Mariotti Is Back, and He's Taking Shots at Blogs Like Ours Already

I don't have time to cover the whole column he shat out this morning as part of his new gig with AOL Fanhouse. Here are some highlights, though. (And as usual, we will not be linking to him. Find it on your own and read it if you are into hurting your brain.)

I should add I'm doubly thrilled to flee the darker corners of the newspaper business, which was reminding me of Marley the dog in his final days.

Hey-ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Pop culture reference! The newspaper business probably also reminds him of Rod Blagojevich's political career!

The large paper in Chicago, the Tribune, started a digital transition years ago and gave itself a chance. The Sun-Times? The owners became jailbirds, preferring to siphon profits rather than invest in the future.

Whether or not this is true, all I can say is: you stay classy, Jay.

I resigned after the Games with a calm, professional letter,

If the rumors that all he said was "I quit." are true, then no. That is not professional. At all.

They (the Sun-Times) accused me of using Beijing as vacation time ("Hey, kids, let's ditch Hawaii and hang out in a Communist country.").

Awwwwwww. You poor thing. They forced you to go to the Olympics? How did you manage? God, that is so unfair. I'm sure glad my employer didn't make me go to the Olympics. What a shitty time that would have been.

They let a few staff writers, who should focus on doing better work, react with rage reminiscent of Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."

Extremely dated pop culture reference! Suh-weet. Is there room for "Rain Man" anywhere else in here?

I am here to bring you fiercely independent views

By which he means using his column as a forum to level personal attacks at people he has a grudge against.

Expect me to zealously comment on national issues while spanning the country and world to cover events.

Expect him to also compare struggling teams to Britney Spears, and successful teams to Miley Cyrus.

I've never bought into this "mainstream media vs. bloggers" blood war because, in my mind, we're all writers. The best young writers provide compelling takes on sports. The losers wake up each day and attack (choose your ESPN target),

He's talking about us!

an approach that can't attract much audience beyond a few neurotic souls in sports media.

And now he's talking about friend of FireJay Jeff Pearlman. Jeff, idea for your next book: an expose on the 2005 White Sox, featuring every single horrible thing Ozzie Guillen ever said about Mariotti behind closed doors.

Now hear this: I'm a bit too busy to hate bloggers or, really, anyone but terrorists and certain Illinois politicians.

There's your Blagojevich.

I just think they should be writing about Steve Smith, not Stephen A. Smith.

No, we will write about you. Because you are much, much, much worse than Stephen A. Smith. I don't even think Smith has a writing gig anymore.

I'm not going to lie, I kind of missed him. Life just got a little bit more exciting around these parts.