made a great tackle and forced a fumble, it would be kudos to the Bucs for having the right personnel on the field.

Clang! Clang! Clang! New Orleans scored just 17 baskets in losing to Denver 121-63 in the playoffs.

Clang! Clang! Clang! In the first two games of the NBA Finals, Orlando missed 100 shots from the field -- nearly one miss per minute! (One of the games went into OT.) Just to prove it was no fluke, in these games Orlando also missed 15 free throw attempts.

You know, it's great that he wants to diversify his material. But if we're going to talk about the NBA, maybe we shouldn't do so by just listing facts from games that happened 5 months ago.

In Praise of Unknowns: Miles Austin, undrafted out of Monmouth, has an incredible 421 yards receiving in his first two pro starts. Pierre Garcon of Indianapolis, low-drafted out of Division III Mount Union, and low-drafted unknown Julian Edelman of New England, are also playing well at wide receiver, while numerous high-drafted big-bucks receivers perform poorly. My guess is that Austin, Garcon and Edelman don't have ego problems. They are happy to be in the NFL, work tirelessly, and don't whine if everything is not exactly precisely what they wanted.

Nice guess. Here's mine- Austin plays for a decent team (or is that a decent Cowboys FOOTBALL team with a DYNAMIC offense?) with a legitimate QB. Garcon and Edelman play for awesome teams, each of which has a QB who is probably in the all-time top 25. Darius Heyward-Bey, for all his overratedness, is playing for a joke of an organization with a 350 pound idiot at QB. Meanwhile, highly drafted Jeremy Maclin and Hakeem Nicks are having good seasons. And there are dozens of low-drafted/undrafted WRs who aren't doing shit right now. Why not? Because they suck at football. But go ahead and use the exception to prove the rule anytime you want, shithead.

And what two running backs are getting most of the carries for the league's top offense? Undrafted Pierre Thomas and undrafted Mike Bell.

That Saints power rushing attack- known throughout the league for being the key to New Orleans' success! Thank goodness Drew Brees has those two studs carrying him- where would he be without them?

Carolina -- Run the Ball!: Carolina managed to lose to Buffalo despite a 425-167 edge in offensive yards; three Jake Delhomme interceptions doomed the home team. TMQ has been asking all season and asks again, with Delhomme playing poorly and the Panthers' rush offense strong, why do Carolina coaches continue calling so many passes?

If they ran, they should have passed. If they passed, they should have ran. If it worked, it was a good call. If it didn't, it was a bad call.

Reaching first-and-goal on the Pittsburgh 1 in the third quarter, Minnesota, aided by a penalty, ran four snaps and did not advance, then settled for a field goal from the 1. Spectacular Steelers defense, though one wonders why two of the four plays were incompletions: It's hard to believe even Pittsburgh could have stopped Adrian Peterson four straight times when only a yard was needed.

If they ran, they should have passed. If they passed, they should have ran. If it worked, it was a good call. If it didn't, it was a bad call.

NBA Officials Check Passports Before Calling Traveling: TMQ has long contended that football rules are too complex; also, the NFL refuses to reveal its officiating manual, which explains such things as how a zebra determines what counts as pass interference. The NBA by contrast recently put its rulebook online, complete with multimedia examples of what is and isn't legal. Great idea -- do the same, NFL. In the new rulebook, I did find this interesting definition:

More GreggJokes! GreggJokes for all! GreggJokes all around!

TRAVELING. If the player with the ball walks off the court and out of the arena, hails a cab, goes to the airport, and buys an airline ticket, at the point that he boards the plane, he shall be whistled for "traveling."

See, that's just kind of ridiculous. That's a situation I just can't see happening during-

Ohhhhhhh.

I hope you see what he did there!

The Football Gods Promised an Investigation: The Steelers went shotgun spread, five-wide on third-and-3; the Packers went shotgun spread, five-wide on third-and-goal from the Cleveland 2.

If they ran, they should have passed. If they passed, they should have ran. If it worked, it was a good call. If it didn't, it was a bad call.

Running Up the Score Watch: Possession results for Nebraska versus Iowa State: fumble, punt, touchdown, interception, punt, fumble, punt, fumble, fumble, fumble, punt, interception, interception (noted by reader Andrew Miller of Arlington, Va.). Can it be coincidence that Nebraska is 1-2, with a disastrous eight turnovers Saturday, since the day the Cornhuskers ran up the score to 55-0 against hapless cupcake Louisiana-Lafayette?

Nope! It's not. It's actually a function of real life variables which are affecting the outcome of their games. Nebraska is playing teams with actual talent now, like Virginia Tech. Granted, that's an awful performance against an Iowa State team (Iowa State FOOTBALL team that plays hard on the FOOTBALL field) which Nebraska should beat. But I'm sure Iowa State has a shit ton more talent that UL-Lafayette. In any case, I suppose you can make the argument that the football gods are indirectly responsible for scheduling. So if you accept that ridiculous and nonsensical premise.... maybe Nebraska's recent struggles really are a function of a crazy and vengeful group of imaginary spirits in the sky! Sort of.