A blog dedicated to venting frustration about dumb members of the sports media via angry commentary. No, we're not the first guys to do this kind of thing. Still, Jay Mariotti and several other prominent members of the national sports media need to lose their jobs. We want to facilitate that process any way we can. Feel free to direct any pressing questions or comments to any or all of us at firejaymariotti@gmail.com.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
LOLZZZ
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Knock me over with a feather
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I had my heart set on some breathtakingly awful "Tebow is better than Manning" articles showing up this week
In his first 16 starts, Tebow led his team to a playoff victory. None of these other greats did that.
Better or worse argument than the "number of wins" argument he led off with? On one hand, Tebow actually played pretty well during the Steelers game, something that can't be said about most of his regular season starts. On the other, talking about a near-rookie QB's performance over the course of sixteen games is marginally less of a waste of breath/keystrokes than talking about his performance over the course of one game.
In fact, it took Peyton Manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, five full NFL seasons to lead his team to a playoff victory.
And Manning and Trent Dilfer have the same number of Super Bowl rings, and Dan Marino doesn't have any. How blown is your mind right now? Only logical conclusion to draw from all of this stat: THE MOON LANDING WAS STAGED.
In his first playoff game, Tebow threw for 316 yards in a winning effort — against the best defense in the league.
I'm not here to spend this entire post concocting crazy reasons why Tebow deserves no credit for Denver's success last year, but if that game takes place at sea level and Ryan Clark is able to play, you can bet the Steelers would have won. I'm just saying.
It is so difficult for an NFL quarterback to throw for 316 yards or more in a playoff victory that Ben Roethlisberger has never done it. Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers have each done it once. Tom Brady, John Elway and Joe Montana each did it twice. Eli Manning did not throw for that many yards in a playoff game until this season.
Lots of passing yards: always strongly correlated with playoff success. Because you know how it goes in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE; you get a lead, and then you throw on every down to protect it. That's why bad-defense-on-his-own-team-having Drew Brees has thrown for at least 316 yards in 5 of his 9 playoff appearances and lost 4 of those 5 games. Conclusion drawn from this stat: Kennedy was shot from the grassy knoll and from the book depository simultaneously.
And those other quarterbacks had some of the best receivers in the NFL.
Yeah! ANYONE could have done what they did, throwing to receivers like Javon Walker and Bubba Franks (Favre, 2004 wild card round) or Vance Johnson and Mike Young (Elway, 1990 AFC title game).
Tebow is also near the top in another important measure of an NFL passer, which is the number of touchdown passes per pass attempt.
Let me stop you right there. Before you run through the cherry-picked stats that paint Tebow in the best possible light, let me make a list of stats which show him to be a pretty godfuckingawful QB: completion percentage, yards per attempt, yards per game, sack percentage, QB rating. But don't worry, those aren't important measures of an NFL passer like TDs per attempt. If your team has a competent defense and a very good running game (to be fair, Tebow is a part of that running game, but he also takes away from it by taking all those fucking sacks), allowing your QB to throw infrequently but also go for home runs when he does, you go 2 for 8 with 1 TD, that's just great NFL passering. Conclusion drawn from that stat: the planet will definitely explode on 12/21/12.
OK, back to what you were saying.
In his first 16 games, Tebow averaged an impressive one touchdown pass for every 23 pass attempts (1-23). The same as Peyton Manning. Better than Steve Young (1-46), John Elway (1-36), Drew Brees (1-34) and Tom Brady (1-36). And just slightly behind Aaron Rodgers (1-21), Matthew Stafford (1-21), and Eli Manning (1-21).
Even more important is the fact that Tebow threw very few interceptions per pass attempt.
It's hard to shit on this stat too much. Tebow has, so far, been great at not throwing picks. Unfortunately a) this is because he so often underthrows or overthrows a receiver by 15 yards and more importantly b) he's been really, really bad at not fumbling. Jay Cutler takes a lot of shit for fumbling a lot, and he's never put more than 11 of them on the ground in a season. David Carr was a LEGENDARY fumbler who topped out at 21 as a rookie. Last season, in just 11 starts, Tebow had 14 fumbles. The more you know. Conclusion drawn from this stat: all the games on The Price is Right have exactly the same odds.
