So CBS has a bunch of "NEW RULES OF BASEBALL"

Pretty exciting stuff. Purportedly these are ideas to make the game more exciting. Instead they are just a bunch of really stupid or impractical rules.

Rule #1 (By Editor Eric Kay):

No stadiums, not listed in media guides as residing on Yawkey Way, are permitted to play Neil DIamond's "Sweet Caroline," or any cover rendition or spoof.

Yeah. Wonderful. The #1 priority in revising baseball rules--preserve the not-so-sacred tradition of Red Sox fans obnoxiously singing some stupid song that has nothing to do with baseball. I know this should signal a sort of levity on the rule-makers part, but having investigated the rest of the rules, which they take pretty seriously, I've noticed these obnoxious "new rules of baseball" fall into three categories:

1.) PWESERVING TWADITION!
2.) TOO MANY HOME WUNS!
3.) PLAYERZ R LAZY/MEAN/WIMPS/DON'T RESPECT THE GAME

Obviously this is meant to qualify in category 1.)

Rule #2 (By MLB Producer Adriane Rosen):

No team, stadium, or minor league affiliate can have cheerleaders, dancers, or baton twirlers before, during or after a game.

Frankly, I don't mind this rule at the major league level--baseball doesn't need to be like basketball or football (although, do any MLB teams really have cheerleaders?), but what the hell is up with the minor league provision? You mean it's ok to have parachuting guys dressed up like Aliens on "Roswell Night" or have douchebags shoot T-shirts out of cannons but it's not ok to have dancers or baton girls like pretty much every SEC college baseball team does? I um...I don't get it.

Rule #3 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Unless you're sitting in a box seat or bleacher seat in Wrigley Field in Chicago, or you're sitting on a rooftop seat across the street, there will be no tossing a baseball onto the field following an opponent's home run. You do this in Wrigley Field, where they invented it, it's cool. You do it in any other park in the United States, you're simply an unoriginal copycat.

Ok look: The intention behind this rule is fairly noble: Keep douchefucks in, say, Anaheim from throwing balls on the field like cocksuckers. But guess what: You're still a cocksucker if you do it at Wrigley. In fact you're doubly a cocksucker because it's most likely that YOU'RE THROWING BACK A FAKE BALL

Also, does anyone else find it funny that he says "sitting in a box seat or a bleacher"? As in, "you're not a douchebag if you're throwing back foul balls at Wrigley".

Anyway, all claims to "Rookie of the Year" being a sweet movie will not be considered in the comments section, so don't fucking try me.

Rule #4 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Guys get into the game, rooting on their teammates. Maybe it will even sound like girls' softball at times. If you hear this, you should shut up and pitch.

Huh? I mean...huh? Does this refer to something I'm missing? There's a picture of Pedro, so.... Huh? I'll chalk this one up to cw just don't get it.

Rule #5 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Joba's fist pumps. K-Rod gyrates and points to the heavens. That's fine. But you give up a homer and the batter dances a jig all the way to first, no griping about the batter showing you up. And if you drill him with a pitch after that, you're ejected.

Rule #5: Things should be exactly as they already are.

Rule #6 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Move a hitter off the plate. But if you intentionally drill him after a homer, you're ejected. The answer to a home run is this: Make a better pitch next time.

Rule #6: Things should still be exactly as they already are. Apparently Scott Miller is of the mistaken impression that if an ump knows you hit a batter on purpose you WON'T be ejected...as long as he hit a homer the last time up.

Rule #7 (By Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Body armor? No. Not for anyone. NO grand-fathering it in. Barry Bonds' elbow pad was as big as a mid-sized sports car. A-Rod's is as large as a rhinoceros. No more. It's past time to give the pitchers a break.

Ho-hum.

Rule #8 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

The mound will be raised to Bob Gibson-era levels. And the designated hitter will be eliminated. And any pitcher hitting lower than .200 will be required to take extra BP every day.

Everyone knows baseball attained perfection in the 60's.

Let's ignore the DH debate. I'm bored by it. But seriously--raise the mounds? Remember in the late-90's early -00's before everyone woke up to the obvious fact that Sosa and McGwire were juicing? Remember when people suspected the balls might be juiced and that's why hitters were dominating? Do you remember that?

Now do you remember: Did people think it would have been a GOOD thing if the balls were juiced?

Now imagine an era where pitching is as dominant as hitting was in the late-90's early-00's. Imagine that nearly every pitcher in the league has an ERA below 3.50 and the best pitchers are putting up 1.80 ERA's. Most games end 2-1 and the batting champ in the NL (or AL, doesn't matter, since the DH's been abolished) has a .289 average.

Now imagine that people could be so inured to this good pitching that they could be blase about a pitcher winning 30 games or clearing 300 strikeouts. NOW imagine that this came to be because the league DECIDED TO ARTIFICIALLY INCREASE PITCHER DOMINANCE BY RAISING THE FUCKING FOOL ASS MOUNDS.

