He Just....Doesn't Care if What He Says Is True......

I'm sorry, everyone, for my heavy concentration on Mike Celizic lately. It's really uncreative. At the same time, HatGuy just keeps saying blatantly wrong things. It's hilarious really how little effort he puts into double-checking his work.

Last year’s trade deadline was dull? Just wait
There aren't many players available who would make big splash

Wow. I'll keep this in context of the Yankees so you can stay with me, Celizic.

The Yankees have a giant hole at first base. Mark Teixeira plays first base. He is probably one of the best 8 or so guys at his position. There have been eleventy billion trade rumors concerning him. He is the very definition of "available for trade". You want a splash? That's a fucking cannonball off the high dive by the fat kid who doesn't take his shirt off when he goes to the water park.

If you thought last year’s trade-deadline activity was dull, just watch what happens in the two weeks left before this year’s rolls around. You’re likely to see more action in the backyard watching the grass clippings turn into compost.

This is based on nothing. As you will soon see, he spent less time researching this than articulating that awful, awful joke.

It’s not that there aren’t any teams with needs and the desire to fill them.

The opposite has actually never been true in MLB history. We don't need you to explain that.

Those teams are everywhere, and, as usual at this time of year, most of them would dearly love to get more pitching. It’s just that with so many teams still thinking they have a shot at the postseason and so few big names on the block, this could be as slow a trade season as we’ve ever seen.

Ken Griffey Jr. Adam Dunn. Teixeira. Jon Garland. Dontrelle Willis. There have been rumors regarding Roy Oswalt. These names are not big to you because none of them are: Yankees.

Last year didn’t offer a lot. Bobby Abreu was probably the biggest name to switch teams, and he played well for the Yankees down the stretch. But he didn’t help New York get past Detroit — their deadline pick-up was Sean Casey — in the playoffs. Carlos Lee also moved, traded by the Brewers, who weren’t able to sign the free-agent-to-be, to the Rangers for four players.

Abreu and Carlos Lee are high-profile players. Those trades were very big deals.

The Dodgers managed to wheedle Greg Maddux away from the Cubs, but they, too, didn’t get out of the first round of the playoffs. The Mets got burned with Shawn Green, and St. Louis, the winners of the World Series, settled for bringing in Jeff Weaver, who ended up pitching well in the playoffs for the first time — and maybe the last time — in his life.

Bobby Abreu is now a "bigger" name than Greg Maddux. Huh. Just think, this was the best-written part of this article.

But the big names who were supposed to be available for the right price — Alfonso Soriano, Barry Zito, Dontrelle Willis, Miguel Tejada — didn’t move.

Willis is on the trading block this year too. Was he a bigger name last year than this year? I don't get it. I mean he was a better pitcher last year, but still, that's kind of a double standard.

This year, the big names are few and the likelihood of their moving small.

The Mets are said to be doing everything they can to pry Roy Oswalt from the Astros, but while Houston may know it has no chance this year, it still doesn’t want to ship one of the premier starters in the game out of town.

That's one example. Again. Griffey Jr. Dunn. Teixeira. Garland. Willis. The underrated Javier Vazquez. A currently rebounding Jermaine Dye.

We're about to enter "Celizic does not say anything true" territory. Hold on to your fedoras!

Willis has been the same way in Florida — a bad team’s one superior player.

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So Willis, the guy with a 4.81 ERA and a 1.58 WHIP is the "bad team's one superior player."

Not this guy, because slugging .603 and holding the award of "2nd best 3rd baseman in baseball behind one of the best baseball players of all-fucking-time" doesn't quite fall under Celizic's definition of "superior".

Not this guy, who is one of the premier players at his position and is one of 2007's biggest All-Star snubs.

Nope. It's Willis.

Management could trade him, but only at the risk of alienating the team’s last 23 fans.

He's also eating up over 1/5 the team's payroll, and getting someone to pick up his salary would be huge considering how low the Marlins' payroll is to begin with.

The Giants, though, might consider trading Matt Morris, a serviceable starter, and might even consider moving Barry Zito. The problem there is that Zito, so highly pursued last year, isn’t pitching any better than your average fourth or fifth starter, and a team would have to be desperate to take on his salary on the hope that he can rediscover his mojo.

This is all pretty true. Matt Morris would be of use to many teams, however, and it doesn't really help your case to include him in this discussion.

What you’re more likely to see are the White Sox consider dumping Jose Contreras, Javier Vazquez and/or Jon Garland; Vazquez and Garland have decent sub-4.00 ERAs but neither is better than a game over .500, while Contreras has been a train wreck.