Just one pick for every 43 pass attempts (1-43). That’s twice as good as Peyton Manning (1-21). Much better than Elway (1-19), Stafford (1-26) and Eli Manning (1-29). Better than Brees (1-34), Brady (1-36), Rodgers (1-39) and Bradford (1-40). This fact is particularly important, because ESPN contends that the chance of a team winning an NFL game goes down 20 percent with each interception a quarterback throws.
And goes up 20% every time a QB fumbles!
Through 16 starts, Tebow has a far better touchdown pass-to-interception ratio (17 touchdowns-9 interceptions) than Peyton Manning (26-28), Brees (15-15), Stafford (28-23), Bradford (18-15), Elway (10-19), Aikman (12-25) and Young (9-16). Tebow’s rate is also better than Eli Manning’s (21-14), and the same as Aaron Rodgers’ (23-12).
Yes, this is another stat that shows Tebow in a positive light because sometimes he goes a whole half without throwing a single pass that hits anyone at all in the hands.
According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)
I like it. Time to continue my uninspired "copy and paste the best line of the article multiple times" bit, this time with italics for added pasteability.
According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)
These are facts, readers. They are not opinions.
According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)
Eat them. Digest them.
According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)
Facts. Facts facts facts. Tebow's completion percentage? Not a fact. Merely a lie from the Christian-hating media.
Tebow is off to a better start as an NFL passer than many of the great passing quarterbacks in NFL history.
FACTS.
Tebow’s critics do not speak of these facts. Instead, they harp on the style of his passes and his completion percentage (46 percent).
Hey, that's right! I do do that!
That is illogical. Results are more important than style.
Like I told you. TD/INT ratio: fact. Completion percentage: opinion, which is somehow a function of (???) style.
And completion percentage is far less important than wins,
Probably true, but much more easily attributed to, you know, the QB as opposed to the whole team.
touchdowns,
No.
interceptions
No.
and playoff success.
Clever way of saying "wins" twice.
That is proved by the fact that Tebow has far more wins, and a much better touchdown and interception ratio, than many quarterbacks who have a higher completion percentage.
Conclusion drawn from this fact: completing passes is bad, and also, aliens built the pyramids.
Peyton Manning is a certain Hall of Fame quarterback and a man of great character and integrity.
Factual character.
But the facts also show, at this point, Manning is not a more effective quarterback than Tebow. Last season, Tebow started 13 games. When you compare those 13 starts to Manning’s last 13 starts, the results are almost the same.
Over their last 13 starts, Tebow and Manning have the same winning record — 8-5. Each threw one touchdown pass for every 23 pass attempts. Tebow threw only one interception for every 51 passes. Unfortunately, Manning threw one interception for every 33 pass attempts.
Ignore their completion percentage, yards per game, and other such stylistic pieces of information.
Tebow won one playoff game and lost the next. Manning lost his only playoff game, 17-16, to the Jets.
And while throwing to some of the greatest receivers in the league, like Pierre Garcon and Blair White! (Perennial All-Pro Austin Collie was hurt for that game.)
Tebow also brings the critical advantage of mobility to the field,
and fumbling,
which Manning does not. Over their last 13 starts, Tebow ran for 681 yards and 6 touchdowns. Manning ran for 23 yards and 0 touchdowns. Manning’s lack of mobility may explain some of the difficulty he has encountered in the playoffs during his storied career.
Mobile QBs like Eli Manning, Tom Brady, and Joe Montana have always had more success in the playoffs than their immobile counterparts.
While it is undisputed that Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, he has only won one first-round playoff game since 2006.
