after a brief hiatus, jonah keri returns to being stupid

way back in the day keri wrote about how there was no way to tell whether or not tim wakefield would continue what had been an absolutely torrid start. it was such a giant piece of suck of an article, i started reading his columns routinely in hopes of finding more fantastic material. but i was disappointed! for the next several weeks, jonah wrote a lot of stuff that made at least a medium amount of sense. fortunately though, it seems those days are behind us. let's take a look at some of the "analysis" he has to offer in this week's edition of "keri the ten".

Flipping through MLB Extra Innings on Sunday, I stopped on the Rangers-Reds game, bottom of the fifth, Rangers up 6-3. Three factors made me stop to watch the Reds bat in the bottom of the fifth.

First, I wanted to see if the adjustments Kevin Millwood had made between starts would help him. Millwood came into the game with a 7.82 ERA, having allowed nearly two baserunners per inning. For all the trade talk surrounding other players -- even other Rangers players -- as we near dealing season, Millwood is a healthy pitcher,

who was on the DL less than a month ago.

signed to an affordable contract by today's standards (he's in the second year of a five-year, $60 million deal)

gil meche got a contract worth $11 million a year last offseason and it was mocked as being a hilariously bad deal for weeks on end. (to be fair, meche has been decent, but not outstanding.) carlos zambrano is expected to command about $15 million a year this coming offseason. johan santana makes $13 million a year. chris carpenter makes $8.5 million a year. roy halladay makes about $13 million a year. $12 million per for a guy with a 7.62 ERA, who hasn't been good in 18 months, is the exact opposite of affordable.

who could be a bargain along the lines of Bobby Abreu last year going to the Yankees.

the key difference being that abreu was actually having a good season.

Sure enough, Millwood looked sharper than he's been for most of the season, scattering six hits over six innings while striking out 10. His location still isn't close to where it was in 2005, when he won the AL ERA title (the two homers he gave up were both on pitches that missed the catcher's target by a wide margin).

one game- pretty close to the very definition of small sample size.

But for all the Scott Boras intrigue surrounding Mark Teixeira, the injury question marks dogging Eric Gagne and the other holes in others' résumés, Millwood could be an intriguing trade target for a team willing to take a leap of faith that the big righty will turn it around outside the pitchers' hell that is Arlington.

great idea. while you're at it, trade for rick ankiel and put him back on the mound. who knows, he just might turn things around. i heard dewon brazleton is available for the right price as well.

moving on through the column-

2. If Barry Bonds isn't an All-Star, who is?

lots of players. i'll elaborate in a second.

Alfonso Soriano passed Bonds in voting for the third starting outfield spot on the NL All-Star team. When asked if he'd add Bonds to the roster if the fans don't vote him in, NL Manager Tony LaRussa said he wasn't sure.

probably because he's already making plans to add the entire cardinals roster to his all-star bench. either that, or he's not comfortable touting the all-star worthiness of one of the least popular men in all of pro sports right now. right or wrong, the all star game is to a large extent a popularity contest.

Uh, what?! Let's see … Bonds is one of the greatest players in the history of the game.

also one of the most hated.

He's eight homers away from breaking the all-time home run record.

again.

This may be his last season.

irrelevant, unless you're well-liked by the fans. why? because if this is not the case and people could give a shit less about you or don't like you, then they won't be sad to see you leave the game. and if they want you out, then it doesn't matter when your last season is; one more game is one game too many.

The game is being played in his home park.

mildy, and i do mean mildly, relevant. at least he wouldn't get booed, for what that's worth.

Of course you might be one of those people who thinks that a player should get in on performance, not reputation --

guilty as charged!

who can forget Cal Ripken making the All-Star team in his final season, on his last legs and on his way to hitting .239/.276/.361.

i'll make exceptions in extreme cases of popularity. the iron man is undoubtedly just such a case. again, why? because fans were going to miss him when he was gone.

But Bonds leads the league in OBP and OPS,

extremely relevant, but it's important to consider that the all star selection process is VERY influenced by "what have you done for me lately" thinking. considering it's the fans doing the voting, and the fans have very powerful short term memory, this ends up being the way of things much of the time. bonds has hit 3 HR in his last 32 games, a stretch spanning 126 plate appearances. his OPS has dropped 260 points in that time while he slugged .389. he's batted .244 in those games. do you have any idea how many national league OFs have hit better than that during the same stretch? it's more than you can fit on one all-star team, i promise you that. now, the fact that even after this disaster bonds still leads the league in OPS speaks volumes about what an incredible first 5 weeks of the season he had. but like it or not, since may 9 (when bonds' current slump started) soriano has hit 9 home runs and slugged .538. guess who the casual fan is probably more interested in right now?

and remains a threat to hit one out every time up.

he also remains totally detested everywhere outside of the bay area, which, right or wrong, is very important in the selection process for most fans.

He's not the guy he was in 2001, but he's still better than 98 percent of the rest of the NL, and he's one of the few players in the league with legitimate star power.

phrase one: true. phrase two: very debatable. phrase three: one of the stupidest things i've read in a long time. what? are you fucking kidding me? one of the "few" players with "legitimate" star power? how do i even begin to address how stupid that sounds? i've got one word for you to get the ball rolling: jeteckstein. you take it from here. if you can't name 50 more players who probably have the very subjective quality of "star power" in under 3 minutes, you are either not a baseball fan or as dumb as jonah keri. the first of those qualities is no big deal. the second bodes very poorly for you as your life progresses.

Even if you're a Bonds hater -- wouldn't you rather boo him heartily than listen to sporadic, polite applause for Eric Byrnes?

first of all eric byrnes is annoying so i would boo him too. second of all, to answer your question- not unless i were in the stadium watching the game live (which i will not be). therefore, screw having him in the all-star game. let him hit number 756 and then get the hell out of baseball.

thanks jonah! keep up the terrible work. see you next monday, i hope.