I Don't Think I've Ripped on Simmons in a While

Probably because he's putting out about a column a month these days, and the last one was about his late dog. Now, I'm not saying it's not a sad story- but I am definitely saying that I don't give a flying fuck about it. I go to ESPN to read about sports. I do not go there to read about what happens in the personal lives of the columnists. I don't really care if John Holinger's wife has a baby, or if Buster Olney finds $5 on the beach. OK, enough of the mini-rant. Let's review the stupidest things said during Bill's latest chat. In some cases I'm going to pick on the idiots asking the questions rather than the dipshit answering them, but I think it's legit considering he picks every question he answers out of tens of thousands submitted during the course of the chat. Aaaaand... Teen Wolf discussion staaaarts.... NOW.

Nathan (Cambridge, Mass.): Is Mike Tomlin the coolest Super Bowl coach in history? That dude is the Samuel L. Jackson of the National Football League!

Because he's black! Note the city and state of the guy who felt the need to point that out to you.

Bill Simmons: Not just for Super Bowls - I say he's the coolest coach in any sport ever. Even cooler than Coach Fenstock. By the way, the over/under for Teen Wolf questions or references is 7.5 for today's chat - take the over. They gotta stop showing it. I am becoming obsessed.

How old are you, 12? It's OK to enjoy a largely irrelevant movie without pushing it on everyone, you know. You don't see me trying to work "Envy" into every single goddamn post.

Brian (Milwaukee, WI): OK, Redd is out for the year, if the Bucks had hired you as GM(which they should have), what do you do to get the Bucks to the playoffs?

The "Hire me as Milwaukee's GM- I mean, why not?" thing: easily one of my least favorite Simmons topics/running gags/running non-gags/retarded ideas.

Bill Simmons: Anyway, it's clear that the NBA GM job is overrated as we've seen by how many people have failed at it - why not take a chance with someone like me and get fans talking and message boards buzzing?

Because you're an idiot who knows about 5% as much as you think you know about basketball.

What could the Bucks possibly do that would be a bigger national story than a controversial GM or coach hire?

Why should that be their goal?

Name me one thing. You can't.

I don't need to. They're doing alright without your tiny brain controlling the franchise.

The other move would be to just make someone a player-coach... which I think is illegal.

Not that Bill has time to research this during the chat, but it's not. I'm pretty unsurprised that Bill's hunch was wrong.

Joe (Decatur, GA): Cavs question. When Delonte and Big Z come back, will the Cavs be good enough to win the title without adding a piece by trading Wally?

Bill Simmons: Yeah, everyone's missing that about the Cavs right now - they are missing two starters and really won't be the team they will be until April. I would not sleep on them. By the way, Devin Harris making the AS team over Mo Williams was an outrage.

So playing on the same team as LeBron, who can create unlimited looks for his teammates, and averaging 17/4/3, is better than carrying a terrible Nets team and averaging 21/6/3? Later on, Bill presents that argument that "anyone" can get good stats on a bad team like New Jersey. Then how come more players don't? There aren't a lot of guys out there on any team averaging 21 and 6. That puts him in the top 15 in both categories; if that's so "easy" to do, how come no one else on a shitty team is anywhere close to doing it? Because Bill is smarter than me, that's why.

Dave (Baltimore, MD): Which one is more bizzare? The Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl, the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, or Mickey Rourke vs Chris Jerico at Wrestlemania 25?

Bill Simmons: I still think Tampa making the World Series.

There are no other teams in the AL East besides the Red Sox and Yankees; just ask any Red Sox or Yankees fan. I often read MLBTradeRumors.com, which may have even more obnoxious commenters than Deadspin. This offseason has been hilarious over there. Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten the elephant in the room, with a pitching staff (even considering the addition of Burnett and Sabathia) that can crush either Boston or New York's. I'm looking forward to watching things unfold again this season. I will definitely grant to Bill that Tampa going all the way to the WS was extremely surprising, but the subtext of this answer reeks of narrow-minded Boston/New York/nothing else matters dumbfuckery.

Oh, and from eariler:

I couldn't agree more with Kenny Smith - it's EASY to put up good stats on bad teams or mediocre teams. The Cavs are a super-contender for 2 reasons: Bron is so much better/hungrier, and Mo Williams has made a huge difference for them. They are 20-0 at home. How the hell can they only have 1 All Star?

Because they have one awesome player who's probably the league MVP as of right now, and a bunch of role players who fit well around him. I'm not sure what's so hard about this. Williams is really good. Is he better than Harris? It's not even close.

