Pat Forde Wishes Nick Saban Was His Dad, and It Makes Me Want to Jump in Front of a Bus

But before I get to that, let me clear out some clutter I accumulated in my brain while watching football this weekend:

-During Saturday night's Penn State/Illinois game, the Nittany Lions were facing a 3rd and 9 from their own 21 with about 14:00 remaining in the first quarter. There was, obviously, no score. Kirk Herbstreit could have picked any number of adjectives to describe the nature of the third down conversion PSU was facing; he went with "huge." (Emphasis his.) That was a poor, poor choice.

-For reasons that only God or possibly my hangover could hope to explain, I actually bothered to watch most of the Browns/Bengals game today. And in doing so, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that former Raiders and Chiefs QB Rich Gannon is a great color commentator. He's the anti-Joe Morgan; almost everything he said made sense, and he didn't once talk about his own accomplishments. (This despite having ample opportunity to do so, as neither QB in this game played like they could start for a decent D-I college team.)

-In stark contrast were the contributions of Tony Siragusa to the Packers/Buccaneers game that was happening at the same time. What a fucking pudwhacker. My theory about him is that he's like Milton from the movie Office Space. FOX actually fired him several years ago and he no longer receives a paycheck, but no one has the heart to tell him to stop showing up for work.

-During the Cowboys/Redskins game, Troy Aikman provided this analysis re Dallas's DeMarcus Ware and an angry reaction a couple of Washington players provoked out of him:

They [defensive linemen] don't like it when they've got an offensive lineman engaging them up top, and then they have a back going down on them as well.

I don't think you can show that on broadcast TV. I'm not even sure if you can say it.

-This is a general observation unrelated to the sports media, but it's pretty annoying how often guys' helmets are coming off this year. It's like a new fad where players are intentionally not strapping them on tightly enough because it looks awesome when they fly off. (To the credit of Aikman and Joe "A Disgusting Act!" Buck, they're the only announcing team I've heard comment on the phenomenon so far this fall.) Anyways, I'm thinking it maybe goes back to that Jason Witten play last year where he got his helmet torn off while shedding a tackle and then ran thirty yards down the field without it. I admit, that was kind of cool. There are a few problems with the current trend (presumably) emulating that play, however:

1) Witten looked cool because he lost his hat while doing something positive for his team. Ninety percent of the guys I've seen get theirs popped off this year, however, have had that happen while getting fucking crushed by someone in a very negative fashion. Even worse than it happening when you're getting tackled during a non-exciting play on offense is having it happen when you're trying to tackle someone. See: one of the North Carolina guys who got dumptrucked on a crackback block during a punt return in their game against Miami on Saturday. I mean, if you're going to get decleated on national TV, at least try to keep your face as obscured as possible.

2) I don't want to sound like a mom or something, but it seems like this is probably an unsafe practice. (Again, assuming it is an intentional practice. I mean, maybe it's just a coincidence that you see like five or six guys a game losing their helmets this year as opposed to zero or one in years past. But probably not.) If you watch the hit that knocked Anquan Boldin unconscious today, it looks like his helmet is in the process of popping off when the second hit (the one that did most of the damage) comes in. Just saying. Maybe in the interest of, you know, not sustaining horrible injuries, guys should try to keep the thing that prevents their head from being crushed like a melon as secure as possible. Just an idea.

Anyways, onto this piece of crap Forde wrote. There's something... puffy about it.

Scott Cochran knew what he was cussing about after all.

As the Alabama strength coach famously predicted during practice last week, the blackout was a bleepin' funeral for Georgia, which lost 41-30.

"Famously" being used very loosely here. I consume about as much sports media as is humanly possible for someone who also has a day job/activity, and I heard nothing about this. If you Google "Scott Cochran predict Alabama Georgia funeral" or some derivation thereof, you will see zero results besides this article itself that aren't from a blog or message board.

In fact, the blackout was a blowout until two late embalming-fluid touchdowns by the overwhelmed home team. Rest in pieces, Bulldogs.

But in classic circle-of-life form, this upset romp wasn't just an interment. It also was a rebirth for the Crimson Tide as a full-on title contender.

The prose is getting pretty purple around here. Life! Death! Cycles thereof! Most importantly, football!

In near-record time.

It's fucking September. They've played five games. To quote Harvey Keitel, let's not go sucking each other's dicks just yet.

It has taken Nick Saban all of 18 games as coach to rocket Alabama from having a losing record to digging graves for top-10 opponents.