Not sure what's going on here. If the argument is that he has only won one wild card round game since 2006, it's totally irrelevant. If the argument is that he's only won one playoff game at all since 2006, it's wrong and mostly irrelevant. His factual stats in four playoff losses since winning the Super Bowl at the end of the 2006 season: 317 yards per game, 6 TDs, 3 INTs. Add in the stats from his two playoff wins leading up to the 2010 Super Bowl, and his numbers get even more Tebowesque.
He has lost in the first round of the playoffs seven out of the 11 times his team has made it that far. He is 1-3 against New England in the playoffs,
1-2,
averaging 9 points a game in those losses.
Both those losses happened when Tebow was still in high school. I'm sure that was the first thing the Broncos brass discussed when they met to decide whether or not to go after him: if we get time warped back to 2004, will we be able to beat the Patriots in the playoffs with him?
None of these facts are intended as a criticism of Manning. They are simply proof of the undeniable fact that injuries and age take their toll on even the greatest quarterbacks.
While playing with virtually no supporting offensive cast in 2010, Manning put up the same numbers Tebow did last season in these specially picked Tebow-friendly stats. This shows that injuries and age take their toll on even the greatest quarterbacks, and that a terribly inconsistent throwing motion and a total inability to make more than two reads (maybe two reads) on any given play take their toll on others.
And no quarterback who has won a Super Bowl with one team has ever won a Super Bowl with his next team.
List of QBs with Manning's credentials to switch teams in the last 25 years: Joe Montana. And true, at age 37, he was only able to drag an otherwise mediocre Chiefs team as far as the AFC title game. Ho hum.
So the assumption that the Broncos would automatically be a better team right now under Manning is not supported by the facts.
Other than the facts related to who is better at being a quarterback between Tebow and Manning.
The facts show that Tebow is, by comparison, a great young quarterback with most of his career in front of him.
The facts do indeed show that Tebow has most of his career in front of him... CARRYING A CLIPBOARD! HIGH FIVE ME SOMEONE
No but really, I don't hate Tebow. I wouldn't mind if he caught on in Jacksonville or Miami. I just have enough of a brain to know it's almost definitely not going to happen.
Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback with most of his career behind him. And over the course of their last 13 games, Tebow and Manning performed at approximately the same level.
As long as you ignore most reasonable methods of evaluating QB play and choose obscure ones that heavily favor Tebow, yes.
It would be highly illogical for the Broncos to replace Tim Tebow with Peyton Manning. Such a decision, no matter how well-intentioned, would likely undermine the franchise for years to come.
Now I just have to sit back and wait 10 months for the Gazette to print an apology and correction. Oh, and I managed to go this whole post without dipping my toe in the politics/religion pool, but Caplis is one of those loudmouthed Jesus freak windbags that are all too commonly found in Colorado. If Tebow has all of Tebow's attributes and 2011 stats but happens to be someone who doesn't mention God every five seconds when there's a microphone in his face, yeah, I'd be writing poorly about something else right now because this article wouldn't exist.Thursday, March 15, 2012
Jon Heyman: still way better at shilling for Scott Boras than writing
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Peyton Manning seems somewhat at peace with his departure from Indianapolis
And really, has anyone ever been upset about leaving that city? But since he seems OK with it (publicly, at least), it's time for America's sportswriters to be outraged on his behalf. Gene Wojciechowski, man holding the prestigious title of ESPN's "Senior National Columnist," you can begin spewing moronic invective whenever you're ready.
What if the Indianapolis Colts didn't have the first pick of the 2012 NFL draft, but the third?
Yeah, what if? Would that make them feel better about paying Manning a $30 million roster bonus so he could lead their clearly-not-going-to-contend-for-a-Super-Bowl team next year? I mean, that's what pro sports is all about: paying an ungodly sum of money to one 35 year old guy when even the stupidest superfan can tell it's time for the team to rebuild. (Note: sarcasm does not apply to the 2014-2016 Phillies and Ryan Howard)
What if Peyton Manning was recovering from knee surgery, not multiple neck procedures?
Yeah, that'd make them more comfortable with paying him all that cash for sure! Quarterbacks don't use their knees. Silly goose.
What if Colts owner Jim Irsay didn't talk out of both sides of his horseshoe?
