Good Thing Bill Self Didn't Leave Kansas

Gene Wojceichowski spells out all the reasons why this would have been a disastrous decision in an article from early last week. And if you're familiar with Gene, you should realize that when I say "spells out all the reasons," I mean "meanders through a poorly organized junkyard of thoughts and sentences."

Don't do it, Bill Self.

Don't take billionaire T. Boone Pickens' money, even if it means you could walk from Lawrence, Kan., to Stillwater, Okla., on a road paved with his cash.

Call me nuts, I really don't see the point of signing a contract just so you can make a road to your new place of employment out of money. Sure, you get there in style, but what happens next? I'll bet you wish you hadn't just wasted all your money on a bullshit construction project, that's what.

Don't become Dollar Bill,

I get it. Double meaning.

the guy who gets money whipped into leaving hoops heaven for what has become a hoops graveyard.

Yeah, I'll buy the "hoops heaven" part of that. But Okie State? As a graveyard? They were in the bottom half of the Big 12 last season, sure, but they made the dance every year from 1998 to 2005 and were in the stinking Final Four in 2004. They'd be a small fixer-upper, definitely doable for someone like self. You want a major conference "hoops graveyard?" Try Colorado, Northwestern, or Oregon State.

Don't leave Kansas for Oklahoma State. Not now. Not ever. And especially not after you just won one of the greatest Final Four championship games of all time.

How dare you show interest in your alma mater when Gene is still busy having the warm fuzzies? This is like getting mad at a Hollywood couple for breaking up because you really liked it when they played a couple in a movie.

But no matter how much OSU sugar daddy Pickens pulls from his money clip, Self should stay put. The cash might be greener in Stillwater, but the basketball will never be as sweet. How could it?

Well, OSU could win a national championship. Like I already said, they were two games away just four years ago. They're not some podunk D-II school. They don't have the long-term tradition of Kansas, obviously, but they could definitely be taken to similar short-term heights by a guy as talented as Self.

Pickens' money might be able to buy Self, but it can't buy what Self has at Kansas. And it will never buy what Self experienced in San Antonio Monday evening.

What? Money couldn't buy them an exciting national title game? I don't get it. Why is that fact a strike against OSU? Self's new contract at KU can't buy what he experienced in San Antonio last Monday either. That just has to.... happen. No one, not even Michael Jackson, can buy it. Unless "it" refers to a helicopter full of little boys.

List the the best Final Four national title games ever played, and Kansas' 75-68 overtime victory against Memphis will have to be on it. If it isn't, then you need a remedial course in how to be a hoops fan.

FACE on you, casual hoops fan who is considering arguing this point without even realizing it. And the question remains- what does this have to do with Oklahoma State? Are you saying the game wouldn't have been as exciting if Kansas weren't involved? BOOOOOOOOOO.

The Jayhawks were down by nine with 2:12 left in regulation. They were down by five with 83 seconds remaining. They were down by three when Mario Chalmers' 3-point attempt left his hands with a scant 3.4 seconds showing on the clock.

No way a bunch of guys in orange and black jerseys make the comeback. Not a chance. Only a program with the pedigree of Kansas could have pulled that off.

And he made it!

Oh yeah? Did he? I've forgotten- is this an article published on a major sports media outlet's website, or an excited voicemail left shortly after the game ended for a friend who doesn't have a TV?

With Memphis freshman Derrick Rose in his face, and another Memphis player flying toward him, hand outstretched for the block.

Feel free to watch the highlight more than twice so you can figure out who that mystery guy is, Gene. At the same time, am I going to go over to Youtube to figure that out? Hell no. That's why this blog is ironic. Just saying, that's lazy journalism.

Overtime couldn't match those last few minutes of regulation. Memphis was oven baked by then. The Tigers had missed what would have been game-clinching free throws in those final minutes before OT, and then missed fouling KU guard Sherron Collins before he handed it to Chalmers for The Shot.

"All I want to say is I thought we were the national champions," said Memphis coach John Calipari, who was in full zombie mode after the stunning loss. "And that's the great thing about college basketball and sports. Within 30 seconds they make a play and it's OT, and it's on again."

Self now sits happily atop the college basketball world. He's there because of Memphis' mind-boggling collapse, and because KU's players took full advantage of every one of the Tigers' mistakes.

"Maybe just got a little luckier today," said Self.

Article... slowly wandering off topic... pretty much just summarizing shit everyone already knew....

And, we're back!