Sounds like a recipe for success! Or how about this: how about we look at 2008 and see that both hitters and pitchers are having incredible, but not unrealistic success and realize that 2008's talent dispersion is pretty awesome and at least has the appearance of not being artificially manufactured, and let's think about how maybe WE DON'T NEED TO CHANGE THAT.

Also: Pitcher's taking batting practices? Now I've seen EVERYTHING (except maybe an alligator wearing sunglasses.

Rule #9 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Any pitcher who doesn't think he can drag his pretty little self into the batter's box without being humiliated will be required to watch video of Micah Owings, Carlos Zambrano and CC Sabathia.

Man Scott Miller's on a roll isn't he? Well, this definitely isn't a logical fallacy, right?

Let's take a look at the thought process here:

1.) Pitchers, as a rule, are generally poor hitters.
2.) The league average for BA by pitchers is, year in and year out, substantially worse than any other position
3.) Micah Owings, Carlos Zambrano and (huh) CC Sabathia have hit fairly well (Mike Hampton too, I suppose)
4.) If a pitcher thinks the odds are stacked against him hitting, well, whatever would give him THAT idea?

This is sort of like saying "For the average Sunday golfer who thinks he can't break 90, just watch a video tape of Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, and, jeez, I dunno, Jean VanDeVelde, and TELL ME you can't shoot a front-nine 34"

Also: CC Sabathia has 12 hits in his 8 year career. Just saying.

Also: Is this really a rule? Like...is it enforceable? Is Bud Selig really going to impose a judgment that Greg Maddux needs to watch tape of Carlos Zambrano (This is obviously a hypothetically flawed situation as everyone knows Bud Selig never does anything). But the point remains.

Rule #10 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

There will be no more pointing to the sky upon crossing home plate following a home run. We have--or supposedly have--separation of church and state in this country. The least we can do is have a separation of church and baseball.

Three potential ways I considered going with this one.

1.) "Hey douchebag: baseball is not an institution of the state"

2.) "Hey douchebag: what is a greater violation of the establishment clause--allowing people to express their religious beliefs in a non-state sponsored event, or forbidding them from expressing their religious beliefs in a non-state sponsored event?"

3.) "Hey douchebag: BASEBALL IS MY CHURCH!" [/wpkinsella]

Rule #11 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Each player shall be required to explain the importance of Jackie Robinson and list his 10 favorite Hall of Famers, complete with reasons why. We cannot appreciate who we are and the blessings we have without a working knowledge of our past

Wowee, Scott's on a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Seriously, he's crapping out gems like they were corn niblets.

Who doesn't know who Jackie Robinson was? Latin players maybe. Does Scott think the Latin players are ruining baseball? I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think it's clear that he definitely does.

"Those [anti-latino epithet]s probably are all like Jackie who? But then they all love Roberto Clemente. Ohhhhh man it makes me so sick I want to vomit like the time I went to [some Mexican restaurant] and puked all over [some chick who never called him again] and then went home and cried into my pillow all night thinking about how MLB players today don't appreciate Pie Traynor or Home Run Baker."

--something Scott Miller undoubtedly did (or did not) say.

Seriously. Who cares? I mean, I kind of care. It would be nice if A-Rod understood who Honus Wagner was and looked up to him and stuff. That might help me appreciate the game a little more. But inevitably, I don't give a shit. Because I like, you know, baseball, not a fucking soap opera drama in which my favorite players are fucking human interest stories. Unless they are a human interest story. Like for instance, did you know that Melvin Mora has quintuplets? That's totally interesting.

I think all MLB players should be required to have quintuplets. Even Mike Piazza.

Rule #12 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Ernie Harwell and Vin Scully will broadcast the All-Star game every year, without exception. Jon Miller can join them if he would like.

Fine. Vin Scully and Ernie Harwell are great. Jon Miller's even a pretty great broadcaster despite his tendency to overpronounce Latino names at the expense of pronouncing them accurately (I'm reminded of a SNL skit from the awful early 90's where a white bread news team would pronounce latino names ridiculously to the chagrin of the latino newsman alongside: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrodrrrrrrrrrrrrrriguez. And so on).

Scott Miller hits this rule out of the park though, to get back on track. VIN SCULLY GOOD! Oh sure, the rule's completely impractical and has almost nothing to do with being a "rule of baseball" (RULE OF BASEBALL: CAMERAS USED TO FILM THE GAME SHOULD BE 1080p!!!!!!! RULE OF BASEBALL: AFLAC TRIVIA QUESTIONS MUST NEVER USE WIKIPEDIA TO CONFIRM THEIR ACCURACY!!!!!!). But still. Vin Scully is quite excellent.

Rule #13 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Hank Steinbrenner shall be required to issue a statement about something every day at 10 a.m. during the season. Simply for our entertainment.

Fuck you Scott Miller.

Rule #14 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miler):

There will be no umpire warnings after a batter is hit by a pitch--until the score is even. You intentionally hit my slugger, I get a free shot at your slugger. But only one. And then we're even.

