Presenting: Punchlines that Write Themselves, Vol. 2

Ryan Dempster Predicts the Cubs Will Win the World Series

Is God playing MadLibs with Cubs pitchers every year, inserting a random name before a stupid comment? I bet next year Ted Lilly will guarantee a Cub dynasty.

"I think we are going to win the World Series. I really do," Dempster said.

"And [last year] we were close, maybe we need some more guys saying it"

I think you need more guys who are good pitchers. Like - not you, Mr. Career 89 ERA+. Maybe you need more good players instead of more below-average pitchers.

Jeter says hearings "a bad time for the game"

Yeah. You said it, Derek. Those assholes, trying to ascertain the truth about what could be a huge steroid-case - probably even bigger than McGwire, second only to Bonds.

"But it's disappointing for everyone who plays baseball -- not just the players, but the management, ownership, commissioner. It's a bad time for the game."

1. Wait a minute - the managment, owners and commissioners play baseball?

2. When would be a good time, Derek? Maybe, like, in the middle of the Yankees' season? I'm pretty sure, of all the times in the year, early February is a pretty damn good time for a story to come out about the Yankees' past - inasmuch as it's the time when the frenzied media is least likely to fall upon the present Yankees.

3. I'm not sure it's a bad time for the commissioner. I think getting to the bottom of the steroid business might be the only think that can save all of baseball fandom from thinking he's a complete moron.

4. It's not like the game is suffering. MLB revenues crossed $6,000,000,000 this past season - nearly catching the NFL. Derek, 1920, 1972 and 1994 were Bad Times for The Game.

2008 is not a bad time for the game.

And yes, it's a total coincedence that Ryan Dempster and Jeter rank near the bottom of my personal favorite baseball players list.