Who Did You Miss More: Me For the Last Week, or Gregg Easterbrook For the Last Several Months?

I'm sure the answer is "neither," but please read on anyways. You've come this far already- why not waste the next six minutes or so? To his credit, I will acknowledge that TMQ leads his first column of the 2008 season with a fantastic excoriation of Brett Favre. I couldn't agree more with his opinions on the matter. Of course, everything grabs the express train to Shitstown shortly thereafter.

The Book of Revelation Warns, "Verily, Ye Shall Know the End of Days Approaches When All Bow Before the Airheaded One." The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover.

You are a snob.

Buyers Received a Free Copy of Madden 2010: The 2009 Toyota Corolla went on sale in March 2008.

Nobody cares.

Excuse Me, Could You Move That Cargo Ship? I'm Trying to Tan: The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach.

That's the whole item. There is no other text anywhere else in the article that relates to it or further clarifies why it's here. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag. "The Great American Lager" is now La Grande Bière Blonde Américaine. Days after becoming Belgian, Anheuser Busch signed a deal to sponsor the U.S. Olympic team through 2012. They will tell us not to worry when the training table menu for the U.S. Olympic team mysteriously becomes chocolates and burgers with bordelaise -- cheeseburgers with bordelaise being an actual fast-food item at Quick, Belgium's answer to McDonald's. They will tell us not to worry while Budweiser brewery workers in St. Louis are ordered to attend mandatory classes in snobbery and surrender, the Scylla and Charybdis of Belgian culture.

Oh, the irony. Those Belgians are such pompous asshats. Get over yourself, Belgium! (Actually, I've been to Belgium once, no joke. Spent one night in Brussels. The people seemed friendly enough, but really blew at giving directions. Anyways-)

Globalization Strips to Two-Piece: The Redskins cheerleaders were hired to promote a cricket team in India, and caused a local sensation by being "too sexy." TMQ does not recognize that there is any such concept as "too" sexy. Though you can understand why scantily clad cheer-babes did not mesh with cricket. Excitement and cricket do not go together!

Hey, and what's the deal with that airplane food? How come men always leave the toilet seat up? Black people and white people suuuuuuuuuuuure are different. Tip your wait staff, everyone.

New York Times Correction of the Year: The New York Times recently published a correction of a correction: "An article on Saturday about Representative Charles B. Rangel's defense of his use of four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem, and a correction in this space on Wednesday, omitted the source of an assertion …"

Who edits this column? Seriously, I don't want to be a hypocrite and make a hacky joke, but this thing is long enough as it is. I really don't think this piece of crap or the part about the beached ship are 100% necessary.

Tracy, Hepburn to Star in "Wall-E II": Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots. But then again, compared to most of today's megabucks Hollywood stars, mute robots have broad acting range.

I'm imagining Gregg delivering this in front of a gritty brick wall with a spotlight shining down on him. I'm also imagining a distinct and deafening silence ensuing shortly thereafter.

"Michelangelo's 'Pieta & Robin' Left Me Staggering!" -- Orvieto Daily Etruscan: An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering."

I didn't think it was the best movie of all time, but I can't disagree that the presentation very well may have left me (figuratively) staggering.

The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."

I'm sure that comment wasn't meant to be intentionally over the top.

Gives New Meaning to "Cheat Keys": If the NFL won't suspend Bill Belichick for his sins in Spygate, how about this punishment: Put him on the cover of the next "Madden" game!

I can't think of any other ways to point out how unfunny this guy is.

Though it is Possible God Sent Erwin Lutzer and Sharon Stone to Punish Humanity: Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians. The Chinese government does persecute Christians, but Lutzer's claim was too much even for Fox News -- the host countered that the dead were poor people who do not make government policy. The same month, Sharon Stone suggested the earthquake was "karmic" retribution for Beijing's repression of Tibet. This cost Stone her role as endorser for Dior, which is selling well in China, and inspired the official Xinhua News Agency to dub Stone "the public enemy of all mankind."

Please -- it was an earthquake, a spontaneous movement of the Earth's crust. It was not sent by God, by the karmic wheel or by any larger agency. It just happened. Some Christians insist on believing God controls daily events; there's no indication of this in history, and this is never claimed in scripture. (The notion of divine control of daily life comes from preaching and from hymnals, not the Bible.) As for karma, many forms of evidence, for instance the world's corrupt wealthy people living in luxury, run against the contention that misdeeds are repaid by fate. Like all natural disasters, the earthquake was just something awful that happened. Don't insult the dead by saying a cosmic force actually wanted them to die.

I've got two words for you: Football. Gods. And if you think Easterbrook doesn't actually believe in them, just go back and read (among others) the piece he put out after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Hilarious, yes- but also thoroughly insistent upon the existence of karmic/cosmic forces.