All Star teams, MVPO votes, Hall of Fame votes and Oscar/Emmy nominations really make me crazy. I can't handle it.

Bill Simmons: Like Brad Pitt getting nominated for Ben Button - I almost put my fist through a wall. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??????? I defy anyone to watch that movie and say that Brad Pitt even "acted." he just played himself. I can't stand it.

I can't comment becuase I haven't seen this. But if Bill's movie opinions about movies are as well-founded and intelligent as his opinions about sports...

Tim (Walla Walla, WA): Why don't you ever go on ESPN First Take to debate Skip Bayless?

Bill Simmons: You Know, I've thought about doing this.

Please please please please, someone set this up. I will cancel whatever it is I have going on that morning and watch.

My plan would be to go on, then after every point he makes, I'd do a Sarcastic Clap like the SNL skit with the Sarcastic Clapping Family. And I'd never make any actual points. Just two hours of sarcastic claps. I think he'd be flustered.

Hilarious! Bill Simmons, master of comedy. We've finally found someone who could make Skip Bayless seem intelligent and witty if they were both on the same set.

Henry (Los Angeles): Any interesting prop bets on/related to the Super Bowl? I'm thinking of putting 10$ on the line with 10000:1 odds that the first guy to score is TO. Chance at 100k with his ego? Good enough for me.

Topical! But still unfunny.

Bill Simmons: Also liked this one...

Bill Simmons: Jersey Number of Player to score First Touchdown in Super Bowl XLIII: Over/under for number is 38.5 (-115 for each side)

Bill Simmons: So if you think a WR is scoring, or any defensive player or returner... you take the over. I like that one a lot.

Anyone who has watched any football at all in the last month, you know, like maybe the fucking conference championships games, should be able to pretty much instantly remember that Larry Fitzgerald wears 11 and Santonio Holmes wears 10. Most people will also remember that Steve Breaston wears 15. Also- "any defensive player"- what about, you know, all the defensive backs who wear numbers in the 20s or 30s who maybe might return a pick or fumble for a TD? But hey, give bill this- if Darnell Dockett or Brett Kiesel had taken a one to the house, he would have cashed in big time. And hey, James Harrison did in fact do just that. Wasn't the first TD though. And it was still a dumb idea to bet the over. Gary Russell, wearing #33, scored first.

(Bill was corrected about Fitzgerland and Holmes almost immediately. Why didn't he know their numbers offhand, even though both had great seasons/postseasons? Probably because they don't play for THE GREATEST FAHCKIN' TEAM EVAHHHH! 19-0! 19-0! 19-0!)

Bill Simmons: If you missed Monday's podcast, Cousin Sal and I broke this down and Sal loved Gary Russell -300 NOT to score a TD.

Oops!

Jason (Boston, MA): Dan "The CHB" Shaughnessy says Tom Brady is now soft because a smoking hot Brazilian super model was offering him a bite of her lunch. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Boston print media!

Bill Simmons: Nothing ever changes in Boston. It's amazing. WEEI just re-signed Glenn Ordway for 5 more years. It's Groundhog Day. The Globe has had the same two sports columnists for TWENTY ONE YEARS.

Only in Boston does this pattern happen! Only he-ah! No one else undastands us! We ahhhhh different than the rest of you cawksawkas!

PeteFitz (chicago): Mr. Sportsguy, Any reason for the podcasts over the columns these last two weeks? I personally like the columns better (for selfish reasons, I like to read at work), so I was wondering if there was a specific reason.

Bill Simmons: Again, I am desperatrely trying to finish my book - so that's one reason, I only have so many writing hours in me each day. The other reason is that I love doing the podcasts and feel like I'm on the ground floor of a medium that is really starting to take off. It's like radio on demand and I think it's going to kill satellite radio in 2 years. I really do. It's also a huge threat to real radio in my opinion, especially when people can get internet in their cars and can just cue podcasts up within 3 clicks.

Write that down. By early 2011, satellite radio will be bust. (Actually, that might happen, but not because of podcasts.)

It's astonishing to me that nobody has written a long piece about podcasts yet. This is EXACTLY the same as what happened with sportswriting in the late-90s where nobody was taking the internet seriously and suddenly within 7 years there were a million sports blogs, mainstream sites were crushing newspapers and newspapers were hemorrhaging money.

EXACTLY like that. But really, completely different. I don't have time to explain why. We can discuss in the comments if any of you Anonymouses want to call me out.

