Sunday Night Baseball Liveblog: Yankees! Orioles! Morgan! Miller!

I can't believe I used a Bill Simmons joke in the title. Pretty embarrassing. But get excited, people- I have the feeling we're in for a fuckshow of a broadcast. Tune back in at 8 EST for the fireworks.

7:24 CST: We're almost 10 minutes into ESPN's coverage, and Joe has yet to utter a single word. What a beautiful world we live in.

7:25 CST: The first words out of Joe's mouth: (After a bit of an introduction from Jon)

You know, when I think about Yankee Stadium, I don't think about my own accomplishments here.

So what you're saying is... the first thing you think about when someone says "Yankee Stadium" is your own accomplishments there. Joe has some of the most transparent false modesty I've ever seen/heard.

7:36 CST: Jon is "surprised" that so many fans brought cameras to record the events of tonight's game. No punchline needed.

7:43 CST: Joe wants us to know that Derek Jeter received a crystal award today for passing Lou Gehrig on the Yankee Stadium all-time hits list. He also adds some very stern-voiced commentary:

Anytime you pass Lou Gehrig, or Babe Ruth, for anything... that's special.

This is why he wins the Emmys, folks.

7:59 CST: Jon thinks that A-Rod "would seem to be a good candidate" to hit the final home run in Yankee Stadium tonight. Call me nuts, but my money's on Jose Molina.

8:04 CST: Joe's analysis as to why Orioles starter Chris Waters is having such a successful night so far:

He's got all the pitches you'd expect a crafty lefty to have: cut fastball, change up, slider.

So... he has the same pitches that lots of non-crafty non-lefties have. Also worth noting: has "all the pitches" you'd expect a crafty lefty to have, but no curve. This is one of those great double-wrong situations.

8:10 CST: Joe has a question for Whitey Ford:

How far and how often do you get to Yankee Stadium?

That man is a master of prepositions.

8:19 CST: Jon reminisces with Whitey about some old Yankees pitcher (don't know which one) who "lost his no hitter on the one hit he gave up!" Doing this liveblog thing has made start to realize that Joe is dragging Jon down with him. It's a race to the bottom... where John Kruk awaits to devour them both.

8:27 CST: In something that falls inbetween an abortion of a joke and horrible attempt to put a spin a well-known nickname, Jon mentions that beause Johnny Damon just hit a 3 run home run they might have to "start calling [it] the house that Damon built!" Again, no punchline needed.

8:38 CST: This is just me being a hater, but Peter Gammons's saccharine-sweet monologues drive me batty. Just because it works in print format doesn't mean it will work in broadcast format. Gag me. (Larry B crosses arms, slumps shoulders, and scowls)

8:43 CST: Joe demonstrates a knowledge of basic geometry in noting that Jay Payton beat out an infield hit in part by:

Running straight down the chalk line, which gets you there faster.

8:54 CST: Joe fondly remembers the time he hit a home run in Yankee Stadium during an All-Star game. This is at least the third story he's told about himself and his own accomplishments so far tonight. But trust him, when he thinks about Yankee Stadium, he doesn't think about his own accomplishments. At all.

8:55 CST: Son of a bitch bastard. Jose Molina just went yard. Check out my 7:59 CST comment, which I promise on my dead cat's grave is unedited. If this prediction holds up, I am retiring from the blog and moving to Hawaii.

9:08 CST: More Emmy-worthy blabber from Joe:

Any time your name is connected to the Babe's... you're pretty good.

THANKS, JOE.

9:11 CST: The one thing Joe usually doesn't mess up is hitting analysis, but he lays an egg here re: how Pettitte has been pitching to righties tonight:

A lot of guys are looking for that cut fastball, but instead [they're getting] that straight fastball riding in on their hands.

A lefty throws cut fastballs to right handed hitters specifically to get pitches in on their hands. Pettitte may be having success tonight with the straight fastball, but it's not because he's getting it in on their hands. Just saying.

9:21 CST: Joe insists, for the second time tonight, that the Yankee Stadium "mystique" will easily transfer over to the new stadium because of the fans. Apparently he hasn't read this piece by Dan-Bob.

9:23 CST: Joe notes that fans tonight were chanting "An-dy Pet-titte" and "Der-ek Je-ter." But back when Reggie Jackson played for the Yankees, fans simply chanted "Reg-gie, Reg-gie" and omitted his last name. He then surmises that that's the true measuring stick for superstardom- if people identify you only by your first name. And, master of humility that he is, he then asks Jon to simply refer to him as "Joe" from that point forward. What. A. Cockhead.

9:30 CST: Joe tells perhaps the most awkward story I've ever heard, about his encounter with Spike Lee and their discussion about Lee's soon to be released "Miracle at St. Anna." I can't transcribe the whole story, but all you need to really know is that it ended with:

So I told him I'd go see it. I mean, he didn't give me any free passes or anything. But I still told him I'd go see it.

You make (presumably) hundreds of thousands of dollars per year by talking (often foolishly) about baseball. I think you can afford a $9 movie ticket.

9:37 CST: Jon Miller, in a discussion about Reggie Jackson's career playoff accomplishments, just repeatedly referred to OPS as "ops." As in, not "oh pee ess," but just- ops. Say "cops" but take off the "c." I don't know why, but this is cracking me up big time. I might even start doing it myself. Ops? What the fuck. Ops. I love it.

Ops.

10:03 CST: This isn't really anyone's fault, but having Michael Kay in the booth to do play by play as he carries on a conversation with Jon and Joe is awkward as hell. It's like going on a first date with a girl who talks constantly but also bringing your best friend.

10:12 CST: This sucks. With Kay in there being relatively smart (annoying, but still, not retarded) I've got nothing to make fun of. Joe is likely to mail in the rest of the night. Too bad.

10:26 CST: I think Joe's on a bathroom break. Odds that he comes back and says anything before the night is over: roughly the same as the odds that Jose Molina hits the last home run in Yankee Stadium history.

10:31 CST: Just wanted to point out that Orioles SS Brandon Fahey has a rat-like face that rivals Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan's.

10:33 CST: PNoles notes the irony in that Derek Jeter just had the last Yankee AB in Yankee Stadium... but in order to secure that title/milestone, he had to make an out. How steely-eyed.

10:34 CST: The camera shows Mariano Riveria warming up in the Yankee pen. Joe's keen powers of observation kick in:

He's still down there in the bullpen throwing. I can see him throwing.

10:47 CST: Well, stab my dick with a javelin. Remember that time I said Jose Molina would hit the last home run in Yankee Stadium's history? You're welcome.

Also- Ops.

10:56 CST: Jon is worried that "it might just now be setting in" for some fans that this is the last time they'll see the Yankees in this stadium. Any fan in that stadium just now coming to that realization has an open invitation from me to go play in traffic.

11:10 CST: I could watch these Dolphins/Patriots highlights alllllllll night. Oh yeah, and I guess that means we're done with the liveblog. And this was the last Sunday Night Baseball telecast of the year. Too bad. Well, assuming TBS has rights to some postseason games, which I assume they do, you'll be hearing more from PNoles and I well into October. Those TBS announcers are an embarrassment.