Warning: Read Thriller Under Water: Ads for the latest from genre-thriller writer David Baldacci contain the statement, "When Balducci is on fire, no one can touch him!" If he was on fire, no one would want to touch him.

Taking everything really literally- always a great comedic tactic.

Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take? Below are the results of trade-downs in the first round of the 2008 draft, noting who passed on whom and what the team gained by trading down; the list takes into account players you'd have thought the teams would have been interested in. New England passed on Sedrick Ellis, Derrick Harvey and Keith Rivers, in order to take Jerod Mayo and gain third-round linebacker Shawn Crable. Baltimore passed on Rivers, Mayo, Leodis McKelvin and Ryan Clady in order to take Joe Flacco and gain third- and fourth-round picks minus a sixth-round pick. Detroit passed on Branden Albert in order to take Gosder Cherilus and gain fifth-round wide receiver Kenny Moore. Houston passed on offensive tackles Jeff Otah and Sam Baker in order to take offensive tackle Duane Brown and gain running back Steve Slaton, plus add a sixth-round choice. Philadelphia passed on Otah and Baker in the first round, then high in the second round passed on Jordon Dizon, Malcolm Kelly and Limas Sweed, in order to take Trevor Laws and Quintin Demps, plus bank Carolina's 2009 first-round pick. Green Bay passed on Dustin Keller, Kenny Phillips and Devin Thomas in order to take Jordy Nelson and gain Dwight Lowery.

This is extremely relevant right now, before any of these guys have played a down or established themselves as useful or crappy. Thank you so much. I'll be sure to come back and re-read this list one to three years from now, when it actually means anything.

Phase One of Rupert Murdoch's Master Plan for the Wall Street Journal: From the Wall Street Journal's "Fiscally Fit" column by Terri Cullen: "The recent rise in gasoline prices has prompted my husband and me to change a few habits to save money -- to cut back on unnecessary car trips ... and switch to a gas station that consistently offers lower prices." Wait a minute, why were you taking "unnecessary car trips" in the first place? Why merely cut back, why not eliminate "unnecessary" driving? And if you know of a gas station that "consistently offers lower prices," why weren't you already patronizing it? Remember, the speaker is a financial advice columnist!

*Larry B stares blankly at his computer screen*

TMQ Disclaimer: Linebacker Violence, English Language, Cheerleader Sensuality: TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."

It sure is hard to get anything done around here with all these bulky straw men filling up the room. Listen, pud- those disclaimers aren't there to suggest to viewers that the movies aren't violent. They're there to clarify the type of violence involved, because to many viewers, certain types of violence are "worse" than others. Case in point-

In this summer's euphemisms, ads for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" warned of "adventure violence" -- it's not really violence if you're having an adventure!

You know why the ads say that? Because "adventure violence," e.g., an exciting car chase, isn't really on the same level as "intense wartime violence" or "graphic rape violence." It's not too hard to figure out. Yes, the movie companies are attempting to downplay the violent nature of their movies a little bit. But it's not like they're denying the existence of the violence.

Ads for "Prince Caspian" cautioned of "epic battle action and violence," ads for "The Incredible Hulk" warned of "intense action violence." How is "intense action violence" different from "violence"?

It's a subset of the general category. Not hard to figure out. They're clarifying, not eliminating.

Ads for "Wanted" cautioned of "strong bloody violence" -- is there meek, lighthearted violence?

Yeah, I'd say there definitely is. Someone stomping on a flowerbed might fit the bill. How about a car crashing into a lamppost at 5 mph? Just saying.

Ads for "Speed Racer" -- a children's movie! -- cautioned of "some violence." In what sense is "some violence" different from violence?

It means that parts of the movie have violence, but it's not a thoroughly violent movie from start to finish. Fucking fuck- you have to explain everything to this guy.

Department Store Promotes Beefcake; This Really Must Be the Third Millennium: The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch. It was a Macy's ad! The Macy's Beckham near-nude photo also ran as a billboard in San Francisco's Union Square. Maybe there's something about David that Posh doesn't know?

Because obviously he has control over where Macy's posts his picture. (Oops. I just tried to be funny by taking something too literally. FireJay- where hypocrisy comes to live!)

Amazingly, the Aston Martin Did Not Suddenly Convert into a Submarine: James Bond was attacked by an irate Chilean mayor. Carlos Lopez was angry that though the new Bond movie was filming in the rustic Chilean town of Baquedano, the scene depicts Bolivia. Later, the formulaic-action-movie gods punished the Bond producers by causing an Aston Martin being driven to a set in Italy to plunge off a road into Lake Garda.

Dude. You're killing me.

I think this has been sufficiently long, anyone disagree? Feel free to leave a comment. And if it's a negative comment, feel free to shit in a hat and then put it on and wear it around all day.