First of all, a sub-4.00 ERA playing in the AL Central and U.S. Cellular is just a wee bit better than "decent". Second, can you think of a reason why neither of them are above .500? Like, is there something else a team does independent of the pitcher that influences whether he gets the win or loss? No? OK, they're mediocre pitchers then, you win.

Still, they were key cogs in the Sox’s World Series run two years ago, and they can start ballgames.

I learned 2 things in this sentence.

1) Javier Vazquez was on the 2005 Chicago White Sox roster. Apparently, he was disguised as Dustin Hermanson.

2) Jon Garland, Jose Contreras, and Javier Vazquez can start ballgames, much like Casey Fossum, Jeff Weaver, Josh Towers, Wes Obermueller, and J.D. Durbin.

When you look at the top relievers who are available, you understand why the White Sox starters look pretty good. We’re talking the Astros’ Brad Lidge, who had suffered a psychological meltdown before injury finished the job

Injury finished the job, eh?

Astros July 13: Activated pitcher Brad Lidge from the 15-day disabled list; optioned pitcher Mark McLemore to Round Rock of the Pacific Coast League (AAA).

Jul. 17 : Manager Phil Garner said he will return Lidge to the closer's role, reports the Houston Chronicle.

Currently, he's melting down to the tune of a 2.21 ERA and a 1.20 WHIP after a poor start to the season.

and the Rangers’ Eric Gagne, no longer the dominant closer he used to be.

You'll have to excuse our friend here. He doesn't follow baseball. Now you'll have to excuse this angry outburst.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!??!?!?! ERIC GAGNE has a 1.23 ERA and 0.92 WHIP. HE IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE CLOSER HE USED TO BE!

373 ERA+!!!! HE'S NEVER PITCHED BETTER IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE THAN HE IS PITCHING RIGHT NOW. EVER. EVEN BETTER THAN THAT FREAKISH 2003 WHERE HE DIDN'T BLOW A SINGLE SAVE UNTIL HANK BLALOCK FUCKED HIM UP IN THE ALL-STAR GAME.

Whew. Okay. Enough anger. We're normal now.

So basically, what I have calmly been explaining is that if 2 very very very good relievers are on the trading block, it isn't evidence that this trade season will be dull.

But these are also the kinds of pitchers who will probably move. Cleveland and Detroit, for example, are both desperate for bullpen help, and they can always hope that a change of scenery will revive a Lidge or a Gagne, and if it doesn’t, those pitchers are still better than what’s on hand.

Now reverting to anger mode.

HOPEFULLY JACOBS FIELD COULD REVIVE THAT FUCKING CORPSE OF A 373 ERA+. MAYBE FUCKING COMERICA PARK IS THE ANSWER TO BRAD LIDGE'S AWFUL AWFUL 196 ERA+. CHANGE THE SCENERY! DO SOMETHING BEFORE NEITHER OF THESE GUYS ARE WORTH ANYTHING AGAIN!!!!!

And....exhale.

It’s the same with starters. Every team dreams of landing the big stud who will make the difference between finishing out of the money and going to the big show. But a Randy Johnson doesn’t become available every year, and this year isn’t one of them.

Randy Johnson: 119 ERA+
Jon Garland: 118 ERA+
Javier Vazquez: 120 ERA+

There are exactly 2 Randy Johnsons available on one team. Unless you mean who Randy Johnson USED to be. In that case, I guess this trade season will be boring, because there is a serious lack of "one of the very best pitchers of the past 20 years" on the trading block.

Also, there’s a huge risk involved. In 1987, the Tigers won a title in part thanks to the efforts of Doyle Alexander, acquired in a deadline deal with the Braves. But Detroit gave up John Smoltz to get him.

Now, this is just getting funny. Like, hilarious how little Celizic knows before he starts typing.

Despite the fact that the 1987 World Series was played by the Cardinals and the Twins, somehow the Tigers managed to come out on top.

Alexander was soon finished, as were the Tigers, and we all know what Smoltz has meant to Atlanta.

Oh. Maybe I'm wrong. He said the Tigers were finished, and they did lose in the ALCS. Maybe he meant "title" as in, the AL East title, which they did, in fact, win. So maybe Celizic did his homework, and he just worded this poorly.....

Still, the Tigers have their ring.

NOPE!

The Tigers have not won the World Series since 1984, Mikey.

Like, I can't even believe that you published this article without even knowing if the Tigers PLAYED in the World Series in 1987. This is absolutely fucking pathetic journalism.