He spent one of those 18 games losing to Louisiana-Monroe during homecoming weekend last November. He spent another one losing to Mississippi State, and yet another losing to his school's most hated rival. So clearly, he's the next Bear Bryant. (I'm not saying he's definitely not... I'm saying, why is Pat so fucking certain that he's got everything under control? IT'S STILL SEPTEMBER.)

And it has taken this 2008 Tide team a month to go from unranked in the preseason USA Today coaches' poll to possibly No. 1 when the new rankings come out this week.

Has anyone ever done that?

Probably. You're the guy getting paid to write this. Maybe you could take the time to research and answer your own question.

Alabama stands alongside Oklahoma as the two most impressive teams to date. On my ESPN.com power rankings ballot, I'll give the edge to the 5-0 Tide.

Can we also award them the 2008, 2009, and 2010 BCS Championship trophies? I don't see any reason why we shouldn't.

"We probably played the best half of football we've played all season long," said the endlessly demanding Saban, who fumed at his team's second-half lapses as much as he praised its first-half brilliance. "It couldn't have come at a better time."

Understand this: Nick Saban could not have come to Tuscaloosa at a better time.

Clever. But wouldn't it maybe have been even better timing for him to show up last year and save them from ekeing out an embarrassing 7-6 season, which included a home loss to a team from the Sun Belt? Oh, that's right. He was there for that.

This is why you pay a guy $32 million over eight years. Because he's just that good.

Nauseating. I'm not disputing that the guy obviously knows how to coach. (In the NCAA, anyways.) He has the numbers and ring to prove it. But really, what's the point of a sentence like that? If it's not: "I'm Pat Forde, and I love Nick Saban with all my heart and soul," then I'm afraid I can't parse it.

He's that relentless as a recruiter, bringing in instant-impact players like freshman wide receiver Julio Jones (who had five catches for 94 yards and a touchdown Saturday) and juco transfer nose tackle Terrence Cody (who's just a scary man at 6-foot-5 and 365 pounds).

I'm fucking exhausted of this Jones guy already. You can't watch college football-related programming for more than five minutes this fall without hearing about him. Let's just award him the Heisman tomorrow and immediately send him to the St. Louis Rams. I'm sure they could use him. Also- you know who Saban didn't recruit? Almost every Alabama player who made an impact against Georgia.

He's that painstaking in preparation, overseeing a game plan that rendered Georgia Heisman Trophy candidate Knowshon Moreno almost useless and burned the Bulldogs' defense repeatedly. Moreno got just nine carries as Georgia was forced strictly into the passing game.

Clearly, Saban's precise, exact gameplan (verbatim) was "take a 31 point lead so Moreno doesn't get any carries." What a genius. Here's an idea- any time Team A beats Team B by taking a big early lead and never relinquishing it, and Team B has a great running back who doesn't get enough carries, let's credit Team A for "painstakingly" crafting a gameplan that would achieve that exact result.

Saban is that persistent in pursuit of perfection. It's why he treats praise like poison.

Hopefully he reads this article and slips into a coma, then.

It's why the thought of Alabama ranked No. 1 is at least mildly appalling.

What a horrendous use of false understatement. Forde- you stink.

It's why he smiles less than Spock.

Did Jonah Keri write this?

He never looks happy. Public happiness might be construed as satisfaction, and satisfaction could lead to slacking off, and slacking off could lead to losing, and Nick Saban would rather sleep with snakes than lose.

What a beautiful man. I'm nominating him for Time "Person of the Year." I think he should replace Chuck Norris in terms of having annoying one-liners about how great he is being pasted all over the fucking internet by 13 year olds.

"Once you lose your intensity, it's hard to get it back," Saban said. He was lamenting Alabama's third-quarter miscues that let Georgia back in the game, but he might as well have been describing his approach to football. Eternal intensity.

Fuck. That. I used to think you were an alright dude, Forde. I didn't mind your "Forde Yard Dash" column, even if your choice of "Dashette" for the week was pretty borderline. That ship, however, has sailed. I know I've sounded like a hater throughout this piece. That's probably because I am. But the question remains, for haters and non-haters alike... who the fuck writes like this, especially about someone like Nick fucking Saban of all people?

What a zilcheroo.

And please, please, please let some crazy Alabama message board hooligans get ahold of this. I'm begging for it. In case that happens, here's your disclaimer-

1) I'm not an Auburn fan
2) I'm not a Georgia fan
3) I'm actually a fan of a team that hasn't played Alabama for more than 20 years
4) I just hate Nick Saban... a lot
5) And for what it's worth, now I hate Pat Forde too