Hungry hungry hypocrite

Carol Slezak is an excellent writer and one fine piece of ass.

Wait wait wait. I’d like to apologize for that remark, because none of that statement is true. While I have no reason to believe that Carol isn’t a magnanimous person, I doubt she’s ever given a man an erection.

Then again, some men are attracted to girls who look like Stuart Little after a six-month bout of bulimia. And these guys aren’t hard to find—I’m pretty sure the law requires them to register whenever they move into a new neighborhood.

Calling Carol “one fine piece of ass” was degrading to women. But apologizing for it is upgrading to women. So now I guess women are back to being graded, which is the way it should be (on a 20-80 scale).

What’s past is past, and we should look to the present. And what is the present but one big package for me to give all women?

Judging by her recent column pushing for the Bulls to acquire Kobe, Carol feels exactly the same way.

When the best perimeter player in the game wants to join your team, don't you have to figure out a way to get the deal done?

Not that many players are “the best perimeter player in the game.” In fact, there are usually less than two. And there are even fewer players who take it to the hole like Kobe.

Bryant is hardly perfect. He is a modern superstar, complete with a huge ego and a stubborn streak. More disturbingly, he once faced criminal sexual assault charges. Though he has stayed out of trouble since his 2003 arrest, it's a factor the Bulls would have to consider.

Ok, ok, so he once stood trial for rape. But is that even much of a flaw? Kobe easily could have sat or even lain down trial for rape, but he chose to stand. Like a true man. And the truth set him free—the truth that his accuser was a gold-digging hoochie whose story folded after only a few weeks of embarrassing personal attacks and her identity being leaked to the media. The Bulls will have to consider that he could have knee surgery and be accused of rape by another member of The Lodge and Spa at Cordillera hotel in Eagle, Colorado. But, hey:

It's risky to make a big, bold deal. But you know what they say. No risk, no championship.

The Bulls made it to the second round of the playoffs for the first time in almost a decade. Who knows how long it’ll be until the window of opportunity slams shut? Who cares if Kobe Bryant may have raped someone? As Carol taught us in a front page story after the Bears’ draft, raping isn’t nearly as bad as rapping.

Olsen's rap makes Imus look like feminist

Rap music is filled with graphic language, and the rap song "7th Floor Crew" certainly has its share. I lost count of the number of times I heard the word "ho," or a certain b-word or a certain f-word. And the lewd sexual acts that are described? Well, let's just say they're not appropriate for this newspaper.
But apparently the Bears don't have much of a problem with them. The fact that the team's top draft pick, Greg Olsen, raps in the song doesn't bother the Bears a bit.
After listening to all 8 minutes and 56 seconds of this unbelievably disgusting rap, I was shaking in anger and shock. How is it possible for these young men to have such little respect -- or is it hatred? -- for women? If Don Imus got fired for the comments he made about the Rutgers women's basketball team, these guys deserve jail time by comparison.

The Bears might’ve been only a passing game away from becoming Super Bowl Champions. But instead of worrying about dropping passes from Rex Grossman, Olsen should be terrified of dropping the soap in Cook County lockup.

The Bears weren't the only NFL organization to overlook Olsen's rapping. He said his participation in the song was not an issue during any of his pre-draft interviews. That can mean only one of two things: Either the entire league has a short memory, or the entire league believes that misogyny is no big deal. Given everything I know about the NFL, I'm going with the latter. These guys just don't get it.

There are a number of things that these guys just don’t get, things which could get gotten really good from taking lessons away from Carol’s columns on Greg and Kobe.

1) Never brag about busting a nut in a chick’s eye.
Keep the nut in the butt. Where it belongs.

2).Never say what you would do. Only say what you didn’t do.
Even if the law has enough evidence against you to go to a criminal trial, even if you settle a civil case with the “victim” out of court, even if you tearfully admit to having adulterous sex with the “victim” that you believed was consensual, and even if you have to buy your wife a pink diamond bigger (but not more delicious) than most Ring Pops in order to convince her to stay married to you so you can keep up appearances, you’ll still have people believe you didn’t rape her because you have plausible deniability—when you were off rapping with Tyra Banks, you never once sexually assaulted her in rhyme.

3).If you mean to keep something in private, don’t record it.
Raps and sex tapes can be disseminated without the expressed written consent of the NBA, NFL, or Major League Baseball. It’s a loophole in the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

And, really, when it comes down to it:

If Kobe Bryant wants to come to Chicago, how can the Bulls say no? ….Not only is Bryant a virtual scoring machine, he comes equipped with a killer instinct.


Even if the Bulls say no, he’ll force his way into Chicago. Maybe the best thing to do is just lay back and enjoy Kobe’s coming.