Big eyeroll for Scott Miller. To people who don't get baseball this seems reasonable. But there's two major problems.

a.) A warning is not issued when an umpire KNOWS a batter is hit intentionally. It's issued when an umpire THINKS a batter's been hit intentionally. If he KNEW a batter were hit intentionally he can and WOULD throw that pitcher out.

b.) The purpose of a warning is, and ONLY IS, to prevent retaliatory plunkings. Period. If you're going to say "well I like the warning system, but only AFTER a retaliatory plunking is allowed" then you're an idiot. That's like saying "well I like the fact that a batter gets a hit if Lenny Randle gets on his hands and knees and blows a slow roller foul, but maybe he should have to go back to the batters box and try again to get that hit, with an additional strike credited against him. But then if he gets a hit it should count."

This is stupid. I am with Scott in THEORY--get rid of the warning system. I've seen my White Sox get plunked myriad times (usually by the A's) only to have the warnings thrown out, even after it happens in the third straight game. Either throw the dude out or let us get our shot, but this warning shit is bullshit. But that's all a warning's good for. Scott Miller doesn't get it. But at least he's MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller.

Rule #15 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

The strike zone will be enlarged and actually called as laid out in the rule book. Yes, this means the high strike at the letters. And there will be no bitching about it.

Sure, dude. Let's widen the strike zone UP. What exactly are you trying to accomplish? It's not going to improve pitching and it's not going to improve hitting. How bout we just leave the fucking strike zone the way it fucking is.

Rule #16 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

No hot dog will cost more than $2 and no beer will cost more than $5. Especially in the new ballparks.

Scott Miller likes high ticket prices!!!!

Rule #17 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Wine and sushi no longer will be permitted at concession stands.

But Scott Miller does not like you frou-frou nancy boys!

Rule #18 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

Each team will schedule two doubleheaders a season. These will not be day-night, split-gate doubleheaders. They will be the old-fashioned, two-for-the-price-of-one affairs.

But Scott Miller DOES like high ticket prices!

Rule #19 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

"Glory Days" is banned from stadiums. It was a great song before it was played to death. Now, if Bruce will please write another rocker with a verse about baseball, I'll order stadium personnel around the league to play that one every night.

But Scott does NOT like Glory Days. Do not get Scott wrong though: Scott does love THE BOSS.

ps: Does anyone think it's odd that Bruce Springsteen calls a fastball "the ol' speedball"? I've heard a lot of euphemisms for a fastball (the heat, the biz, the cheddar, the pill, the dark one [if there are two strikes]) but I don't think I've ever heard "the ol' speedball")

Rule #20 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

There will be volunteers available throught the park to teach every kid how to score a game, if the child does not already know.

Ok. To sum up:

Scott wants teams' incomes to be cut in the following ways:
1. Teams will cut concession costs, by up to 20% for beer and up to 50% for hot dogs
2. Teams will no longer be able to appeal, especially in places like SF/LA, to the female/metrosexual population by selling sushi and wine for huge profit
3. Teams must sacrifice the revenue for at least one home game (~1.5% of their annual revenue) in order to provide a 2:1 double header

Furthermore teams must increase expenses by putting a bunch of douchebags around the park to teach a bunch of fatherless bastards to keep score.

HOWEVER teams will make up that increased expenditure/lost income by cutting all royalties to Bruce Springsteen...unless he writes another totally ripping song about BASEBALL! (which is not a church)

That's dookie! Meaning that's really the shit.

Rule #21 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

There will be at least one afternoon World Series game each fall so that everyone will have a chance to actually watch a Fall Classic game from start to finish by the time they're 20.

Ok. Whatever. Couple things though:

"by the time they're 20"? What the fuck. Does he think that 19 year old's have a 10:30 bedtime?

Furthermore, the reason the WS usually starts at 8et is so that everyone can see it. You know....those people who couldn't possibly watch an afternoon game because, they're, like, you know at school or work?

Weekend afternoon game, fine. Why not. Sure. You win MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller.

Rule #22 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

No more alternate uniforms. This one especially goes out to the Houston What-Were-You-Thinking Astros. No...more...orange...and...red...rainbow...uniforms.

Yeah. Totally. You know what fans really hate? Alternate uniforms. They...are...completely...ruining...the...game.

Rule #23 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott Miller):

For those lucky enough to catch home run balls, the player who hit it will make time to sign it for the fan before he or she goes home.

Yeah, what could possibly go wrong with this one?

Hey! Why did some of the letters turn blue?

Rule #24 (By MLB Senior Writer Scott MIller):

From now on, when a pitcher commits an error, if that runner scores, it will be an earned run, not an unearned run.

Well, it's your best proposed rule by far, but you know. Whatever. I won't critique this. Yeah. Totally. WHY ISN'T IT AN EARNED RUN.

Lousy pitchers.

In conclusion, I think it's pretty safe to say that this list rules.