"Both sides of his horseshoe?" (Insert picture of Hindenburg crash)
Think about it: Irsay would rather roll the bones on Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III than on Manning. Luck and RG3 have a combined zero NFL snaps. Manning has a Super Bowl ring and four league MVP awards and has thrown for more yards in NFL history than everyone except Brett Favre and Dan Marino.
Holy shit. Your understanding of how teams operate is like an infant's understanding of pretty much anything. You get an F-. You get a zero. You get whatever the worst imaginary grade I can give you is. If you're honestly writing this because you're outraged that the Colts would rather draft a 22 year old QB and pay him $25-$30 million over the course of the next 4 or 5 years (Scam Newton got $22 million over 4) than pay Manning whatever the hell they would have owed him to lead them to a couple wild card berths during that span, you're the stupidest sportswriter of all time. If instead you're writing this with full knowledge that cutting Manning was the right managerial move, but still think Manning needs someone to stand up for his honor, you're the biggest asshole sportswriter of all time. Or you could be both, who knows.
And never mind what caused this divorce
OK, sounds like you're going with "stupidest" rather than "biggest asshole." Probably a good decision, although keep in mind that you can change it if you see fit.
or where he'll end up next. How about we take a few moments and remember exactly what a legend looks like?
Mmmm. More platitudes, please.
Manning made Indianapolis forget that it was a football stepmother.
Manning transformed a horrible franchise into a perennial contender.
Fuck paying players for what you expect them to do over the course of the contract in the future- the real key to success is to pay players for what they've done in the past. (Insert picture of Ed Wade)
Manning killed it on "Saturday Night Live" ("I just thought about going out there for the second half, and a little bit of pee came out.")
Fuck paying Manning- is Jon Hamm available?
Manning reported to the Giants Stadium interview room wearing a suit and tie -- and no shoes or socks -- after a night-game win against his brother Eli. He did it (and I was there) because he knew the East Coast sports writers were on a crushing deadline.
Now shifting over from "stupidest" to "biggest asshole." HE WAS NICE TO ME AND THEREFORE HE DESERVES TO ALWAYS BE HAPPY AND NEVER BE INCONVENIENCED! Classic sportswriter assholery.
Manning led the Colts to a pair of Super Bowls and won one.
Mostly irrelevant.
Manning engineered a comeback for the ages: down 21 points at Tampa Bay with four minutes left, and won the game in OT!
Completely irrelevant.
Manning never made TMZ's greatest hits.
Almost completely irrelevant.
Manning prepared so thoroughly that he could have double-dipped as a coach.
I think the Colts already have one of those. They fired Jim Caldwell, yes? OK, then yeah, they presumably do.
Manning had 63 games with at least 300 passing yards.
How many of those does Andrew Luck have? THOUGHT SO.
Manning was proud of playing in Indianapolis.
I know, weird, right? I'm starting to doze off.
But this is about the business and commerce of the NFL, not loyalty.
And now I'm awake again. The fuck?
Plus, the necks of Luck and Griffin haven't felt a surgeon's scalpel. And the price tag for a rookie quarterback, even the No. 1 overall pick, is Happy Meal-cheap compared to what it would have cost Irsay to sign Manning. In 2012 alone, we're talking a $28 million bonus and $7.4 million in salary.
I know Irsay's decision makes financial sense, but that doesn't mean it makes football sense.
There's the big "Larry B copies and pastes it multiple times" line from this article. Drink it up.
I know Irsay's decision makes financial sense, but that doesn't mean it makes football sense.
I know Irsay's decision makes financial sense, but that doesn't mean it makes football sense.
I know Irsay's decision makes financial sense, but that doesn't mean it makes football sense.
That's great stuff. It's fantastic that you can be a Senior National Sportswriter for a major outlet and not understand that in a Venn diagram, "financial sense" is a small circle inside the larger "football sense" circle (a nipple on a boob, if you will).
If Manning is healthy -- and his arm strength certainly seems to be trending that way -- then Irsay just deprived the Colts of their best chance to win games.