RC (District of Columbia): Manny averages an OPS+ of 155 and a lifetime EqA of .327....with those numbers he can play LF in a diaper for all I care

Bill Simmons: See, another team that should sign him - the Nats. People in DC do not care about that team. At all. Manny doesn't make them more interesting?????

Maybe, just maybe- and I'm going way out on a limb here- maybe the Nats front office is more concerned with formulating a long-term plan to get the team to the playoffs than making the team "more interesting" for the next 2 or 3 years. I know that as GM of the Bucks you would be exclusively focused on making interesting, exciting moves. But some people have a different agenda. Try to imagine that, hard as it may be.

They're willing to give Tex 170 million - a guy who has played on bad teams for nearly his entire career - but Manny isn't worth $75m for three? He wouldn't sell tickets? He wouldn't hit?

Like I said. Manny would definitely hit- he would also make the 2009 and 2010 Nats 75 win teams instead of 68 win teams. 2011... maybe they have a shot at something if their pitching develops. And at that point, they're out $75 million with no playoff appearances to show for it. See how that works? They were willing to sign Teixeira not for 2009 and 2010, but for subsequent years when he still has some value and they have a chance to be good. Use your noggin, dummy.

Marty Weikart (Brier WA): You have discussed Cardinals fans in your recent podcasts. I thought I would bring up how bad it was. even this summer. When I was in AZ for a business trip in Aug, there were advertising pre-season tickets as a package with the Dallas regular season game as a "Protect the House" scheme. As I understood it, in order to get the pre-season tickets, you also had to buy the regular season ticket, and the objective was that "real Cardinals fans" would be sitting in the stadium during the Dallas game, instead of a stadium completely filled with Dallas fans like had happened in the past. What other city could you ever imagine that happening in?

Bill Simmons: I am torn on this one - I get the whole "you didn't hear from us Cards fans because our team was just hopelessly bad" argument, but there is also undeniable evidence that Phoenix is a top-3 lousy/indefensible major sports city along with LA and Washington DC. So I don't know what to think.

This from the guy who "swore off" his longtime favorite hockey team, the Boston Bruins, because they "were just too painful to watch" or some bullshit like that. (I googled around for the column for a while and couldn't find it. If i'm wrong, feel free to let me know. I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it.) So yeah, asshole, I'm sure you "get" the whole "you didn't hear from us because our team was bad" thing. Until this year, when they're suddenly good again and you will inevitably eventually write a "I'm back with the Bruins, baby!" column, you've been living that "thing." You also openly threatened to "live" it after the 2007 NBA draft lottery, in which it was revealed that Boston wouldn't be getting Kevin Durant or Greg Oden. Yeah. You "get" it. Fairweather dickwad.

Jay (Toronto): So what did SportsCenter steal from you without telling you first?

Bill Simmons: The Mount Rushmore gimmick. I've been doing that in columns and mailbags for at least 18 months. Even did a whole Mount Rapmore last February. I just think it's petty to say, "hey, that's a good idea, let's take it."

Later on, he complains more about this. Guess why no one at ESPN thanked, cited, or included you, Bill? Probably because you're a fucking self-righteous asshole who no one likes. I hate you and I've never even met you; I can only imagine what it's like to be your employer or coworker.

Tom (Meridian, Idaho): Bill. We haven't heard your thoughts on Jim Rice FINALLY making the Hall of Fame. What's the over/under on the length of his speech? 5 minutes, 10? My bet is he says thanks, then sits down and lets Ricky talk for the next hour.

Bill Simmons: Talked about it on a podcast a little. My thoughts go like this: If he wasn't a HOFer for 14 years, why is he one now?

Plus, as many Boston fans would remind you, he was black. HE AIN'T NO WELKAHHHH, I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH!

Ron Philly: SG, you've been mentioning Teen Wolf so much recently, but have not mentioned the final scene when the extra in the stand shows his "anatomy". This was apparently looked over by the editors. It was recently voted one of the biggest movie edit mistakes ever.

Bill Simmons: It's great and the best part is that he zips it up right as Michael J Fox is basically mounting his Dad in celebration like Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls ... it has to be one of the strangest last few seconds of any movie that's ever been made.

Although this only gets us 2/3 of the way through the chat, I think that's a good couple of notes to end on. What better sums up a Simmons chat than a quick reminder that Boston is full of racists and that Bill likes Teen Wolf? Yup, I've definitely had just about enough of this.

Oh, one last thing- Karate Kid!