Presenting: Punchlines That Write Themselves, Vol. 3

Tony "I Hate Everything" Kornheiser, re: his recent buyout.

"Newspapers aren't dying,'' he said. "They're dead. But was it a sad day when the guys who made the great buggywhips and the beautiful classic carriages saw the first cars rolling off the assembly line? No. It was progress.''

He remembers that event clearly, because he was 33 at the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I rule.