Your editor took "in 2012 and maybe 2013" off the end of that sentence. Sorry about that.
Luck, the presumptive No. 1 choice, was a remarkable college quarterback. But show me the documentation that guarantees he'll be a remarkable NFL quarterback.
Prove to me that the guy scouts are calling the most polished college QB since Manning will be amazing in the NFL. You can't. ARGUMENT: OVER.
I'll go read -- and finish -- James Joyce's "Ulysses" as you try to find that paperwork.
KABOOM.
And had he stayed in Indianapolis, there's no way the Colts would go 2-14 again. Irsay could have kept Manning, then traded the overall No. 1 pick for at least two first-round picks as well as a third-rounder and a fifth-rounder. Think that would've helped the short- and long-term rebuilding process?
And in 2014 when, those draft choices started to blossom and Manning was ready to retire, THAT'S when keeping him around would REALLY pay off.
Irsay (and others) will insist that you get only so many opportunities to draft a quarterback the caliber of Luck. But you also get only so many opportunities to draft and keep a quarterback with Manning's first-ballot Hall of Fame credentials.
You only get so many chances to pay him $35 million a year while he's in the twilight of his career and the team is falling apart around him.
Ask yourself this question: Would the Colts win more games during the next one to three years with a healthy Luck or a healthy Manning?
That rhetorical question does not accomplish what you intend it to accomplish.
I'll give Irsay credit for making a difficult decision. But for all his talk during the past four months, when he sliced apart the Peyton-returns scenarios as though they were garlic cloves, it is obvious he didn't want to keep No. 18. If he did, Manning would still be a Colt.
Astute observation. What's the next lid you'll blow off? I DON'T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE REDSKINS MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN DRAFTING ROBERT GRIFFIN.
Maybe everyone lives happily ever after. Luck becomes Manning Lite. Manning finds success and contentment in another uniform. Irsay finds vindication.
But I doubt it.
Actually, that all seems about as likely as any other outcome.
Experience counts. Manning -- even a 90-percent-healthy version of him -- counts.
Oooh, thanks for listening when I asked for more platitudes. Manning counts, people. He counts.
Remember the story Manning told Sports Illustrated's Peter King years ago about the 1998 draft? Colts management was split over which quarterback to take with the No. 1 overall pick: Manning or Washington State's Ryan Leaf.
Manning requested a meeting with then-general manager Bill Polian and then-coach Jim Mora. He told them,
"I promise you I won't beat up any reporters or start dealing painkillers."
"I'd really like to come here if you want me. But if you don't, I promise you I'll come back and kick your ass for the next 15 years."
Now Irsay and the Colts don't want him anymore. So Manning will adapt. He always does.
He'll kick their butt for the next three years.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I'm tired but feel obligated to post something
Hmmm. How to resolve that tension... I know! Another podcast with Cousin Sal! Writing is hard, but talking is really easy. When you've got a voice made for photography and a personality made for solo deep space exploration, there's nothing people want more than to hear you yap at them about nothing for 45 straight minutes. BONUS: some guy who is just like me but somehow less engaging will join me for the podcast and also yap! You're welcome.
I was in Tampa at the start of camp when Rodriguez was talking about how he felt he could be the most valuable to the Yankees as the No. 4 hitter, behind Robinson Cano.
That, of course, was a reference to Game 4 of the 2006 Division Series against Detroit,
More than five years AND A NEW MANAGER LATER, Rodriguez is still embarrassed. Lordy, I hate it when the media panders to dipshit mouthbreathing fans by piling on A-Rod, but man, that is some pretty pathetic bullshit right there.
Soriano never complained about Quade’s lineups last season.
He's NOT a baseball card; therefore, he's able to swing a bat and run the bases.
He is clearly one of the Cubs’ most dangerous hitters. And by hitting him first, not seventh, you can get him four plate appearances and pull him for a defensive replacement one or even two innings earlier than normal. You get him to the plate four times and lessen your exposure in the field. That’s smart.