Suprisingly, This Has Nothing to Do with Lou or Ozzie

But as usual, it's not too much about baseball. It's more like Jay's impression of Dr. Phil on opposite day.

For one game, all was right with Zambrano and the Cubs -- but are he and Barrett really 'brothers' again? Don't count on it

I've decided that for my next philosophy paper, I'm going to write about the personal problems between two philosophers.

Just because Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett play baseball doesn't make this a baseball topic. This sounds like a freaking promo for a new episode of a drama series.

MILWAUKEE -- In the gooey glee club that is Cubdom, where memories always are short term, now we're supposed to believe all is well with the mysterious right arm and cluttered psyche of Carlos Zambrano. Yep, quicker than you can hum ''Kumbaya,'' he and Michael Barrett are ''brothers'' again, only days after Big Z beat up his teammate with such force that they're turning the incident into a video game: ''Grand Theft Auto: Cubs Clubhouse.''

Grand Theft Auto: Cubs Clubhouse is the first Grand Theft Auto game that Rockstar North has produced that features no vehicles.

Joke Rating: The incredibly harsh and fictional F-minus.

And gosh darn, Ron Santo, you know Zambrano has reclaimed his old pitching form with a dominant performance Wednesday against the division-leading Brewers, forgetting that his ERA was 5.52 entering the game. Just like that, the most erratic and bubble-headed personality in Chicago baseball -- non-managerial division, of course -- has found peace, love and his proper arm slot.

Well I know someone that's probably pissed off you said that. After all, this guy is usually known for being pretty erratic, erratic enough to be a guest bodyguard on Jerry Springer (can someone please explain how that got set up?).

''I don't know if he told you,'' Zambrano said of Barrett, ''but the next day, he apologized to me and I apologized to him. We were both crying. When you have a little brother, you fight with him and the next day you get along with him. He called me 'brother' and I called him 'brother,' and we moved on.''

As for his maddening inconsistency, Zambrano said it has nothing to do with rumored shoulder pain and stress over his contractual limbo. He claims his arm hasn't been slotted correctly during his delivery, which is exactly what pitching Web sites have analyzed lately. The Cubs pay lots of money to their general manager, manager and pitching coach. They couldn't have come up with this specific solution sooner, if it indeed is the issue? ''It's not like you guys say, that I'm hurt and injured. No, it's just my arm slot,'' Zambrano told the media. ''Any time I come with my arm slot good, I have a good game.''

Sorry, but I'm calling b.s. on both counts.

1) Why are you calling b.s. on pitching Web site analysis? Sounds like pretty convincing evidence.
2) What does general manager Jim Hendry have to do with solving Carlos Zambrano's pitching mechanics?

Just as Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't really make up, the Rampage Jackson and Chuck Wepner of Wrigleyville are staging an act only because management demands it.

I'm guessing this is another attempt to be funny. Listen Jay, I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that the set of people who care enough about baseball to read sports columns like yours and the set of people who follow Rosie O'Donnell's personal life are almost completely mutally exclusive.

Wow. I just googled "Rampage Jackson and Chuck Wepner". This article came back as the 4th result. Anyone need further evidence that Jay's weird analogies are vague?

An enraged human being doesn't beat the snot out of someone -- six stitches, one black eye, facial cuts, permanent dignity loss -- and then feel enough love for a brother 18 hours later to weep in his arms. Same goes for Barrett, who couldn't possibly have looked in the mirror and felt affection for Zambrano.

Perhaps, but this is coming from someone who hates everything. I would imagine that this has happened a decent amount in the history of brotherhood.

The only thing worse than manufactured spin control is manufactured spin control that has zero believability.

Something wrong Jay? Someone trying to convince the public of something other than what you believe? Why are you making such a big deal out of this? So what if Zambrano and Barrett didn't kiss and make up and told everyone they did. YOU ARE A SPORTS COLUMNIST. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING ABOUT SPORTS.

This is what really pisses me off about you, Jay. Your articles are 97% spin, about 3% actual facts and sports-related theories. When baseball players try to bury the hatchet about a disturbance that happened, here you are complaining that it's spin. If things really aren't patched up, what do you expect Zambrano to say? "Nope, I still fucking hate Barrett. I never want to play baseball with him again". Is this what happens in Jay's world?

Deep down, late at night, I'm still figuring Barrett sticks pins in his Zambrano voodoo doll while Wham Bam Thank You Zam pounds his chest and shouts, ''I wiped the floor with his crewcutted [bleep]!''

Failed humor attempt #3.

In all honesty, the rest of it isn't really too miserable. He says dumb things like "Zambrano is teasing everyone with a terrific outing" (as all Chicago players that ever perform well are doing) and has a 5-paragraph subsection entitled "Piniella should stick with Hill" while only mentioning Koyle Hill's name once. Oh yeah, and this.

He pitched like an ace this time, but what about next time? And if he can't handle the pressure of being an ace, the next Cubs owners shouldn't open their wallets for him.

Where were you the past 3 years? Zambrano was nothing short of spectacular from 2004-2006 and was unquestionably the ace of the staff each year. There is absolutely no way that 2 rough months after those performances sigifies that Zambrano can't handle the pressure of being an ace.