But now it gets complicated. Oklahoma State is going to make a run at Self. A Tulsa World columnist was throwing around rumored numbers of a $6 million signing bonus and $3.5 million per year.

Could be true. Could be fantasy. But before you dismiss those sort of figures, remember that Pickens donated $165 million to the school to build a football stadium. The guy is a multibillionaire. Think Oprah's Big Give, but with a twang.

Now that's a topical reference. Who's your audience? Males aged 18-35. Who's a good cross-cultural reference for them? Oprah. That's why Gene makes the big bucks, folks.

Self said late Monday night that if Oklahoma State called, he'd listen.

"That's my alma mater," he said.

Alma maters are overrated. So is money.

So is the idea that just because an incredible game happened when a talented coach was in charge of team A, that there's no way said coach could guide team B to the same situation. Actually, it's not overrated, it's just dumb.

"I've said this last week: I would recommend [OSU] go in a different direction," said Self.

He would recommend it, but he isn't married to it.

"I want to visit with my athletic director," he said. "To be real honest with you, I love Kansas. I love my job here and hopefully it will be a situation where I can spend a long time here. I'm certainly not looking to leave, but [KU athletic director] Lew [Perkins] and I got to visit. I'm sure that'll happen in the next couple of days."

Hmmmm... wow, it's clear when you look back on the situation with full knowledge of what happened next, but I have to say that at the time there's no way you could predict that Self was just trying to get more money out of KU. His choice of language is so subtle. You can't really fault Gene for missing the clues here.

First of all, I always get nervous when someone prefaces their remarks with, "To be real honest with you," or, "To be real candid with you." Self does that a lot.

Oh Gene. You're so down to Earth and naive. You wouldn't make it five minutes in the big city, what with all your homely simpleton values. I bet you love it when a guy has a firm handshake and looks you in the eye when he talks to you.

Second, I thought Perkins was going to have a small seizure when I asked him about Self and the OSU dilemma.

"Please don't take away a great night," said Perkins, who added that he'd be willing to discuss the situation on Wednesday.

Yeah, sounds like a small seizure to me. What the fuck are you talking about?

But the question becomes: Is OSU's money worth trading mailing from Lawrence to Stillwater?

Job opening for text editor at ESPN.com.

The answer, of course, is no.

Perkins is one of the reasons the answer should be no. With Perkins you get an AD who has your back during good times and those times when Kansas' fickle, demanding fans have future memory lapses about what happened here Monday night.

Oklahoma State's AD, on the other hand, is Gary Buhse. If fans start complaining about a coach, he tracks the coach down, beats him up, and poops on him.

Kansas is going to offer Self a raise. That's a given. So it's not like Self is going to have to sell Amway products on the side to make ends meet. He can make millions at KU, or more millions at Oklahoma State. So it becomes a matter of how many yachts do you need to ski behind?

Skiing behind yachts... what? Is he talking about water skiing? You can't really do that, unless you have a badass James Bond super turbo yacht. Or is he talking about yachting and skiing, two activities usually associated with rich people? Your guess, as always, is as good as mine.

The chances of winning a national championship at Oklahoma State compared to winning one at KU are, oh, about the equivalent of a No. 12 seed beating a No. 1.

And, sorry, but if a recruit has to choose between Kansas and OSU, where do you think they'll go? Nine times out of 10, KU. Maybe 9.9 times.

"If you can get them on campus, if you can get them on campus when the [Allen] Fieldhouse is full, it's a hard place to say no to," said a coach who knows.

The coach? Bill Self.

Didn't see that one coming, did you. What a setup. Do they give Pulitzers for nonsensical online sports journalism?

Self was the last one up the ladder Monday night. He held a pair of scissors with his right hand and a few moments later, held the freshly snipped net with his left hand.

What poetry. Bill Plaschke would be jealous. The first time I read this article, I held a computer mouse with my right hand and my testicles with my left.

"I thought this would be great," he said. "It's a lot better than I thought it would be."

And it doesn't have to end. Unless he listens to his wallet and not his heart.

Gene Wojceichowski: aware of what is going on in the hearts and minds of everyone. Had Self chosen to leave KU for OSU, it wouldn't have been because his heart told him that building a champion at his alma mater is something even more enticingt to him than helping a perennial winner stay on top. It would be because he wants to get a bunch of money, make a road out of it through one of the shittiest parts of the entire country, and then walk along that road with hands in his pockets and a stupid grin on his face.